Heart'n'Soul

Upon receipt of news which ruffles more than a feather or two, one feels the blood rush to the cheek and eyes. No you do not know how to handle it. You don't want to know either. You want to slip away quietly. Get out, hide your feelings and unleash the plethora of emotions on someone who will not judge. So you slip away. You do not want to be seen by anyone. No one must know what your mind is going through and the mind is not helping at all in making a secret out of it. Flushed, drained, shaky - you seek solitude. Avoiding darting glances, you stealthily find someplace you can lock yourself up in. You feel the emotions flow down. You want to talk. You want to just talk to someone who will not just get it, who will tell you that it will be okay and means it too. There's noone though. So you sink. To the floor. Telling yourself that it is okay and that it will be better. You wipe your tears. Dilute the emotions with a fake smile. You check in the mirror. Once. Twice. Wishing away the redness. Must wait somemore. The muscles they contort again, as the eyes stare deep into the reflection of the eyes. Not wishing for anything. Just wishing for nothing. Give nothing at all. No grief. No happiness. You pick it up, the sinking smile, the sinking heart, the pang of loneliness. Gulping down a glass of water, you shroud everything you feel inside, brace yourself to face the others, only to find a lonely spot soon, feel the muscles breaking away from the smile - sinking. With noone to witness it.

You survive. Not happily and satisfactorily. But you do

(Thanks Shaifali - for your contibution not just in form of words but also in form my best friend, You always know exactly how it feels)

Labels: hurt, Life, moving on, think

A truly long day, crammed with the pessimism born out of the games people play, had perched itself contentedly on my mind and there was suddenly nothing I looked forward to in tomorrow. It was a blank canvas - the one in front of me – and the one in my mind and my heart.

I was on my way back, and I saw you once again - just like I did everyday, in all your diverse avatars- incredibly stunning but never enticing enough to hold me and my thoughts. You stared back with the same alluring anticipation. But today there was something more to you. Something different, something just so... just something... and I decided to give you a chance.

I asked the cab driver to stop and got down. You watched me with your mystery laden face as I smiled and walked slowly towards you. I settled my bag on the bench, removed my shoes and climbed on the platform next to you. As I stood up and took a closer look at you, I realized what I had been missing, feeling glad to have let go of the inhibitions of being with you all alone.

You stirred a little as I gazed at you intently. With uncountable secrets hidden within, you finally seemed to smile at me. The life in that smile made me aware of the surreal backdrop of where I stood - the windswept hours of darkness, the glorious sky dazzling with the milky white grandeur of the moon and the stars swathed in the misty veil of its radiance.

Mesmerized, I stood still, admiring you - unable to take my eyes off the shimmering infinity of the silver expanse on your surface. A smile spread on my face as the wind played with my hair, kissing me tenderly and whispering in my ears the sweet salty nothings that you sent my way. You stirred a little more, engendering the half-hushed waves, of motion splashed with trembling crumbs of froth. Blended with the tranquility that knew no bounds, seeping softly in every single inch of my soul, you drenched me with your serenity and overwhelmed all my senses with your fragrance.

Thanks... Thanks a lot oh dear sea - thanks for this - for bringing peace to me where there is none and for being with me when there is no one.

Labels: happy high, Life, marine drive, mumbai, New place, ocean, random, sea, soul, think, travel, work

A few days back I was having a conversation with one of my teenaged friend from the so called "AAJ KE BACCHE" brigade and got some really funny insights on what love and relationship is to the new yuppie gang. It was majorly amusing because it was almost exactly opposite to what my views on this topic are. It was more about being selfish than being selfless. And for some wiered reason, some bits of it did make sense too. Now that’s for sure a surprise for me too :)

Not that I am less of a mush pot already, but his insights made me sound like a totally filmy, old bollywood-ish, romantic nut case!!! He even pointed out some new bollywood flicks that kind of depict the new-age romance. But guess what, I still happened to nail him on this one. Because no matter what and no matter how (in reference to the movies he mentioned) - at the end of it - ALL IZZZZ WELL... it’s always a happy ending, as absurd and illogical as they maybe, they are still happy endings, there is still romance and there is till the feel good factor.

So well, then since I almost won the argument, my friend suddenly popped the question of what Love and relationships mean to me? How I would like it to be? And all these questions were accompanied by a very sarcastic "Let's see the dream world you live in". I laughed it off but thought about it at the back of my head and wondered if it’s really that blown up in my head.

I had a discussion, argument and disagreement for each point with me and with him and here is how it went:

I said: Love's like this balm, the one that erases all the heart aches you have had. Like the pain you feel right now will be erased from your heart when you find someone who really loves you. It’s when they want to give you the world and that’s exactly what they are themselves for you

He argued: oh what crap! Comes with a lot of complication. you love, he doesn’t love or he loves and u don’t love back.... and what if it anyways doesn’t work out, u both end up hurting. No correlation. Plus sometimes these very people will end up hurting you knowingly and unknowingly. And please stop being filmy - I can get you the moon and the world and all that. I don’t buy it... NEXT PLEASE

I said: when you can totally respect them, admire them for who they are and exactly like they are... even after a disagreement or an argument... and probably even in the middle of it.

He argued: Uh well, you only keep saying that people change. So what if he/she changes? Or is probably not what he/she seemed to be? Then this concept goes for a toss too. You would end up being bitter about getting what you din not sign up for. Nah, don buy it either... Next

I said: it has to be someone one can let go of their dreams for... not as a sacrifice but cuz the bigger and more important dream in ones life is to be with that person and collective happiness of both the partners. Of course it goes without saying that both people must feel the same and hence take a collective decision on what suits them best.

He argued: ummmm... this still sounds better with the ifs and buts, which makes it relative isn’t it? So then it’s not selfless so as to say! And what if only one person is constantly giving up most of the times, the bitterness of COMPROMISE will crop in sooner or later - either subtly or prominently. Ah blah!

I said: its trust - in yourself that no thing and no person can tempt you enough to give up on him. Its trust - actually blind trust - one that can make you face your worst fears cuz you know he's holding you...

He argued: Oh my queen of trust failures, did u read your own blog post, the latest one??? Or are you just duh enough to have forgotten everything??? Need I say more?

I argued: yeah well trusting wont come easy, all I mean to say is that despite all odds, love makes you trust that person like that. Else it’s just a compromise...Or at least that’s what I feel!

He said: yeah I got my answer - u r that Duh! Best of luck :p ... and continue

We ended up laughing and continued our discussion

I said: Now this is going to sound clichéd but its being there for someone, through thick and thin... always an ear to lend and a shoulder to cry on - like best friends for life

He agreed (for a change): now that’s true. But isn’t it a part of all bonds that we form - family and friends

I smiled: Yes, that’s why as corny as it sounded in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - I for a change agree with Sharukh that "Love is friendship"... infact I think friendship as a bond is probably a lot above that.

He agreed again - and this time I pointed out triumphantly that he agreed with mushy movies of my time...LOL... though this being a Sharukh movie pissed him beyond explanation

I said: It’s true; love is friendship, the one that makes you feel so secure with the other person that you know that with all the ups and downs of life, he will get you through just by being there.

He sat in silence, listening intently....

Its companionship, the feeling that you would never run out of conversations, that you will never fall short of words and even when there is silence it will be comfortable

Its that level of comfort where there is uninhibited laughter... at even the silliest things... cuz it binds you together... when you can smile together at life cuz there is someone to witness every tear and wipe it away too

It’s when you say and do things for someone, for no reason at all. When you love their imperfections too, and know that each and every quirk adds to who they are and without those little things, it will be someone else

Its when every little thing matters - the way they crinkle their nose, the way they call your name, the wiered nick names, the way they look at you, the warmth you feel when they smile at you, the way they laugh, the way they make their hair...

He laughed: WHAT?

I continued: yes, even that. The way they tease you over nothing, the small things they do to irritate you, the sweet nothings and the not so sweet arguments over nothing. It’s when you know that despite all odds, you want to keep that person for life...

You know, it’s like that dialogue from "Shall we Dance"... one where they talk about a witness to your life. It’s like having a witness to every little thing you do, someone who makes sure that your life will not go unnoticed. That you and everything you do - good, bad, ugly - is special to someone and you are someone special for them. That someone is looking out for you and you are looking out for them through every step you take in life.

Its just that feeling, that comfort that person gives you about being yourself, that makes you love yourself for who you are and as you are... the same way you love them for who they are and as they are.

After a long silence, he asked: Have you ever been in love? I mean does it really feel that ways?

I smiled

He said: ok now that was a duh question wasn’t it? I think you are just making it sound that good. Pure Bullshit.... u r getting in to my brains now, stop polluting my thots woman... M outta here.

I said: You can pick what you want to do with it but Love is what Love is!

He said: Uh watever - Cya later, alligator (winking)... And you, well best of luck... M not as old as u r, but I don think that thing exists... or does it? Ok never mind - I gotta go do some physics homework and this surely doesn’t help... and we are never talking about it again. GET IT?

I laughed: Ok, Get it! Now leave

Labels: Life, Love, romance, think

Innocence and trust have no value these days - do they?
I am questioning myself and answering at the same time
No - it surely does not!!!

But it is a little extreme when people will do things going all out of their way to make you trust them only with a plan to break it. OUCH! It hurts a lot. Especially when you have to literally pay a bomb for it, like an atom bomb worth of real money. Till today it had never been a concern for me. I have never valued money over people or over general state of being sane. I would rather spend money and not bother about it then being in a mentally disturbed or depressed state - be it myself or someone I know - money was never above people. And hold on - I am not talking about the usual shopping and chocolate indulgence women use for mood lift! I am talking about travelling with friends, catching up with an old friend even if thy are in a different city, Making loooooong calls, joining a class, going for a drive - cuz they need it or cuz i need it- things which are decently expensive to not so expensive but keep my or my friend's general happiness in day to day life intact and hence help us being sane.

This time around though, even that hasn’t help, even though I am totally bankrupt now.... I don’t know what to believe - that money is important, cuz I suddenly have none or that mental sanity is still more important, which doesn’t prevail right now since I don’t seem to comprehend till date what happened and why and of course how even with all my money gone, I am actually more distressed! Yeah I am worried about my bank balance for a change!!!!

And it’s not just that – it’s also about people. What do I do? Do I stop believing and trusting in people? To not believe anyone who I meet and question even people who I think as good friends? Cuz people who did what they did were also supposedly good friends!!! SO if I am duh and naive enough to not being able to judge people well, then how do I know that the people I trust are actually trustworthy? So do I just suddenly start disbelieving and doubting everyone, cuz people change and will obviously never tell you what they really have in mind!!!

At the same time there are people who have been there for me pretty much... Abhi, Sud, Nicks, Mads, Surs, Fali, Arjun.... and they are not acquaintances; they are not someone I happened to know... they are people I can rely on... But weren’t they also acquaintances once... its because I thot of them as potential good friends that I talked to them and then as great people that is why they became close friends. So if I stop believing, I won’t meet more people like these and will completely cut myself from any potential goodness left in the world!

I don’t know, this is all so confusing. I don’t have it in myself to look forward to meeting new people anymore. I am done with that nonsense. I think I am too old to meet new people and get stuck in some more bullshit just cuz even at this age I tend to trust people. I should not. I WILL NOT I RESOLVE!

SO yeah trust is overrated and I seemed to have discoverd it the hard way. There is no value to it. We can trust someone as much as we want and they will still screw it from all sides possible. Sometimes even if they have proven other wise... So just like each day is new, the equation that we have with other people is also renewed. Today they maybe extremely trustworthy and tomorrow the bang opposite. We will never see the other side of a person, the ugly one more often than not, till they chose us the lucky winner. And in my case I seem to be winning that a lot these days.

What to do such is the breed called Homo sapiens! And I am too black and white to deal with it, so as usual I shall deem it all black and I am outta it...

And for that thing called trust, here are my last words to you:-

Dear Trust

Well I shall hope to see you sometime, it was good to know you but extinction is quite a hazard. I know I have used you too much and have completely spent you on silliest of people and I know I run the risk of not trusting someone worthy anymore, but oh what the hell!!! Being proven wrong this time around would actually be a super delight as compared to the other way round as a practice and being let down by everyone. Goodbye trust.

Will try dealing with your half sister called expectations the same way and hopefully say the same to her soon

Till then.. Whatever!
Div

Labels: Belief, Faith, goodbye, hope, hurt, introspect, Life, people, Questions, random, think, trust

Most narrations of a real life account for a journey or an event tend to start with the words "one fine day". But I would like to begin this one with the words "one fine night"

So one fine night, under the blanket of overwhelming Srilankan stars - me, Kani and Jane hit the road and headed towards the Yala National Park - famous for its wildlife. While we were driving down, I was expecting it to be just another fun filled weekend with some dose of adventure. But boy oh boy!!!... I couldn't be more wrong. Organized superbly by Kani, it turned out to be one of the most adventurous and enthralling experiences of my life. It was my first chance to see the world the way it is meant to be - UNTAMPRED.

As soon as we hit the park, the stage and sounds changed and a whole new world awakened for us to explore.

Yala is one of the most famous and most visited wildlife parks in SriLanka. It’s the country’s second largest wildlife reserve located about 300 km from Colombo. The low-density flora provides ideal conditions for safari as it allows a clear and unobstructed view of the wildlife. But it also does make sure that you are covered in dust by the time you are done with your trip. So if you are planning to make a trip to Yala, don’t forget to get a good headgear, big shades and an even better sunscreen. And even if you don' t, trust me - the thrilling experience is worth all that and probably even a little more dust :)

Yala is supposed to be one of the best places in the world to locate leopards. But the leopard was definitely a bit elusive and it’s said that one needs to be fairly lucky to spot a leopard. If this is true, then I believe that we were more than lucky since we spotted two - a fully grown leopard and a leopard cub.
The adult leopard settled on top of a huge rock, like a king sitting on his throne - while the awestruck visitors resembled the common people in his royal court, paying their greetings to the king of Yala. Immediately after that, we got to see a leopard cub perched comfortably on the branch of a huge tree. staring down at the crowd of his international admirers clicking away to glory. He seemed like a sensational superstar obliging the paparazzi without much ado. And just like everyone else, I just couldn’t stop admiring the cub either.... just so adorable and cute... from far I guess!!! LOL

Another great spotting for us was that of a tusker. When we spotted him, he was far away, behind the trees and bush... majestic in its form and playful in his activities. But then he started moving towards us. The thrill of the tusker coming towards us and getting up close to the caravan of jeeps waiting for him is simply an extraordinary experience. He was just so calm and so serene, though he did scare me off a bit when he came close to the jeeps. But apparently all he wanted was to cross the trail and go to the other side. Surprisingly enough he was totally unperturbed by the human presence and did not even bother to look at any of us. I wonder if we as humans can ever have that kind of attitude towards the rest of the species. Like live and let live, like why trouble someone unless it’s a food chain requirement or unless someone is attacking you. Why can’t we all live in harmony like these animals do? I think these animals have a great lesson to teach us all... and not just about how to live in tandem with the nature and with each other, but also about how to be satisfied with what is enough instead of running after more all the time.
Ok, too much of philosophy... lets switch back to Yala Mode!

Inside the park, I couldn’t help but notice the diversity of its landscape. The park features not only green areas but also a sandy beach, freshwater lakes, scrubland and a river. I guess that’s the reason why there is such a diverse range of animals that not just occupy but also enjoy this reserve.
The park also has some dramatic rock monoliths spread throughout the park, one of which is called the elephant rock since it resembles one. It’s amazing how the flora, the fauna and their surroundings merge in to each other so effortlessly. A place that houses elephants has a rock that looks like one and the fallen sticks in and around the water pools resemble a snake or a crocodile. It’s hard to differentiate unless you really look carefully.

But "I" learnt to spot the crocs and I seemed to be good at it too... I am glad I learnt SOMETHING: D

In Yala, there is a substantial population of spotted deer, wild buffalo, jackal, mongoose, monkeys, langurs, painted storks, crocodiles and peacock. I have never seen so many peacocks together in my life. They were beyond fascinating; and beautiful would be an understatement.

They say that the bird life here comprises over 120 species. Well, obviously we did not see all of them but we did catch hold of a few including the most fascinating and extremely camera friendly bee eater. He seemed like he was posing for the camera jumping from one branch to another and looking directly at us with a series of expressions. The cutest thing ever!

Not just this- I was also deeply impressed by our jeep driver cum safari guide who I fondly named Nandu. He's been working there for over 30 years now and still seems to love his job. And the depth of his knowledge and his sense of fun was just simply superb - completely skilled and entertaining.

Although, we did miss out on the sloth bear. Kani is doing some kind of research project on them so I believe it was a bigger disappointment for him than me or Jane. Or maybe it was a bigger disappointment for me and Jane because we may never get to go there again while he has done it earlier and I am sure will be going to many more trips like these.

Anyway... to sum it up, I would like to mention that till date, I know of no finer adventure than being in the wild, in an open air jeep, trying to spot various animals that you get to see only in the zoo. But it’s not the same... the zoo with all its exotic species suddenly sounds like a boring museum to me. Because now, for me, the finest way to experience the exhilaration of being close to nature, the flora and the fauna, is by being on a wildlife safari and capturing these animals in their natural habitat... unrestricted and being themselves in the world of nature isolated from the impacts of man.

The big thing about this trip is how little I am and how great this is... I am privileged, I think, because if the humans continue with their destructive streak and keep messing with the environment, I am not sure if my grand children will ever be able to experience something so incredible. Loosing myself to nature and seeing so many beautiful creatures free in the Wild was a surprisingly lovely experience. From standing in the back of our jeep and marveling at the animals to sitting by the pool and gazing at the stars, the trip was surely one to remember.
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PS: have posted the pics on my facebook, so you can check out and you would understand exactly what I am talking about!

Labels: Fun, safari, sri lanka, think, travel, trip, wildlife, yala

Hellos again... still from Colombo - And I cant help but mention that its still the thunder from down under.... sorry but really cant help!!!

Anyway, it’s been 3 weeks almost here and I have made some little progress in adjusting to the day to day activities and the social life here. It obviously can’t be the same as Delhi but its better here now w.r.t the initial week.

But I still do miss Mom, Dad, Chan, Abhi, Priyanka and Shombe a lot. Especially cuz I had spent so much time with all of them just before coming here. Was pretty much with them 24 hrs or so given my health issue. And now I haven’t even seen them in 3 weeks. Doesn’t feel right AT ALL!

It feels so funnily weird... like Shombe got full marks in his test and I should be giving him chocolates. We discussed it - thanks to the mobile - but I can’t do it like rite now. I wanna give him a huge hug (which he wud run away from making a face) and tell him how happy and proud I am! And I wish you were around - I miss our "watch a kiddies movie, eat at McDs and play at amoeba" outings. I miss being a kid cuz I can do that only with you.

Then here, I have to get up real early most mornings to make myself breakfast cuz I need to take the meds. And I can’t help but think that mom used to do that for me every single day. And not just this, when I was unwell she wud make special food and feed me too. She would prepare juice, khichdi and be ready with my meds on time. I feel so useless without her. A mother's love is really precious. Sometimes I would get all irritated and over burdened by her care but now... without her, I feel so unloved and uncared for. Like no one cares enough. She calls everyday and knows stuff even before I say anything. The day I went to the doc here for general consultation on my cough, she sent me a message saying hope u r fine and don’t have fever. I was amazed... totally surprised, rather shocked to see the sms. I mean, how did SHE know???? I think there's just something special about these people we call Mother.... Miss u mom, and love u so very much, wish u cud read this.

Dad - love u equally and miss you equally... life wudnt be even half as much fun and positive if you weren’t you... I miss your pranks, leg pulling, the fights for the TV couch, and especially your optimistic attitude. I guess I get my positivity from you... actually I am sure! On most days I would find those things irritating but that’s just cuz its fun to be bullied by you like a big brother and then try snatching the remote from you or sitting in your chair when u get up and then fight about that too. Totally love you :) MUAH

From here, I can’t see and admire Priyanka's new phone - BB Curve. This comes with a wink especially for Priyanka!!! No Chinese dinners, no soups floating in front of our eyes, no shopping at GIP - NOT EVEN WINDOW SHOPPING :( - and no movies... the girl talk we still manage :) I miss her chocolate shake so much!!! And the daily dose of - "you better sleep on time" ....lolz

And Abhi... well he’s busy at the client site too - so we hardly get to talk... not like he talked much anyways, but it used to be good enough to see his face like 2-3 times a week and bug him with my leg pulling.... and him getting back at me for that not instantly but some time later.... Abhi, this is probably one of the very few times that you will catch me saying this so be happy that I am accepting publically that you are not such a bad guy - lol. You are queer but yet so lovable!

I miss Chan, Sud and Fali too... but I guess not as much as others cuz we were mostly in touch thru the phone and email, and that we still are. Only fali and me both have more work these days so when I call she’s busy and when she calls I am busy... just bad timing I guess!

Someone asked me how am I such a friendly and loving person... while typing this today, it struck me - its cuz I have so much love around me, its flowing into my life with each of these people in their unique way. Thanks and Love you all!

Labels: Colombo, friends, Life, Missing you, New place, nostalgia, think, trip, work

Sitting at Delhi airport, I can’t help but look around and notice how it has changed... rather transformed. It doesn’t look like anything it used to be... It changed for better. It’s more spacious, more comfortable, more organized, definitely cozier n warm as compared to the cold outside... BUT BUT BUT - extremely loud and noisy now... which I don’t like! "SABHI ATITHIYON SE NIVEDAN HAI...BLA BLAH BLAH... DHANYWAD" - DING DONG - “MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE...BLAH BLAH BLAH...WE WISH YOU A PLEASANT FLIGHT...THANK YOU!”

Someone spare me the trauma of the LOUD-Speakers!!! (pun intended)

The flight delay is not helping either, from 10:30 PM to 11 PM and now to 11:30 PM - which means I will be landing at 1:30 in the night. It Mumbai but still... I am hoping there wouldn’t be more delay. Call from Spicejet - Dear Customer, we would like to inform you.... blah blah blah -I wonder why she sounds so happy about the delay!!! its a DELAY for god's sake, not some prize money you are offering me :-x

I am wondering - since when did Delhi become so boring.... no good looking men around.... like hello - NOT EVEN ONE...tsk tsk...

And since when did I become so boring - I say so cuz I am sitting here logged in to my client's system trying to fine tune the payroll - that too when I m not getting even a penny out of it and nor is my company... what Irony I tell you!!!

I suddenly have located an empty laptop station... yeah there are plenty on Delhi airport now. Unfortunately the well educated people here behave like uneducated idiots and are using these so called laptop stations as their head rests - sleep stations to be precise.

I feel like having a coffee but leaving my stuff here is neither safe n nor recommended. And I certainly don’t want to drag the whole thing around. Though its just one bag n a laptop but still... I am feeling too lazy to be doing this. But its coffee... I think I will get up... ok here I go

And now I am back, my coffee with me, and one more hour to go before I board. Maybe I should have waited...

The process that I had started some half an hour back on client's system is still at 8.5% completion... Humph... I don want to land in Mumbai and work but at this rate it looks like I will have to... Darn the stupid server! Grrrrrrrrrrr! Urgh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!

AND SOMEONE PLEASE REDUCE THE VOLUME OF THESE SPEAKERS.... It’s hurting my ears now... like someone’s put his/her fingers through my eyes and turned my brain around....yuck yuck yuck!

Huh - back to coffee! Got a call, thanks god for the distraction... Time to post n stop typing!

Labels: airport, coffee, delhi, random, think, time pass, travel, work

On and off in life, we seem to go through the rough patches. And sooner or later, we all do move on and are fine. Life just leaves us no option, what to do!

Labels: Belief, broken heart, Faith, Heart break, hurt, Life, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, think

It is just SIMPLEY SUPERB to look at it every night, so huge n so beautiful. I can see the craters clearly forming the shadows on its bright white surface. Hmmmmmm.... how pretty...sigh!!!

I am working at the client site here and I have a nice small cubicle, all to myself... I would love to call it my office - only its not...LOL...

- Thats my small lil cozy cube




- And this is the cafe view, I prefer working out of here as its so calm and peaceful. Just a gr8 view while sippin a cup of coffee!

Labels: Divkiran, enjoy, Life, Missing you, New place, Questions, think, travel, trip, usa

A LOT LIKE LOVE





Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh as always.

He looked at the exit gate, not nervous at all… waiting for her, as the crowd started pouring out.

In this moment, he knew she would never surface from the crowd… he knew that his heart will always long for it but he will never be able to hold her again…

In this moment… he knew.

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More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle

Labels: broken heart, desire, Heart break, hurt, Letting go, Life, Love, memories, Missing you, moving on, nostalgia, romance, soul, think, want

…and the worthless drop of saline water starts it never ending journey once again, just like the last night, carrying a prayer that doesn’t reach anywhere, the one that is never answered, but the one that doesn’t dry up like its carrier.

Love - it is
For real - very much

Help Me Fall - By Mark Wills

I've been trying not to love you
I've been putting up a fight
I've been barely holding on
And letting go with all my might
There's a part of me that's empty
I know only love can fill
I'm afraid I'll never find it
And I'm scared to death I will

Help me fall
Help me fall
If you care for me at all
Help me fall
Help me fall

I've been holding conversations
When I haven't said a word
I've been speaking with my silence
And praying that you heard

I'm a walking contradiction
I'd hate to be my heart
It keeps trying not to love you
But it don't know where to start

Help me fall
Help me fall
If you care for me at all
Help me fall
Help me fall

I've been trying not to love you
I've been putting up a fight
I've been barely holding on
Letting go with all my might

Labels: bleed, broken heart, contradiction, desire, Heart break, hurt, Letting go, Life, Love, moving on, romance, soul, think, want

I strongly believe that the days that form our life, are just like our whole life is. It doesn’t always turn out to be the way it starts and neither does it turn out to be what we expect it to be.

Sometimes its not what you wanted but what you get is far better, while other times you want something so desperately that you do anything and everything to acquire it... and yet, all you get is nothing.

Like ever year, this year also my birthday began with a bang. I had actually forgotten that it’s my birthday cuz I was too tired and dazed (thanks to work).

Mom and dad acted like they had slept off and then suddenly they came to my room with a cake and my gifts - a pair of quilted look ballerinas, funky shades and well a special kind of mouth freshener. It was very more than special cuz though they forgot that I do not like cakes - and most of all a pineapple cake - they remembered everything I had checked out in various stores, things that I loved, but still did not buy them cuz I was majorly short on cash in December. You see, I had to save whatever I had for tax declarations - DUH!!!

I really wish it had been that way for the rest of the day. It wasn’t. Flee called, Sis called... and just when I had given up hope - cursing my stupid, fancy, useless, non-ringing mobile – it started blinking and it said “Tarzan Calling” (that’s a nick for one of my friends. Teeheehee)

However, both of my best, closest and oldest friends did not call. I felt sad and I was disappointed. I realized I am too used to being the princess on that day every year and that I wasn’t anymore. I realized that I loved the attention it brought and that I am not in that attention span any more.

I know I know I know – I am not a superstar, but do I really need to be that for people close to me to remember and wish me on my birthday???

It felt like I had lost a lot but never accepted it till it was right there in my face.

It just din feel the same. Well, I am not sad, cuz I know there are people who do care, just that it did not feel the same without the wishes from people who have always been there and have never forgotten, wishing me year after year without fail, following the stupid rituals that I looked forward to every year, despite the fact that I knew what it would be.

But this year, it did not happen. It was not the same. My birthday was suddenly - JUST ANOTHER DAY.

However, Flee, Venky and Tarzan ensured that it wouldn’t become exactly that for me... THANKS A ZILLION TONS ... Really, with all my heart!!!

Flee got me a pair of awesome looking brown suede leather gather look boots, a cute little Christmas hanging and flowers delivered to my house. And she kept wishing me after every 2-3 hours, all through the day... thanks girl, meant a lot.

Tarzan gave me a classy Pierre Cardin watch - now he’s crazy to do that but m not complaining. I simply love the classy thing that it is - formal yet absolutely stylish. THANK YOU :-D … Oh! And how can I forget the south cotton jacket that you sent. AWESOME :-)

Venky, thanks for the cutest and the most adorable greeting card that I have ever received in my life. I promise publicly that you WILL get your ice-cream :P … I know I was bugging you with my list and all that, but I really did not expect you to be sending it all the way here. It was a GOOOOOOOOD surprise and I simply loved it :-)

I got my birthday wishes - warm, cold, formal, fun, loving, fake - all sorts … and at the end of the day, it made me wonder how just one year can change so many things and so many people.

Funny… isn’t it??? Just One Year and Just another day in it!!!

Labels: birthday, friends, hurt, Life, memories, nostalgia, think

Labels: friends, friendship, human touch, Life, think, time pass

Labels: desire, friends, friendship, Heart break, introspect, Letting go, Life, Love, Self, song, think

Labels: contest, introspect, Life, memories, think