Heart'n'Soul
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thunder From Down Under - II
Anyway, it’s been 3 weeks almost here and I have made some little progress in adjusting to the day to day activities and the social life here. It obviously can’t be the same as Delhi but its better here now w.r.t the initial week.
But I still do miss Mom, Dad, Chan, Abhi, Priyanka and Shombe a lot. Especially cuz I had spent so much time with all of them just before coming here. Was pretty much with them 24 hrs or so given my health issue. And now I haven’t even seen them in 3 weeks. Doesn’t feel right AT ALL!
It feels so funnily weird... like Shombe got full marks in his test and I should be giving him chocolates. We discussed it - thanks to the mobile - but I can’t do it like rite now. I wanna give him a huge hug (which he wud run away from making a face) and tell him how happy and proud I am! And I wish you were around - I miss our "watch a kiddies movie, eat at McDs and play at amoeba" outings. I miss being a kid cuz I can do that only with you.
Then here, I have to get up real early most mornings to make myself breakfast cuz I need to take the meds. And I can’t help but think that mom used to do that for me every single day. And not just this, when I was unwell she wud make special food and feed me too. She would prepare juice, khichdi and be ready with my meds on time. I feel so useless without her. A mother's love is really precious. Sometimes I would get all irritated and over burdened by her care but now... without her, I feel so unloved and uncared for. Like no one cares enough. She calls everyday and knows stuff even before I say anything. The day I went to the doc here for general consultation on my cough, she sent me a message saying hope u r fine and don’t have fever. I was amazed... totally surprised, rather shocked to see the sms. I mean, how did SHE know???? I think there's just something special about these people we call Mother.... Miss u mom, and love u so very much, wish u cud read this.
Dad - love u equally and miss you equally... life wudnt be even half as much fun and positive if you weren’t you... I miss your pranks, leg pulling, the fights for the TV couch, and especially your optimistic attitude. I guess I get my positivity from you... actually I am sure! On most days I would find those things irritating but that’s just cuz its fun to be bullied by you like a big brother and then try snatching the remote from you or sitting in your chair when u get up and then fight about that too. Totally love you :) MUAH
From here, I can’t see and admire Priyanka's new phone - BB Curve. This comes with a wink especially for Priyanka!!! No Chinese dinners, no soups floating in front of our eyes, no shopping at GIP - NOT EVEN WINDOW SHOPPING :( - and no movies... the girl talk we still manage :) I miss her chocolate shake so much!!! And the daily dose of - "you better sleep on time" ....lolz
And Abhi... well he’s busy at the client site too - so we hardly get to talk... not like he talked much anyways, but it used to be good enough to see his face like 2-3 times a week and bug him with my leg pulling.... and him getting back at me for that not instantly but some time later.... Abhi, this is probably one of the very few times that you will catch me saying this so be happy that I am accepting publically that you are not such a bad guy - lol. You are queer but yet so lovable!
I miss Chan, Sud and Fali too... but I guess not as much as others cuz we were mostly in touch thru the phone and email, and that we still are. Only fali and me both have more work these days so when I call she’s busy and when she calls I am busy... just bad timing I guess!
Someone asked me how am I such a friendly and loving person... while typing this today, it struck me - its cuz I have so much love around me, its flowing into my life with each of these people in their unique way. Thanks and Love you all!
Labels: Colombo, friends, Life, Missing you, New place, nostalgia, think, trip, work
Saturday, February 7, 2009
If Only...
He looked at her tears, her pain reflecting in his eyes.
He let her cry in silence and spill it all out till she was drained.
Gradually the tears stopped flowing... the rhythm of her sobs breaking his heart and the silence enveloping them.
He cupped her face tenderly in his hands and looked in her eyes. Something tugged hard on his heart.
He kissed her on the forehead "You know you cry like a baby!"
"Hmmmmm....." another tear rolling down her cheek.
He wiped it away softly. " Tigs - there is a reason why I call you that... and you know it"
"Hmmmm..."
"You know, you are not allowed to do this to yourself."
"I know..."
"But you wont stop" his voice gentle, yet firm .
"I don’t know... I'm sorry" and she hid her face in his chest again
"Hmmmmm..." He hugged her again. "It’s ok... I'm here"
If only… you were here today
If only… I could hear you say
Those words that made it all disappear
If only… it helped to pray
Kev, this ones for you…I miss you more than ever... my bestest friend, my strongest pillar of support, my sunshine for all the gloomy days... what do I do without you now?
If only life was fair…
PS: I will be taking a break from blogging after my next post which is the part of my “Forever and For Always series”. I guess I just need to be with myself for sometime. I am scheduling the next post to be published on V-Day. And I am sorry as I won’t be around to catch up on you all for sometime. But I promise to read and catch up on everything before I take a break.
Luv
D
Labels: friends, friendship, hug, Life, memories, Missing you, nostalgia
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Days of our Lives
I strongly believe that the days that form our life, are just like our whole life is. It doesn’t always turn out to be the way it starts and neither does it turn out to be what we expect it to be.
Sometimes its not what you wanted but what you get is far better, while other times you want something so desperately that you do anything and everything to acquire it... and yet, all you get is nothing.
Like ever year, this year also my birthday began with a bang. I had actually forgotten that it’s my birthday cuz I was too tired and dazed (thanks to work).
Mom and dad acted like they had slept off and then suddenly they came to my room with a cake and my gifts - a pair of quilted look ballerinas, funky shades and well a special kind of mouth freshener. It was very more than special cuz though they forgot that I do not like cakes - and most of all a pineapple cake - they remembered everything I had checked out in various stores, things that I loved, but still did not buy them cuz I was majorly short on cash in December. You see, I had to save whatever I had for tax declarations - DUH!!!
I really wish it had been that way for the rest of the day. It wasn’t. Flee called, Sis called... and just when I had given up hope - cursing my stupid, fancy, useless, non-ringing mobile – it started blinking and it said “Tarzan Calling” (that’s a nick for one of my friends. Teeheehee)
However, both of my best, closest and oldest friends did not call. I felt sad and I was disappointed. I realized I am too used to being the princess on that day every year and that I wasn’t anymore. I realized that I loved the attention it brought and that I am not in that attention span any more.
I know I know I know – I am not a superstar, but do I really need to be that for people close to me to remember and wish me on my birthday???
It felt like I had lost a lot but never accepted it till it was right there in my face.
It just din feel the same. Well, I am not sad, cuz I know there are people who do care, just that it did not feel the same without the wishes from people who have always been there and have never forgotten, wishing me year after year without fail, following the stupid rituals that I looked forward to every year, despite the fact that I knew what it would be.
But this year, it did not happen. It was not the same. My birthday was suddenly - JUST ANOTHER DAY.
However, Flee, Venky and Tarzan ensured that it wouldn’t become exactly that for me... THANKS A ZILLION TONS ... Really, with all my heart!!!
Flee got me a pair of awesome looking brown suede leather gather look boots, a cute little Christmas hanging and flowers delivered to my house. And she kept wishing me after every 2-3 hours, all through the day... thanks girl, meant a lot.
Tarzan gave me a classy Pierre Cardin watch - now he’s crazy to do that but m not complaining. I simply love the classy thing that it is - formal yet absolutely stylish. THANK YOU :-D … Oh! And how can I forget the south cotton jacket that you sent. AWESOME :-)
Venky, thanks for the cutest and the most adorable greeting card that I have ever received in my life. I promise publicly that you WILL get your ice-cream :P … I know I was bugging you with my list and all that, but I really did not expect you to be sending it all the way here. It was a GOOOOOOOOD surprise and I simply loved it :-)
I got my birthday wishes - warm, cold, formal, fun, loving, fake - all sorts … and at the end of the day, it made me wonder how just one year can change so many things and so many people.
Funny… isn’t it??? Just One Year and Just another day in it!!!
Labels: birthday, friends, hurt, Life, memories, nostalgia, think
Thursday, November 13, 2008
MAKING TIME
Labels: friends, friendship, human touch, Life, think, time pass
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Over and Out
Just about a year back, a really really close friend of mine tried hard to make me understand that my happiness depends totally on my frame of mind. And as much as it may be regulated by external factors, the strength to overcome it lies inside me. The strength that comes from realizing and accepting the fact that as much as we may believe that we have our life under control, we don’t; that we are not responsible for everything that happens in our life - both good and bad; that there are things beyond your capability, control or obligations.
But the stubborn ass that I am, I just refused to agree and continuously kept hurting myself by blaming myself for everything that went wrong, running after the whys and the hows. I kept running after finding proof for something that I already knew by logic but my heart wouldn’t believe. In the end, when I had ample proof to justify my logic, it was already too late to get back everything I had lost in that process.
And so, I learnt that the best we can do under these conditions is to Let Go.
It’s not an easy task. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things to do. But it’s surely the most liberating. It took me the worst 2 years of my life till date to realize it but it’s also been the most enriching experience. It’s made me more humane than ever. Its made me more forgiving and non-judgmental than ever before since I now understand that just like me, everyone else is equally powerless and has no control over the ever changing situations and the people amidst those situations.Why am I suddenly talking about this? cuz I am standing at yet another personal crossroad in my life where I must let go of someone, someone really close to my heart, someone I love a lot, someone I genuinely care about, someone who means the world to me, someone I'd do anything for. Someone who I have tried letting go of but just like Phoebe said to Monica, that person clawed the way back.
But it’s also someone who doesn’t care, someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t even try to see the other side, someone to whom I mean nothing. Someone who’s never been there for me. Someone who’s all talk and no cock. And hence it’s in my best interest to let go.
And so, I must practice myself - what I have learnt and what I preach.
I don’t think that person will be reading it ever, but all I want to tell that person is that am not even sorry anymore... I can’t go on like this; I don not want to suffer anymore. I don’t blame you cuz you are who you are and there are so many things that are not under your control either. Cuz I know that you are not heartless and its not that you are a bad person, it’s just that it’s not in your heart for me. And unfortunately I am not the “Waiting” and the “Chasing” kind.
I don want to waste my energy on blaming you or myself or the situation, I just want to make the most of myself and my life. And so, I NEED to let go, I MUST let go. I can not have all I want, custom made to my desire, so I'd rather enjoy what I have and who I am.
Its not that I don’t cherish you, I really do. It’s just that I'd rather cherish myself too. Its not that I don’t have it in me to give my all to you. It’s just that I've already given too much and now I'd rather save the rest of it for myself than go bankrupt. Its not about how much I love you, it’s just about how I love myself too.
Cuz letting go is not about denying, but about accepting things as they are. And so I must.
At the same time my heart pulls me in a totally opposite direction. Cuz it’s like throwing away a piece of my heart, and probably the most treasured and the most important one. It asks me to stick on and stay and so I know its not going to be simple. It’s certainly going to be painful and demanding. Cuz it’s not going to be me. Cuz the affection I feel still pulls me to you. Cuz I am just too fond of you to not care anymore. And the way I am - Friendship is something I don’t let go of easily, just like that.
But like I expressed once earlier as well in a post - sometimes in order to be yourself, you have to stop being yourself. So as much as I don’t want to, I must say - OVER AND OUT - and my heart shall say it soon too.
The song that my heart’s humming currently is Almost by Mark Wills and here is how it goes:
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I, didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
I can't keep lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for
Gotta find somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no-doubt to be-there kind
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya 'round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count
Labels: desire, friends, friendship, Heart break, introspect, Letting go, Life, Love, Self, song, think
Thursday, September 18, 2008
And the Oscar Goes To....
First the Civilized reaction - I have received so many awards and I am so so so thankful for the appreciation... really feel honored cuz its coming from people who I admire myself. I would like to thank X and Y and Z and blah and blah. Ok forget it, I am tired myself ;P
And now after the special performance by ME, we shall start with the proceedings. Well, I thought cuz u have done so much for me and on top of that I have not been able to pass it on to anyone for SOOOO long... I thought I will create my own... Non passable ones... MWUAHAHAAHHHHHAAA (wicked DIVI)
Ok srry srry... basically I did this cuz I wan only my blog friends to have it :) ... I don want to share you with anyone.... PERIOD :D
SO HERE WE GO
...goes to Arv, Peter, Vinu, Samby, Gunj, Arun, Venky, Roy, Lena, Fali , Deb, Aneesh
The Rockin Riter Award
... goes to Sam, Vinu, MIP, Jane, Cindy
The Smart Kiddie Award - for my super super sweet hearts
... goes to Aayushi, Priya, Meghna, Samby, Vishesh
The Suppa-Wumman award 
... goes to Keshi, Cindy, Ani, Jane, Fali
Sweet-as-Sugar
... goes to Sam, Smaby, Gunj
OH WAIT WAIT... last but definitely not the least... The Devil Award
Goes to......................... MEEEEEEEEEEE... HU HU HA HA HA
THNK YOU THNK YOU THNK YOU
