Heart'n'Soul

Innocence and trust have no value these days - do they?
I am questioning myself and answering at the same time
No - it surely does not!!!

But it is a little extreme when people will do things going all out of their way to make you trust them only with a plan to break it. OUCH! It hurts a lot. Especially when you have to literally pay a bomb for it, like an atom bomb worth of real money. Till today it had never been a concern for me. I have never valued money over people or over general state of being sane. I would rather spend money and not bother about it then being in a mentally disturbed or depressed state - be it myself or someone I know - money was never above people. And hold on - I am not talking about the usual shopping and chocolate indulgence women use for mood lift! I am talking about travelling with friends, catching up with an old friend even if thy are in a different city, Making loooooong calls, joining a class, going for a drive - cuz they need it or cuz i need it- things which are decently expensive to not so expensive but keep my or my friend's general happiness in day to day life intact and hence help us being sane.

This time around though, even that hasn’t help, even though I am totally bankrupt now.... I don’t know what to believe - that money is important, cuz I suddenly have none or that mental sanity is still more important, which doesn’t prevail right now since I don’t seem to comprehend till date what happened and why and of course how even with all my money gone, I am actually more distressed! Yeah I am worried about my bank balance for a change!!!!

And it’s not just that – it’s also about people. What do I do? Do I stop believing and trusting in people? To not believe anyone who I meet and question even people who I think as good friends? Cuz people who did what they did were also supposedly good friends!!! SO if I am duh and naive enough to not being able to judge people well, then how do I know that the people I trust are actually trustworthy? So do I just suddenly start disbelieving and doubting everyone, cuz people change and will obviously never tell you what they really have in mind!!!

At the same time there are people who have been there for me pretty much... Abhi, Sud, Nicks, Mads, Surs, Fali, Arjun.... and they are not acquaintances; they are not someone I happened to know... they are people I can rely on... But weren’t they also acquaintances once... its because I thot of them as potential good friends that I talked to them and then as great people that is why they became close friends. So if I stop believing, I won’t meet more people like these and will completely cut myself from any potential goodness left in the world!

I don’t know, this is all so confusing. I don’t have it in myself to look forward to meeting new people anymore. I am done with that nonsense. I think I am too old to meet new people and get stuck in some more bullshit just cuz even at this age I tend to trust people. I should not. I WILL NOT I RESOLVE!

SO yeah trust is overrated and I seemed to have discoverd it the hard way. There is no value to it. We can trust someone as much as we want and they will still screw it from all sides possible. Sometimes even if they have proven other wise... So just like each day is new, the equation that we have with other people is also renewed. Today they maybe extremely trustworthy and tomorrow the bang opposite. We will never see the other side of a person, the ugly one more often than not, till they chose us the lucky winner. And in my case I seem to be winning that a lot these days.

What to do such is the breed called Homo sapiens! And I am too black and white to deal with it, so as usual I shall deem it all black and I am outta it...

And for that thing called trust, here are my last words to you:-

Dear Trust

Well I shall hope to see you sometime, it was good to know you but extinction is quite a hazard. I know I have used you too much and have completely spent you on silliest of people and I know I run the risk of not trusting someone worthy anymore, but oh what the hell!!! Being proven wrong this time around would actually be a super delight as compared to the other way round as a practice and being let down by everyone. Goodbye trust.

Will try dealing with your half sister called expectations the same way and hopefully say the same to her soon

Till then.. Whatever!
Div

Labels: Belief, Faith, goodbye, hope, hurt, introspect, Life, people, Questions, random, think, trust

I was obviously never bothered about cold and how I would sleep. I was so loved that I wasn’t even allowed to feel the cold. And that's why I trusted completely.

BUT THEN I GREW UP

My world now comprises of not just my mom and dad but many more.

Not so long back, or at least that’s how it seems. I used to be this open, friendly, trusting person who would let in people in her life easily. Make friends and let them be. I am still friendly, open and trusting. But the fact that there is even that little space to fit in the doubt, the fear - takes away from the joy and happiness that life and people can give us. Because my ability to trust people completely, with anything and everything, has gone to hibernation... maybe I have even lost it.

Unlike the childhood, the fear has set in because my world has grown from just the two beautiful people and their loving hearts to a huge word of randomness filled with too much of deceit, lies and hatred. I am not unaffected either. I have learnt to lie, to fear, to lock people out and to dislike and even hate them.

And so, now when I have an opportunity to meet someone new or do something new. More often than not - I won’t. I am too scared of the unknown. In any case; life is unpredictable and no one knows the answer to what next so why add another dimension of "NOT KNOWING" to it. It’s just that place I fear. "New" scares me because it doesn’t come with an assurance of being good.

The winter is setting in again. This time on who I am. The cozy feeling which I get from the love and care of family and friends around is just enough to keep me going and yet not enough to keep me comfortably warm. I wonder sometimes if it ever will be.

The stranger doesn’t say anything, just quietly stays next to me. Like a shadow that never leaves me and yet is the most discomforting factor of life right now.

Labels: Belief, Faith, hope, human touch, introspect, Life, memories, random, Self

It can be something as small as losing your favorite material thing and something as big as losing someone close to your heart. And amidst all of this, you and me often forget to acknowledge what we already have - things and people - that are such a coherent part of our life, just like our own skin - so perfectly blended with our own existence that it all seems like a part of us and not as some external entity.

And hence, more often that not, we tend to overlook, all that we really need to breathe. We may or may not take it all for granted, but we surely do not realize how important they are for us... until one day, when we lose something or someone.

Its then that we realize what we have lost... and that sometimes there is no looking back... cuz you will never be able to make them realize what they meant, no words you say will be heard, nothing you do can undo the events, worst still, you may never be able to say things that you wanted to.

Its been seven years now since I lost my best friend and its never been the same. I know some of the best people around and my closest buddies are my friends in the real sense of the word. But no one can ever fill the gap that’s been created. And so, I tend to hold on to my close friends with all my dear life - call it fear of losing them to the uncertain, call it ideology, call it anything - but I follow it like a strict rule. Friendship happens to be one of my most cherished values in life.

However, these very close friends of mine do not agree with it all the time. A very close friend of mine, recently complained about me not having enough self respect and letting another friend use me. I was advised to steer clear of that friend. But all I asked was, if you have some work, wont you ask your closest friend first to help you or depend on them to care for you??? So how is it that I was so called "USED"??? And all I said to her was that a friend is a friend, even with all his/her shortcomings... and I can’t let go of a friend just cuz they did something they should not have. She said it’s all ideal and sounds good to hear, but should be implemented only to a limit and only when the same is being reciprocated by the other person. She said that all relations are a give and take, and I am being Mother Teresa by acting foolish and hurting myself.

Maybe she is right. I know she cares, I know she is reading, I know she is one of the very few people who would actually say things as they are without putting any make up on top of it. And that’s why I’d rather talk to her than anyone else, cuz I like things black and white... doesn’t matter if most of them are black and if it hurts like crazy... but grey is not for me... it makes me sick both mentally n physically... so black is also good cuz its not grey.

But at the same time it is in direct conflict with my ideology of friendship. I do not discount the fact that I can’t be wrong or the fact that not everyone is alike and this particular person may not really be a great friend to have. However, the dilemma is - how do I decide what’s rite in this case? Do I follow my heart and be a friend despite all logic pointing in a totally opposite direction? Or do I follow my mind, which asks me to completely shun this person out of my life and don give a damn... cuz seems like this person clearly does not either.

We become friends with someone only when we know that we think we can trust that person and then we do exactly that - we trust them. And so did I. And then, it was broken under the pretext of friendship... now that also is in direct conflict of my idea of friendship!

In today's world where everything seems like a sham, trust has become a rare commodity... its very difficult to find someone to trust and its equally difficult to find someone who trusts you. So its obviously not just rare but valuable too. Or maybe not. Especially when its broken and assaulted by the very few people who you consider close to your heart.

Now all this jazzy shit aside, I wonder how one person starts believing or trusting the other. What is it that makes you trust someone? What is it that makes you accept that person without questioning their intentions?

Its like an extreme adventure sport, you don’t know what you are getting in to till you come out all fine, or otherwise for that matter. You expose the most vulnerable feelings, emotions, secrets and all that stuff - with full confidence in that person that it wont come back to haunt you. Unknowingly and unintentionally, you are gearing other people to take advantage of you... while you expect and believe that it wont happen.

Now why do we humans do that?? Like why do we believe that someone is good enough to be "THAT" person who will keep your trust safe and will not break it at the drop of a hat??

Neat - ain't it... like a vicious circle - unless u fall, u will not know if the person you "TRUST" will save you. But unless you trust someone, you wont try falling... and if that trust is broken, you will fall n hurt pretty effectively.

So when do you know that someone is not being a friend or depending on you as a friend, but is instead manipulating your trust in them? Where do you draw that line and say - till u don cross that line, I will not let my ego rise but beyond this line, its my self respect that I must save? Is there really something like a selfless friendship or is it just a myth... cuz then we all should stick only to people who care and love us back equally. NO???

AH!!! - I’ve hit another grey... n not liking it for sure!!!

This new year, I just wish to have enough strength to survive the fall and to never be the "puppy dog" that my other friend called me. (Although I love puppy dogs, only not everyone does).

God - if you exist - remind me not to trust just about anyone, cuz the risk is not worth it at all.

Labels: Belief, broken heart, Faith, Heart break, hurt, Life, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, think

Labels: Belief, Faith, festivals, god, hope, Life, miracle

What is it about this place or the religion that they need to do all this? I believe its their faith - blind or otherwise. It made me think how I have faith in nothing anymore. How my belief system is not that strong anymore. And that there is nothing and no one that I truly truly have faith in and believe in. Yes I do have faith in certain people and certain ideals, but I don't have COMPLETE FAITH even in myself anymore. Some faith and belief, here and there...but nothing more nothing less. I don't COMPLETELY believe in Love, Friendship, Life, Family, Religion, Hard Work....nothing at all. Everything seems to have exceptions attached to it! Maybe I am too skeptical, Maybe I have seen only exceptions, Maybe I myself am an exception. But whatever it is, there is really nothing that I have complete faith in - no person, no relation, no concept, no ideal - Nothing.

Labels: Belief, Faith, Life, Questions