Heart'n'Soul

It can be something as small as losing your favorite material thing and something as big as losing someone close to your heart. And amidst all of this, you and me often forget to acknowledge what we already have - things and people - that are such a coherent part of our life, just like our own skin - so perfectly blended with our own existence that it all seems like a part of us and not as some external entity.

And hence, more often that not, we tend to overlook, all that we really need to breathe. We may or may not take it all for granted, but we surely do not realize how important they are for us... until one day, when we lose something or someone.

Its then that we realize what we have lost... and that sometimes there is no looking back... cuz you will never be able to make them realize what they meant, no words you say will be heard, nothing you do can undo the events, worst still, you may never be able to say things that you wanted to.

Its been seven years now since I lost my best friend and its never been the same. I know some of the best people around and my closest buddies are my friends in the real sense of the word. But no one can ever fill the gap that’s been created. And so, I tend to hold on to my close friends with all my dear life - call it fear of losing them to the uncertain, call it ideology, call it anything - but I follow it like a strict rule. Friendship happens to be one of my most cherished values in life.

However, these very close friends of mine do not agree with it all the time. A very close friend of mine, recently complained about me not having enough self respect and letting another friend use me. I was advised to steer clear of that friend. But all I asked was, if you have some work, wont you ask your closest friend first to help you or depend on them to care for you??? So how is it that I was so called "USED"??? And all I said to her was that a friend is a friend, even with all his/her shortcomings... and I can’t let go of a friend just cuz they did something they should not have. She said it’s all ideal and sounds good to hear, but should be implemented only to a limit and only when the same is being reciprocated by the other person. She said that all relations are a give and take, and I am being Mother Teresa by acting foolish and hurting myself.

Maybe she is right. I know she cares, I know she is reading, I know she is one of the very few people who would actually say things as they are without putting any make up on top of it. And that’s why I’d rather talk to her than anyone else, cuz I like things black and white... doesn’t matter if most of them are black and if it hurts like crazy... but grey is not for me... it makes me sick both mentally n physically... so black is also good cuz its not grey.

But at the same time it is in direct conflict with my ideology of friendship. I do not discount the fact that I can’t be wrong or the fact that not everyone is alike and this particular person may not really be a great friend to have. However, the dilemma is - how do I decide what’s rite in this case? Do I follow my heart and be a friend despite all logic pointing in a totally opposite direction? Or do I follow my mind, which asks me to completely shun this person out of my life and don give a damn... cuz seems like this person clearly does not either.

We become friends with someone only when we know that we think we can trust that person and then we do exactly that - we trust them. And so did I. And then, it was broken under the pretext of friendship... now that also is in direct conflict of my idea of friendship!

In today's world where everything seems like a sham, trust has become a rare commodity... its very difficult to find someone to trust and its equally difficult to find someone who trusts you. So its obviously not just rare but valuable too. Or maybe not. Especially when its broken and assaulted by the very few people who you consider close to your heart.

Now all this jazzy shit aside, I wonder how one person starts believing or trusting the other. What is it that makes you trust someone? What is it that makes you accept that person without questioning their intentions?

Its like an extreme adventure sport, you don’t know what you are getting in to till you come out all fine, or otherwise for that matter. You expose the most vulnerable feelings, emotions, secrets and all that stuff - with full confidence in that person that it wont come back to haunt you. Unknowingly and unintentionally, you are gearing other people to take advantage of you... while you expect and believe that it wont happen.

Now why do we humans do that?? Like why do we believe that someone is good enough to be "THAT" person who will keep your trust safe and will not break it at the drop of a hat??

Neat - ain't it... like a vicious circle - unless u fall, u will not know if the person you "TRUST" will save you. But unless you trust someone, you wont try falling... and if that trust is broken, you will fall n hurt pretty effectively.

So when do you know that someone is not being a friend or depending on you as a friend, but is instead manipulating your trust in them? Where do you draw that line and say - till u don cross that line, I will not let my ego rise but beyond this line, its my self respect that I must save? Is there really something like a selfless friendship or is it just a myth... cuz then we all should stick only to people who care and love us back equally. NO???

AH!!! - I’ve hit another grey... n not liking it for sure!!!

This new year, I just wish to have enough strength to survive the fall and to never be the "puppy dog" that my other friend called me. (Although I love puppy dogs, only not everyone does).

God - if you exist - remind me not to trust just about anyone, cuz the risk is not worth it at all.

Have you ever done something that’s the right thing to do at that moment... impulsive or planned? Something that was exactly what you should have done. But turns out, there is nothing in life that you would regret more.

Have you ever let go of someone who meant the most to you but just did not feel right... friend/family/love... anyone. You had the strongest, most logical reason to part ways and so you did. And when you couldn’t find that person anymore around you, you realized how much you needed them... and you just never stop missing them, thinking about them and wondering if they think about you too. Even thought the right thing to do was let go, but if given a chance, you would not do it a second time.

I will make a confession today and say, I have done that in life. I let one of my closest friends... one of the people who gave me some of my best memories in life...walk away. And I am saddened to see that a lot of people are doing that too.

Just makes me think how stupid we humans can be. We invest our emotions, our love and our feelings in someone and then... we just let that person walk away in a fit of anger, disappointment, hurt... whatever the reason maybe. We forget all those small little things that made that person so special and those moments that we would cherish for life. We let them go and then once the anger, the resentment settles down... we suffer for the longest time ever. They move on, cuz you asked them to...but you stand there forever, looking at the footsteps they left behind. I swear I tried hard to make things fine, but I guess it was too late. You had gone too far... too far to hear my voice, to far to see me.

You can’t move forward, cuz there's no way there. You can’t follow them, cuz that's not right and you would reach no where in the end. And you can’t even go back. You know you will never see them or hear from them, that they are gone forever. And you are scared that you will forget the feeling of being with them, the way they sounded, the way they looked, the way they were with you... that you would forget the best of your memories without them. You are scared they will become just a faint memory, that they will become someone you know existed but cannot recall. And you are scared that you would lose whatever is left of them with you.

I am pretty sure that even if I did not take the decision I took, the things would still be the way they are today. We would still not be friends. You would still have found another excuse to do what you did.... cuz that’s how you wanted things to be. But I still so wish that the excuse wasn’t me... that maybe if it wasn’t me, then maybe it wouldn’t have been you either... that maybe we were still friends... I wish you had been more honest and I wish I was more patient. I can’t speak for you anymore, so I don’t know about the dishonesty bit on your part, but I do know bout my impatience and I wish I had held on a bit longer... just a wee bit longer. I wish I hadn't given up.

I'm sorry for the fight we had... I truly am. I still miss you... I still love you... I still trust you so much that though I know all your lies, my heart still doesn't believe any of it. I miss the friend, who understood my passion like no one else has ever been able to understand, not my family - not my best friend. And I know no-one ever will.

There are all kinds of mistakes, good - bad, big - small, others - ours... but there are some mistakes, some decisions we take - that we can neither forget and nor forgive ourselves for. And it’s always easier to live with someone else's mistake and forgive them, but not your own...specially the ones that give you a bruise for a lifetime. Cuz it kills you from within each day, cuz it’s your own guilt and you are responsible for making yourself suffer... cuz you can’t even complain... cuz you can’t play the blame game.

So when you feel like saying goodbye - be very careful and just remember - that some goodbyes are forever...

Well Well Well - US - the land of dreams. Here I come... with no specific dream and still dreaming of a something to change in my life... in a good way. I don know if this land of dreams can really fulfill my dreams cuz they r not about wealth, car, lifestyle or freedom. Nah. But then, I still got a month here and people who call this country the land of dreams must have a reason to do so. So till I am supposed to go back home, lets leave that question unanswered!

Anyway, till now all I have done is worry bout how n what I will do here to survive. Why? Cuz it’s totally opposite what we are. The electric switch goes the opposite way and so does the traffic. The language per say is not an issue but usage is. For example, thank you is a very important word... u reserve it for something huge... but you appreciate it if someone does something for you, even if it’s their job. Which is nice! Very nice I say. It’s nice to get acknowledged isn’t it? Also, problem means something huge. Rest are all issues. And I like that approach too. Cuz issues are really not big. And so, if the small problems in our day to day life become just mere issue... well then all good cuz thrs no PROBLEM...rite...LOL

Here, I have a nice room all to myself.... although its not home and it does get lonely but its a great place still...

The sky from this place is amazing and the moon is so close that it looks like I cud just grab it and hold it in my hands and then keep it all to myself...

Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh.

Josh leaned against his car, nervous as hell... waiting for Grace to come out of her office complex. His eyes constantly shifting between the exit gate and his watch. He felt the same anxiety every time he came to see her… Every time.

Moments later, Grace emerged from the gate. Smiling, as always. Grace, not just by name... but elegance personified. Something lit up inside him the moment he saw her walking towards him.

She came and hugged him "Hello Happiness!” planting a cheerful peck on his check.

Amused, he asked "Oh Wow! What was that for?"

Grace "Just like that!"

Josh "Oh Common, you never do that. Now out with it."

Grace looked at Josh, her grin widening "No really, for no reason."

Josh "No No No. There IS something, tell me... NOW"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Grace "Well! If you really want to know..."

Josh "Yeaaaah... I really want to know..."

Grace moved closer to him and murmured softly in his ear "I just had a fortune cookie" and handed over the fortune paper to him.

Josh looked at her surprised and mystified "So?"

Puzzled, he opened up the crumpled paper to read it. It said "Stop searching, happiness is just next to you."

He looked at her with all the love in his heart and smiled with all the warmth in his soul. He gently held her hand and locked her close to his heart, in a tender embrace.

In this moment, he knew that it was either her or no one.

In this moment, he did not know why and how... but he just knew.

In this moment, he knew he wanted to hold her, just like that, next to his heart... For Now and Forever.

"One more please" Josh signaled

"Sure sir" Bartender replied

Just then, from the corner of his eye, he saw a man leading his lady to the dance floor. A few moments later, another couple joined them. Before long, the dance floor was filled with couples only, holding each other close, smiling and gently moving to the sound of music.

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss ....

Josh suddenly became aware of the occasion. It was Valentines Day.

"Sir" the bartender interrupted "your drink"

Josh looked at his glass and smiled.

The world around him began to dissolve, melting into images from another time, another place as his eyes stared blankly in the thin air.

He turned around to face the dance floor.

She stood there in a vibrant pink blouse, a high cut black trousers and the black satin wrapped around her neck, contrasting and complimenting the white of her skin. Her face shimmering in the darkness, smiling generously at him.

He put down his glass and rushed towards her, with an urgency unknown to himself.

He took her hand tenderly and drew her close to himself, sweeping her across the dance floor.

"What?" Grace said, embarrassed and startled by his actions.

Josh put a finger on her lips "Shhhhh!!!"

Grace "But!"

Josh "Shhhh!!!"

Grace "Jo..!!"

Josh "Shhh!!! ...listen"

It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this ...

It was her favorite song. She looked at him and her eyes lit up.

He lifted her arms softly and put them around his neck. United in form and movement, they moved effortlessly to the symphony... elegance and style... like a dream...as if she was flying on a magic carpet in his arms.

Grace looked blankly at her desktop screensaver. The day had been exceptionally dull. It was just one of those days when nothing was right.

"You've got mail!" The screensaver disappeared jolting her back to reality.

"Sigh!!!" Another forward, she thought. But just when she was about to hit the delete button, she noticed the sender's name. Joshua Mackenzie.

She smiled in surprise. Josh never sent her any forwards. So why today? It was one of those mails which said that if you forward it you'll get a surprise in 15 min. She laughed in her head and forwarded it to a few friends as well as Josh.

"You've got mail", her PC speakers sang again in a symphony, exactly after 15 minutes.

It was Josh again. "Did you get the surprise?"

She was amused. Josh sat just two bays away, on the same work floor as her!

"No" She replied

"You've got mail!" She looked at the screen and almost burst out laughing.

The mail said - "Too bad, me neither! Time to go home. Wanna drop?"

She replied - "Ok"

She was more than glad to see Josh waiting for her in the parking. Grace's pet Tanny had delivered the pups just last night. She was completely drained. He could see the shadows of a long night on her face.

They had dinner in their favorite restaurant - The Golden Dragon - and the drudgeries of the day, all seemed to have disappeared in the conversation. It always worked - the restaurant, the tête-à-tête and the company – ALWAYS!

After the dinner, Josh drove quietly to her place, marveling at the warmth radiating from her soft, glowing skin as she spoke about Tanny's new borns.

Just before she opened the car door to leave, Josh said... "So, neither of us got the surprise yet?"

"I know!" Grace smiled at him

"Its not too late you know!" Josh said shifting his glance between her lips and her eyes a couple of times.

Grace looked at him and asked what it meant.

He slowly bent forward and brushed his nose and cheek along hers. Then, he gently pulled her chin towards his lips and allowed his lips to touch hers. He parted his lips slightly and pressed them tenderly over her lips. Grace closed her eyes and savored the most sensual moment of her life- the sensation of his lips on hers. So gentle and so loving, it made her insides melt.

For all the letters I wrote and can never send
For all the calls that will never get through
For all the conversations that we never had
For all the times I felt uncared for
For all the times I have been misunderstood
For all those nights that I have cried myself to sleep

I wish you were here to hold my hand and take me through this thing called life when I seem to have lost my way and can not fathom the truth. When I can not differentiate between what’s right and what’s wrong… cuz my thoughts are obscured by my emotions and my vision is blurred by my tears.

I wish you were here to end this nothingness, this overwhelming solitude. It’s a whirlwind of emotions inside but I still feel so numb...cuz I don’t have you to share it with.

I seem to have no answer anymore, cuz you my friend are never coming back. It’s been six years now, and I still can’t seem to come to terms with the loss. Something always feels amiss, a void that makes me feel empty inside.

Losing you and dealing with it has been one hell of a torture, one that will never end. I don’t think I will ever be able to completely recover from this loss and there will always be those moments when nothing will be enough...just like today!

And I still try to smile, cuz you wanted me to. I still try believing in people, cuz you asked me to.

You have taught me how to be a friend in true sense of the word... How to never take anyone for granted...How to care unconditionally...How to be there always...How to be trustworthy... But there’s is one thing that you did not teach me - how to be without you. How to care about myself cuz I never had to and cuz no one else seems to care enough.

And so, I miss the hug that used to make me feel like I am the most precious person on this earth. I miss that smile that acted like sunshine every time my life was shadowed by the dark gloomy clouds. I miss my strongest shoulder to cry on and the warmth that told me that there is someone who will always love me and need me. I miss those pep talks that made me believe that nothing can ever go wrong,

And you know what Kev...till you went; nothing ever went wrong...And since you have left, nothing has ever been right. I miss you a lot and I always will. And as much as I know I can’t do anything to get you back, I would do anything to see you just one more time.

Love Always
D