Heart'n'Soul

Innocence and trust have no value these days - do they?
I am questioning myself and answering at the same time
No - it surely does not!!!

But it is a little extreme when people will do things going all out of their way to make you trust them only with a plan to break it. OUCH! It hurts a lot. Especially when you have to literally pay a bomb for it, like an atom bomb worth of real money. Till today it had never been a concern for me. I have never valued money over people or over general state of being sane. I would rather spend money and not bother about it then being in a mentally disturbed or depressed state - be it myself or someone I know - money was never above people. And hold on - I am not talking about the usual shopping and chocolate indulgence women use for mood lift! I am talking about travelling with friends, catching up with an old friend even if thy are in a different city, Making loooooong calls, joining a class, going for a drive - cuz they need it or cuz i need it- things which are decently expensive to not so expensive but keep my or my friend's general happiness in day to day life intact and hence help us being sane.

This time around though, even that hasn’t help, even though I am totally bankrupt now.... I don’t know what to believe - that money is important, cuz I suddenly have none or that mental sanity is still more important, which doesn’t prevail right now since I don’t seem to comprehend till date what happened and why and of course how even with all my money gone, I am actually more distressed! Yeah I am worried about my bank balance for a change!!!!

And it’s not just that – it’s also about people. What do I do? Do I stop believing and trusting in people? To not believe anyone who I meet and question even people who I think as good friends? Cuz people who did what they did were also supposedly good friends!!! SO if I am duh and naive enough to not being able to judge people well, then how do I know that the people I trust are actually trustworthy? So do I just suddenly start disbelieving and doubting everyone, cuz people change and will obviously never tell you what they really have in mind!!!

At the same time there are people who have been there for me pretty much... Abhi, Sud, Nicks, Mads, Surs, Fali, Arjun.... and they are not acquaintances; they are not someone I happened to know... they are people I can rely on... But weren’t they also acquaintances once... its because I thot of them as potential good friends that I talked to them and then as great people that is why they became close friends. So if I stop believing, I won’t meet more people like these and will completely cut myself from any potential goodness left in the world!

I don’t know, this is all so confusing. I don’t have it in myself to look forward to meeting new people anymore. I am done with that nonsense. I think I am too old to meet new people and get stuck in some more bullshit just cuz even at this age I tend to trust people. I should not. I WILL NOT I RESOLVE!

SO yeah trust is overrated and I seemed to have discoverd it the hard way. There is no value to it. We can trust someone as much as we want and they will still screw it from all sides possible. Sometimes even if they have proven other wise... So just like each day is new, the equation that we have with other people is also renewed. Today they maybe extremely trustworthy and tomorrow the bang opposite. We will never see the other side of a person, the ugly one more often than not, till they chose us the lucky winner. And in my case I seem to be winning that a lot these days.

What to do such is the breed called Homo sapiens! And I am too black and white to deal with it, so as usual I shall deem it all black and I am outta it...

And for that thing called trust, here are my last words to you:-

Dear Trust

Well I shall hope to see you sometime, it was good to know you but extinction is quite a hazard. I know I have used you too much and have completely spent you on silliest of people and I know I run the risk of not trusting someone worthy anymore, but oh what the hell!!! Being proven wrong this time around would actually be a super delight as compared to the other way round as a practice and being let down by everyone. Goodbye trust.

Will try dealing with your half sister called expectations the same way and hopefully say the same to her soon

Till then.. Whatever!
Div

Labels: Belief, Faith, goodbye, hope, hurt, introspect, Life, people, Questions, random, think, trust

Labels: goodbye, Heart break, letter, Letting go, Love, memories, message broken heart, Missing you, romance

Have you ever done something that’s the right thing to do at that moment... impulsive or planned? Something that was exactly what you should have done. But turns out, there is nothing in life that you would regret more.

Have you ever let go of someone who meant the most to you but just did not feel right... friend/family/love... anyone. You had the strongest, most logical reason to part ways and so you did. And when you couldn’t find that person anymore around you, you realized how much you needed them... and you just never stop missing them, thinking about them and wondering if they think about you too. Even thought the right thing to do was let go, but if given a chance, you would not do it a second time.

I will make a confession today and say, I have done that in life. I let one of my closest friends... one of the people who gave me some of my best memories in life...walk away. And I am saddened to see that a lot of people are doing that too.

Just makes me think how stupid we humans can be. We invest our emotions, our love and our feelings in someone and then... we just let that person walk away in a fit of anger, disappointment, hurt... whatever the reason maybe. We forget all those small little things that made that person so special and those moments that we would cherish for life. We let them go and then once the anger, the resentment settles down... we suffer for the longest time ever. They move on, cuz you asked them to...but you stand there forever, looking at the footsteps they left behind. I swear I tried hard to make things fine, but I guess it was too late. You had gone too far... too far to hear my voice, to far to see me.

You can’t move forward, cuz there's no way there. You can’t follow them, cuz that's not right and you would reach no where in the end. And you can’t even go back. You know you will never see them or hear from them, that they are gone forever. And you are scared that you will forget the feeling of being with them, the way they sounded, the way they looked, the way they were with you... that you would forget the best of your memories without them. You are scared they will become just a faint memory, that they will become someone you know existed but cannot recall. And you are scared that you would lose whatever is left of them with you.

I am pretty sure that even if I did not take the decision I took, the things would still be the way they are today. We would still not be friends. You would still have found another excuse to do what you did.... cuz that’s how you wanted things to be. But I still so wish that the excuse wasn’t me... that maybe if it wasn’t me, then maybe it wouldn’t have been you either... that maybe we were still friends... I wish you had been more honest and I wish I was more patient. I can’t speak for you anymore, so I don’t know about the dishonesty bit on your part, but I do know bout my impatience and I wish I had held on a bit longer... just a wee bit longer. I wish I hadn't given up.

I'm sorry for the fight we had... I truly am. I still miss you... I still love you... I still trust you so much that though I know all your lies, my heart still doesn't believe any of it. I miss the friend, who understood my passion like no one else has ever been able to understand, not my family - not my best friend. And I know no-one ever will.

There are all kinds of mistakes, good - bad, big - small, others - ours... but there are some mistakes, some decisions we take - that we can neither forget and nor forgive ourselves for. And it’s always easier to live with someone else's mistake and forgive them, but not your own...specially the ones that give you a bruise for a lifetime. Cuz it kills you from within each day, cuz it’s your own guilt and you are responsible for making yourself suffer... cuz you can’t even complain... cuz you can’t play the blame game.

So when you feel like saying goodbye - be very careful and just remember - that some goodbyes are forever...

Labels: broken heart, goodbye, Heart break, hurt, introspect, Letting go, Life, memories, Missing you