Heart'n'Soul
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Stranger in the making - II
And still, when some thing new came along, we were more than eager to explore it and try, even though our parents insisted AGAIN that it can be harmful. Ignorance being our excuse, we would still go ahead with it.
But I believe there was a bigger factor there. This was our unadulterated trust in the hands that cradled us to sleep and wrapped them around us every time something went wrong. We knew no matter what happens, they will be there to hold us and make things fine. Fear was not a consideration.
I was born in December and apparently it was a good cold year. Luxury was not a consideration in my house then. One room is all we had and that was certainly more than enough for all three of us. And later on when my sis was born, even for all four of us. But despite that, I had the finest and the most luxurious sleep all the time. My dad would put me on his arm and then wrap his arm on his chest. I would sleep just fine, actually perfect, all night long... while my dad probably was uncomfortable being in that position. And the next day he would do the same again.
I was obviously never bothered about cold and how I would sleep. I was so loved that I wasn’t even allowed to feel the cold. And that's why I trusted completely.
BUT THEN I GREW UP
My world now comprises of not just my mom and dad but many more.
Not so long back, or at least that’s how it seems. I used to be this open, friendly, trusting person who would let in people in her life easily. Make friends and let them be. I am still friendly, open and trusting. But the fact that there is even that little space to fit in the doubt, the fear - takes away from the joy and happiness that life and people can give us. Because my ability to trust people completely, with anything and everything, has gone to hibernation... maybe I have even lost it.
Unlike the childhood, the fear has set in because my world has grown from just the two beautiful people and their loving hearts to a huge word of randomness filled with too much of deceit, lies and hatred. I am not unaffected either. I have learnt to lie, to fear, to lock people out and to dislike and even hate them.
And so, now when I have an opportunity to meet someone new or do something new. More often than not - I won’t. I am too scared of the unknown. In any case; life is unpredictable and no one knows the answer to what next so why add another dimension of "NOT KNOWING" to it. It’s just that place I fear. "New" scares me because it doesn’t come with an assurance of being good.
The winter is setting in again. This time on who I am. The cozy feeling which I get from the love and care of family and friends around is just enough to keep me going and yet not enough to keep me comfortably warm. I wonder sometimes if it ever will be.
The stranger doesn’t say anything, just quietly stays next to me. Like a shadow that never leaves me and yet is the most discomforting factor of life right now.
Labels: Belief, Faith, hope, human touch, introspect, Life, memories, random, Self
Friday, October 1, 2010
For Now and Forever - VIII
Josh lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. The ruins of his world that had crashed long ago had now been reduced to dust.
He opened the drawer of his bed side table and took out a letter -old, opened and folded a multiple times but yet not torn.
He unfolded it once again and began reading…
Dear Grace
You are just another name and just another person for some… but for me – the best and the worst part of my life.
You gave me the four most beautiful years of my life filled with joy of our love, and happiness that knew no bounds. And now the most traumatic time of my life… parting with you and it just doesn’t seem to end…
I don know where we lost it or was it just me? Suddenly everything looks like a farce… everything, everyone, every moment. Did you never understand me, did you never trust me or did you simply never love me?
But then what about all those special moments we spent together… our first kiss, our first dance, our first valentine day, our short trips, those long drives, the way you held my hand, the way you would cry every time I left, our silly fights, how you were always there when I got my honors, how your eyes sparkled when it rained… I remember everything as clearly as if it was just yesterday… every single thing. How you would always wear a T Shirt inside your shirt cuz u thought u were too thin, Your silly dance on the new joinee party, your ankle sprain during your only basket basketball match, your stories bout your nephew, how you ran away from the hospital when your sister was in labor, how your denims looked like they were about to fall, how your spectacles were never straight… the way you would look at me every time I was sad, how you would never drive above 50 miles/hr...And so much more...
And after all this… while I was still regretting having fought with you and wondering how to make things work and make them better... you told ME that you wish you were never with me and that you wish you were always with him. Did I never mean anything to you?
As much as I want to, I can’t even cry. The imprints of your face have been carved in my eyes forever. I fear it will wash away if I cry. But it’s only so hard not to cry, cuz it’s you I am talking about. Cuz it’s you I miss. It’s you that I have lost... irreplaceable forever. Cuz when you walked out on me, you didn’t just take a part of my life and a part of my heart with you but you also took a part of me with you.
And since that day, that place is just empty. Not even a single day has gone by when I do not wish to be with you. I still remember the day you left and every time I think about it, I wish I could ask for just a few more moments, few more days, few more years... a lifetime.
Only if I could have my way, just once. Or maybe it’s just too much to ask for.
Still loving you forever
Josh
He folded the letter neatly and held it in his hands while a lone tear trickled down from the corner of his eye, sinking to the floor silently. Josh stared at the tear drop resting on the floor unperturbed, yet futile and ineffective. He got up and walked to the fire place and placed the letter in the middle of the flames.
He stood there watching the letter burn, just like his dreams, his wishes – some went up in the flames, some reduced to ashes.
The life had come full circle, just like their song... the Josh and Grace Song.
Desperate for changing...
Starving for truth ...
I'm closer to where I started...
Chasing after you...
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Labels: goodbye, Heart break, letter, Letting go, Love, memories, message broken heart, Missing you, romance
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Shattered
It can be something as small as losing your favorite material thing and something as big as losing someone close to your heart. And amidst all of this, you and me often forget to acknowledge what we already have - things and people - that are such a coherent part of our life, just like our own skin - so perfectly blended with our own existence that it all seems like a part of us and not as some external entity.
And hence, more often that not, we tend to overlook, all that we really need to breathe. We may or may not take it all for granted, but we surely do not realize how important they are for us... until one day, when we lose something or someone.
Its then that we realize what we have lost... and that sometimes there is no looking back... cuz you will never be able to make them realize what they meant, no words you say will be heard, nothing you do can undo the events, worst still, you may never be able to say things that you wanted to.
Its been seven years now since I lost my best friend and its never been the same. I know some of the best people around and my closest buddies are my friends in the real sense of the word. But no one can ever fill the gap that’s been created. And so, I tend to hold on to my close friends with all my dear life - call it fear of losing them to the uncertain, call it ideology, call it anything - but I follow it like a strict rule. Friendship happens to be one of my most cherished values in life.
However, these very close friends of mine do not agree with it all the time. A very close friend of mine, recently complained about me not having enough self respect and letting another friend use me. I was advised to steer clear of that friend. But all I asked was, if you have some work, wont you ask your closest friend first to help you or depend on them to care for you??? So how is it that I was so called "USED"??? And all I said to her was that a friend is a friend, even with all his/her shortcomings... and I can’t let go of a friend just cuz they did something they should not have. She said it’s all ideal and sounds good to hear, but should be implemented only to a limit and only when the same is being reciprocated by the other person. She said that all relations are a give and take, and I am being Mother Teresa by acting foolish and hurting myself.
Maybe she is right. I know she cares, I know she is reading, I know she is one of the very few people who would actually say things as they are without putting any make up on top of it. And that’s why I’d rather talk to her than anyone else, cuz I like things black and white... doesn’t matter if most of them are black and if it hurts like crazy... but grey is not for me... it makes me sick both mentally n physically... so black is also good cuz its not grey.
But at the same time it is in direct conflict with my ideology of friendship. I do not discount the fact that I can’t be wrong or the fact that not everyone is alike and this particular person may not really be a great friend to have. However, the dilemma is - how do I decide what’s rite in this case? Do I follow my heart and be a friend despite all logic pointing in a totally opposite direction? Or do I follow my mind, which asks me to completely shun this person out of my life and don give a damn... cuz seems like this person clearly does not either.
We become friends with someone only when we know that we think we can trust that person and then we do exactly that - we trust them. And so did I. And then, it was broken under the pretext of friendship... now that also is in direct conflict of my idea of friendship!
In today's world where everything seems like a sham, trust has become a rare commodity... its very difficult to find someone to trust and its equally difficult to find someone who trusts you. So its obviously not just rare but valuable too. Or maybe not. Especially when its broken and assaulted by the very few people who you consider close to your heart.
Now all this jazzy shit aside, I wonder how one person starts believing or trusting the other. What is it that makes you trust someone? What is it that makes you accept that person without questioning their intentions?
Its like an extreme adventure sport, you don’t know what you are getting in to till you come out all fine, or otherwise for that matter. You expose the most vulnerable feelings, emotions, secrets and all that stuff - with full confidence in that person that it wont come back to haunt you. Unknowingly and unintentionally, you are gearing other people to take advantage of you... while you expect and believe that it wont happen.
Now why do we humans do that?? Like why do we believe that someone is good enough to be "THAT" person who will keep your trust safe and will not break it at the drop of a hat??
Neat - ain't it... like a vicious circle - unless u fall, u will not know if the person you "TRUST" will save you. But unless you trust someone, you wont try falling... and if that trust is broken, you will fall n hurt pretty effectively.
So when do you know that someone is not being a friend or depending on you as a friend, but is instead manipulating your trust in them? Where do you draw that line and say - till u don cross that line, I will not let my ego rise but beyond this line, its my self respect that I must save? Is there really something like a selfless friendship or is it just a myth... cuz then we all should stick only to people who care and love us back equally. NO???
AH!!! - I’ve hit another grey... n not liking it for sure!!!
This new year, I just wish to have enough strength to survive the fall and to never be the "puppy dog" that my other friend called me. (Although I love puppy dogs, only not everyone does).
God - if you exist - remind me not to trust just about anyone, cuz the risk is not worth it at all.
Labels: Belief, broken heart, Faith, Heart break, hurt, Life, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, think
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Me for Myself
After a break of more than three years, I joined my dance classes back. And after an equally long time, I felt I was in tune with myself again. Although it was only for a short while, twice a week to be precise, but I was enjoying myself. I was surely happier. In the middle of everything going wrong, there was something I looked forward too.
I couldn’t have asked for more, I had my fav instructor to teach me and Shiamak was right there on the day of the show. It was a good surprise since he arrived there just before our performance began. I was all pumped up and all smiles. And it was truly unbelievable to be up there and performing again. Bliss!
The dance style I learned this time was Krumping along with popping and locking. And the song was Blue! - remixed version of the title song. We used a huge piece of satin cloth and t-shirt as our props. All thanks to Prafful's superb imagination - the choreography was unbelievably awesome... and with amazing group effort, our number was well appreciated and was one of the best that evening.
Other numbers which really impressed me was "Tu Jane na" - very romantic and beautiful, a contemporary composition - totally loved it.
And for the first time, my enthusiasm was just a tad bit less. For the first time, I did not see that familiar face in crowd - the one that was always there for all my performances. I knew it won’t be there but for some reason my eyes were still searching for it. All I want to say is that I really missed you. I miss you everyday but I missed you a lot more that day.
Only if life was fair enough, even if not completely fair.... but since its not, I am going to take this as a new beginning. Beginning of a series of performances where it’s just me - my performances will now be all mine and for me. This time around, it will be me for myself.
Labels: dance, enjoy, Fun, happy high, Life, memories, passion
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Some goodbyes are forever....
Have you ever let go of someone who meant the most to you but just did not feel right... friend/family/love... anyone. You had the strongest, most logical reason to part ways and so you did. And when you couldn’t find that person anymore around you, you realized how much you needed them... and you just never stop missing them, thinking about them and wondering if they think about you too. Even thought the right thing to do was let go, but if given a chance, you would not do it a second time.
I will make a confession today and say, I have done that in life. I let one of my closest friends... one of the people who gave me some of my best memories in life...walk away. And I am saddened to see that a lot of people are doing that too.
Just makes me think how stupid we humans can be. We invest our emotions, our love and our feelings in someone and then... we just let that person walk away in a fit of anger, disappointment, hurt... whatever the reason maybe. We forget all those small little things that made that person so special and those moments that we would cherish for life. We let them go and then once the anger, the resentment settles down... we suffer for the longest time ever. They move on, cuz you asked them to...but you stand there forever, looking at the footsteps they left behind. I swear I tried hard to make things fine, but I guess it was too late. You had gone too far... too far to hear my voice, to far to see me.
You can’t move forward, cuz there's no way there. You can’t follow them, cuz that's not right and you would reach no where in the end. And you can’t even go back. You know you will never see them or hear from them, that they are gone forever. And you are scared that you will forget the feeling of being with them, the way they sounded, the way they looked, the way they were with you... that you would forget the best of your memories without them. You are scared they will become just a faint memory, that they will become someone you know existed but cannot recall. And you are scared that you would lose whatever is left of them with you.
I am pretty sure that even if I did not take the decision I took, the things would still be the way they are today. We would still not be friends. You would still have found another excuse to do what you did.... cuz that’s how you wanted things to be. But I still so wish that the excuse wasn’t me... that maybe if it wasn’t me, then maybe it wouldn’t have been you either... that maybe we were still friends... I wish you had been more honest and I wish I was more patient. I can’t speak for you anymore, so I don’t know about the dishonesty bit on your part, but I do know bout my impatience and I wish I had held on a bit longer... just a wee bit longer. I wish I hadn't given up.
I'm sorry for the fight we had... I truly am. I still miss you... I still love you... I still trust you so much that though I know all your lies, my heart still doesn't believe any of it. I miss the friend, who understood my passion like no one else has ever been able to understand, not my family - not my best friend. And I know no-one ever will.There are all kinds of mistakes, good - bad, big - small, others - ours... but there are some mistakes, some decisions we take - that we can neither forget and nor forgive ourselves for. And it’s always easier to live with someone else's mistake and forgive them, but not your own...specially the ones that give you a bruise for a lifetime. Cuz it kills you from within each day, cuz it’s your own guilt and you are responsible for making yourself suffer... cuz you can’t even complain... cuz you can’t play the blame game.
So when you feel like saying goodbye - be very careful and just remember - that some goodbyes are forever...
Labels: broken heart, goodbye, Heart break, hurt, introspect, Letting go, Life, memories, Missing you
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Jhoooo Asssss Part - II
Ok so am back
Back for good and back with loads of good memories...
When I landed in US, I din like anything except the cool breeze in san Diego.
Ask me now - and there is nothing that I do not like about that place.
Culture, Respect, Peace, Brother hood.... all that we talk loudly about, on top of our voices - it’s actually something they practice more than we guys do.. they are warmer, more welcoming, more respectful, and more polite than us in general.
We talk about a good routine, getting up early, having a family time etc - but that’s the last thing most of us do or follow... But in US, most ppl are in office by 7:30-8:00 AM. They work hard till 4:30-5:00 PM and then its time for family. Unlike our spoilt brats of kids here who shout n cry loudly for every little thing - the kids there are in bed before 9. I was amazed, cuz that’s the last thing I expected based on what impression we have of US culture.
Yes - the kids move out at 16-18 yrs of age and become independent. But then so what. They really know how to LIVE their life. People concentrate on themselves and so no one has time or energy to spend on getting jealous of sum1 else’s achievements or being judgmental or bad mouthing sum1. Now exceptions are there, but exceptions are not examples.
One of the things that really amazed me and left me in awe was the use of technology to provide centres like seaworld and hollywood. Just so much fun to be. Will never forgett the Shamu Show- Killer Whale show at SeaWorld and the Jurassic Park Ride at Hollywood. Yipeeeeeee!!! Jaw Droppin Stuff I say!
Another thing that I really loved there was the respect for other people and their time. Which means most people would follow rules. Almost everyone did. And so - I loved driving on the roads. Freeways were such a great experience.
I have already raved about the work culture so I will now get to that one thing which I loved the most in US - LAS VEGAS - The Sin City
I am back and I love being back in India, I love being home and have my crazy family going crazy everyday. The crazy Laughter... but I just can’t get over Vegas... I guess more than the city it was me being myself totally - no restrictions no bars.... there are things I learnt about myself in 2 days which I did not know in 26yrs...just cuz I was free to take my decisions without any one looking at me and trying to judge me or sum1 pressurizing me to do sum thing. It was me being myself and there’s no greater feeling than that. And that, I owe to Vegas.
Now what happened in Vegas doesn’t necessarily have to stay in Vegas. So my Vegas story next time.... cuz it really deserves a special exclusive blog. Something I would like my kids n my grand kids to read and say - grandma was so mad... like she was so mad...LOL
But US trip can not can not end without me mentioning 3 people who really made it worthwhile!
2 - Mama - I got the best gift ever in my life - The Atlanta trip and the camera, one that I had been planning to buy since whenever and now I finally have it. I can now click anything anytime, whenever I want. I got like some 700 pics although I had the camera only in the last 2 weeks... just so love it.
Back to work now... But I'm loving it. Ting Ting TiDing!
Labels: Fun, happy high, hollywood, memories, New place, san diego, sea world, travel, trip, usa, vegas
Thursday, April 9, 2009
For Now and Forever - V
Josh leaned against his car, nervous as hell... waiting for Grace to come out of her office complex. His eyes constantly shifting between the exit gate and his watch. He felt the same anxiety every time he came to see her… Every time.
Moments later, Grace emerged from the gate. Smiling, as always. Grace, not just by name... but elegance personified. Something lit up inside him the moment he saw her walking towards him.
She came and hugged him "Hello Happiness!” planting a cheerful peck on his check.
Amused, he asked "Oh Wow! What was that for?"
Grace "Just like that!"
Josh "Oh Common, you never do that. Now out with it."
Grace looked at Josh, her grin widening "No really, for no reason."
Josh "No No No. There IS something, tell me... NOW"
Grace "No"Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Grace "Well! If you really want to know..."
Josh "Yeaaaah... I really want to know..."
Josh looked at her surprised and mystified "So?"
Puzzled, he opened up the crumpled paper to read it. It said "Stop searching, happiness is just next to you."
He looked at her with all the love in his heart and smiled with all the warmth in his soul. He gently held her hand and locked her close to his heart, in a tender embrace.
In this moment, he knew that it was either her or no one.
In this moment, he did not know why and how... but he just knew.
In this moment, he knew he wanted to hold her, just like that, next to his heart... For Now and Forever.
Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh as always.
He looked at the exit gate, not nervous at all… waiting for her, as the crowd started pouring out.
In this moment, he knew she would never surface from the crowd… he knew that his heart will always long for it but he will never be able to hold her again…
In this moment… he knew.
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Labels: broken heart, desire, Heart break, hurt, Letting go, Life, Love, memories, Missing you, moving on, nostalgia, romance, soul, think, want
Saturday, February 14, 2009
For Now and Forever - IV
"One more please" Josh signaled
"Sure sir" Bartender replied
Just then, from the corner of his eye, he saw a man leading his lady to the dance floor. A few moments later, another couple joined them. Before long, the dance floor was filled with couples only, holding each other close, smiling and gently moving to the sound of music.
It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss ....
Josh suddenly became aware of the occasion. It was Valentines Day.
"Sir" the bartender interrupted "your drink"
Josh looked at his glass and smiled.
The world around him began to dissolve, melting into images from another time, another place as his eyes stared blankly in the thin air.
He turned around to face the dance floor.
She stood there in a vibrant pink blouse, a high cut black trousers and the black satin wrapped around her neck, contrasting and complimenting the white of her skin. Her face shimmering in the darkness, smiling generously at him.
He put down his glass and rushed towards her, with an urgency unknown to himself.
He took her hand tenderly and drew her close to himself, sweeping her across the dance floor.
"What?" Grace said, embarrassed and startled by his actions.Josh put a finger on her lips "Shhhhh!!!"
Grace "But!"
Josh "Shhhh!!!"
Grace "Jo..!!"
Josh "Shhh!!! ...listen"
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this ...
It was her favorite song. She looked at him and her eyes lit up.
He lifted her arms softly and put them around his neck. United in form and movement, they moved effortlessly to the symphony... elegance and style... like a dream...as if she was flying on a magic carpet in his arms.
Slowly, she began to let go as Josh led her gently through a series of patterns, blending flawlessly with the rhythm of the music... filled with the warm joy of her free spirit... no bounds, no fear.
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
As the song progressed, Josh drifted in time... only to find his empty arms and an empty glass.
I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do
"One more please" Josh signaled
"Sure sir" Bartender replied
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Labels: dance, Heart break, hurt, Life, Love, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, romance, valentine
Saturday, February 7, 2009
If Only...
He looked at her tears, her pain reflecting in his eyes.
He let her cry in silence and spill it all out till she was drained.
Gradually the tears stopped flowing... the rhythm of her sobs breaking his heart and the silence enveloping them.
He cupped her face tenderly in his hands and looked in her eyes. Something tugged hard on his heart.
He kissed her on the forehead "You know you cry like a baby!"
"Hmmmmm....." another tear rolling down her cheek.
He wiped it away softly. " Tigs - there is a reason why I call you that... and you know it"
"Hmmmm..."
"You know, you are not allowed to do this to yourself."
"I know..."
"But you wont stop" his voice gentle, yet firm .
"I don’t know... I'm sorry" and she hid her face in his chest again
"Hmmmmm..." He hugged her again. "It’s ok... I'm here"
If only… you were here today
If only… I could hear you say
Those words that made it all disappear
If only… it helped to pray
Kev, this ones for you…I miss you more than ever... my bestest friend, my strongest pillar of support, my sunshine for all the gloomy days... what do I do without you now?
If only life was fair…
PS: I will be taking a break from blogging after my next post which is the part of my “Forever and For Always series”. I guess I just need to be with myself for sometime. I am scheduling the next post to be published on V-Day. And I am sorry as I won’t be around to catch up on you all for sometime. But I promise to read and catch up on everything before I take a break.
Luv
D
Labels: friends, friendship, hug, Life, memories, Missing you, nostalgia
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Days of our Lives
I strongly believe that the days that form our life, are just like our whole life is. It doesn’t always turn out to be the way it starts and neither does it turn out to be what we expect it to be.
Sometimes its not what you wanted but what you get is far better, while other times you want something so desperately that you do anything and everything to acquire it... and yet, all you get is nothing.
Like ever year, this year also my birthday began with a bang. I had actually forgotten that it’s my birthday cuz I was too tired and dazed (thanks to work).
Mom and dad acted like they had slept off and then suddenly they came to my room with a cake and my gifts - a pair of quilted look ballerinas, funky shades and well a special kind of mouth freshener. It was very more than special cuz though they forgot that I do not like cakes - and most of all a pineapple cake - they remembered everything I had checked out in various stores, things that I loved, but still did not buy them cuz I was majorly short on cash in December. You see, I had to save whatever I had for tax declarations - DUH!!!
I really wish it had been that way for the rest of the day. It wasn’t. Flee called, Sis called... and just when I had given up hope - cursing my stupid, fancy, useless, non-ringing mobile – it started blinking and it said “Tarzan Calling” (that’s a nick for one of my friends. Teeheehee)
However, both of my best, closest and oldest friends did not call. I felt sad and I was disappointed. I realized I am too used to being the princess on that day every year and that I wasn’t anymore. I realized that I loved the attention it brought and that I am not in that attention span any more.
I know I know I know – I am not a superstar, but do I really need to be that for people close to me to remember and wish me on my birthday???
It felt like I had lost a lot but never accepted it till it was right there in my face.
It just din feel the same. Well, I am not sad, cuz I know there are people who do care, just that it did not feel the same without the wishes from people who have always been there and have never forgotten, wishing me year after year without fail, following the stupid rituals that I looked forward to every year, despite the fact that I knew what it would be.
But this year, it did not happen. It was not the same. My birthday was suddenly - JUST ANOTHER DAY.
However, Flee, Venky and Tarzan ensured that it wouldn’t become exactly that for me... THANKS A ZILLION TONS ... Really, with all my heart!!!
Flee got me a pair of awesome looking brown suede leather gather look boots, a cute little Christmas hanging and flowers delivered to my house. And she kept wishing me after every 2-3 hours, all through the day... thanks girl, meant a lot.
Tarzan gave me a classy Pierre Cardin watch - now he’s crazy to do that but m not complaining. I simply love the classy thing that it is - formal yet absolutely stylish. THANK YOU :-D … Oh! And how can I forget the south cotton jacket that you sent. AWESOME :-)
Venky, thanks for the cutest and the most adorable greeting card that I have ever received in my life. I promise publicly that you WILL get your ice-cream :P … I know I was bugging you with my list and all that, but I really did not expect you to be sending it all the way here. It was a GOOOOOOOOD surprise and I simply loved it :-)
I got my birthday wishes - warm, cold, formal, fun, loving, fake - all sorts … and at the end of the day, it made me wonder how just one year can change so many things and so many people.
Funny… isn’t it??? Just One Year and Just another day in it!!!
Labels: birthday, friends, hurt, Life, memories, nostalgia, think
Friday, December 19, 2008
For Now And Forever - III
"You've got mail!" The screensaver disappeared jolting her back to reality.
"Sigh!!!" Another forward, she thought. But just when she was about to hit the delete button, she noticed the sender's name. Joshua Mackenzie.
She smiled in surprise. Josh never sent her any forwards. So why today? It was one of those mails which said that if you forward it you'll get a surprise in 15 min. She laughed in her head and forwarded it to a few friends as well as Josh.
"You've got mail", her PC speakers sang again in a symphony, exactly after 15 minutes.
It was Josh again. "Did you get the surprise?"
She was amused. Josh sat just two bays away, on the same work floor as her!
"No" She replied
"You've got mail!" She looked at the screen and almost burst out laughing.
The mail said - "Too bad, me neither! Time to go home. Wanna drop?"
She replied - "Ok"
She was more than glad to see Josh waiting for her in the parking. Grace's pet Tanny had delivered the pups just last night. She was completely drained. He could see the shadows of a long night on her face.
They had dinner in their favorite restaurant - The Golden Dragon - and the drudgeries of the day, all seemed to have disappeared in the conversation. It always worked - the restaurant, the tête-à-tête and the company – ALWAYS!
After the dinner, Josh drove quietly to her place, marveling at the warmth radiating from her soft, glowing skin as she spoke about Tanny's new borns.
Just before she opened the car door to leave, Josh said... "So, neither of us got the surprise yet?"
"I know!" Grace smiled at him
"Its not too late you know!" Josh said shifting his glance between her lips and her eyes a couple of times.
Grace looked at him and asked what it meant.
He slowly bent forward and brushed his nose and cheek along hers. Then, he gently pulled her chin towards his lips and allowed his lips to touch hers. He parted his lips slightly and pressed them tenderly over her lips. Grace closed her eyes and savored the most sensual moment of her life- the sensation of his lips on hers. So gentle and so loving, it made her insides melt.
"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"
Josh looked in her eyes, "Your hair looks so soft," and lightly touched the tips of it.
The rose in her cheeks made Josh smile. Grace beamed at him, looking in to his deep black eyes, while Josh reached back over and started stroking her hair.
He leaned down and took a big sniff "Mmmmmmm... you smell good."
Lifehouse continued in the background...
"There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else, there is nothing else, there is nothing else"
"So!!! Was that a good surprise?" Josh said
"DEFINITLY!" She said with a wide grin pasted on her face and stars twinkling in her eyes.
“Just what the doctor ordered! Eh?” Josh smirked and both of them burst out laughing… laughing till their jaw hurt.
Lifehouse faded away slowly...
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you...
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Labels: Kiss, Life, Love, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, romance
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Hazel Eyed Boy
So, this hazel eyed boy with an absolutely adorable mop of curly hair would often behave too shy around me. He was apparently the cutest boy in the class.
On this one exam day, he came up to with an entire gang of guys and extends his hand to me “All the best for the exam Shaifali”. I shake his hand and say “you too” with much disinterest. Suddenly the entire gang of guys roared. I was too dumb to even get that! Ok fine, I was a geeky child.
1 year later I got to know he liked me. A lot. My then best friend had scandalized him by saying that I considered him a brother. Oh cmon! Don’t roll your eyes! We have all seen this nonsense of bhai-ship when we were kids! He apparently wrote a suicide letter too.
Not once in all this one year did I come to know. I guess the bhaiship did it for him. He now liked someone else. That kind of pinched me. Why it did was not clear to me back then. I think it was the start of “not looking at guys as dumb creatures”.
Time passed by. I found a F.L.A.M.E.S sheet in his desk one day with my name and his name on it. It had his current crush and his name too. You know what FLAME is. Oh you do you do! You have done it too. Na? Anyway, this was in 9th grade. I would get all the kick in the world to do something better than him. Heh, kiddish stuff.
By 10th grade, I had started to like him. But I was too feisty to confess it. He still liked the other chick. He left school in grade 11th.
We wrote to each other for a long time. We met once that year. He wrote me his address on a tissue paper and ran off. I still liked him.
I would often remember the time we met and smile to myself. Or well talked the first time. That was 5th grade. Some etiquette class it was; telephone etiquettes. Both me and him were called and have a conversation in front of the entire class about a program we watched. That was how we talked the first time.
Mid of grade 12th, the letters stopped coming. I kept writing. But he never replied back. I was angry. But I didn’t let it out.
I got to know in a letter he sent to me in February’2000 that he is seeing someone. He loved her. A lot. Something crashed inside me then. I met him in March’2000. He had changed drastically from what I had known him to be.
He looked consumed. His teeth yellow because of smoking.
The image crashed. I didn’t like him anymore. Not that much.
I liked him for 1 more year after that.
That hazel eyed boy
PS: this is another guest post by my best buddy I fondly call Fali. I know I know I am missing but promise to be back in just one week. PROMISE!!!
Labels: crush, infatuation, Life, like, Love, memories, nostalgia
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Hmmmmm
Thoughts galore, myriad...
No tire to stop it,
No weariness to fade...
Unstoppable is it?
Query myself I...
Unnerving it is but,
My emotions belie...
Going through these motions,
These pangs of introspect...
Making me look back,
Reverie, retrospect...
Etched, pictorial memories,
& those uncapturable moments at play...
Rewind / fast fwd in my head,
& dusk dawns on another day.
PS: this is Guest Post… my dear friend AJ has written this one and would like you to suggest a nice Title for this one. And well, the winner shall be posted along with my next post… This is his first blog post ever and I am already lurrrrving it!!! Send in your comments and AJ says he will reply to it :)
Labels: contest, introspect, Life, memories, think
