Thursday, October 30, 2008
THAT THING CALLED LOVE
Love is about reaching out and putting a smile on others face.
Love is the fondness, the attachment that you feel - the one that tells you that you will never let go.
Love is when you FEEL beautiful.
Love is when nothing is complete without that one person - that special someone
Love is when every kiss feels like the first kiss.
And god forbid if its Tales - well then the whole world seems to fall apart.
Your heart n your head declare the third world war against each other.
You don't just feel like trash but your minds stinks like it too.
You feel lonely even if you are standing in the middle of the Dalal Street
It feels like someone has sucked life out of you and you live like a programmed robotic creature - feels like the purpose of your life is over.
Life becomes a puzzle - where some pieces don't fit and the other's just go missing
When your tears run dry, but the pain does not.
Days are longer and time starts to crawl.
And all you feel is NUMB.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
With Loads of Love
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Over and Out
Just about a year back, a really really close friend of mine tried hard to make me understand that my happiness depends totally on my frame of mind. And as much as it may be regulated by external factors, the strength to overcome it lies inside me. The strength that comes from realizing and accepting the fact that as much as we may believe that we have our life under control, we don’t; that we are not responsible for everything that happens in our life - both good and bad; that there are things beyond your capability, control or obligations.
But the stubborn ass that I am, I just refused to agree and continuously kept hurting myself by blaming myself for everything that went wrong, running after the whys and the hows. I kept running after finding proof for something that I already knew by logic but my heart wouldn’t believe. In the end, when I had ample proof to justify my logic, it was already too late to get back everything I had lost in that process.
And so, I learnt that the best we can do under these conditions is to Let Go.
It’s not an easy task. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things to do. But it’s surely the most liberating. It took me the worst 2 years of my life till date to realize it but it’s also been the most enriching experience. It’s made me more humane than ever. Its made me more forgiving and non-judgmental than ever before since I now understand that just like me, everyone else is equally powerless and has no control over the ever changing situations and the people amidst those situations.
Why am I suddenly talking about this? cuz I am standing at yet another personal crossroad in my life where I must let go of someone, someone really close to my heart, someone I love a lot, someone I genuinely care about, someone who means the world to me, someone I'd do anything for. Someone who I have tried letting go of but just like Phoebe said to Monica, that person clawed the way back.
But it’s also someone who doesn’t care, someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t even try to see the other side, someone to whom I mean nothing. Someone who’s never been there for me. Someone who’s all talk and no cock. And hence it’s in my best interest to let go.
And so, I must practice myself - what I have learnt and what I preach.
I don’t think that person will be reading it ever, but all I want to tell that person is that am not even sorry anymore... I can’t go on like this; I don not want to suffer anymore. I don’t blame you cuz you are who you are and there are so many things that are not under your control either. Cuz I know that you are not heartless and its not that you are a bad person, it’s just that it’s not in your heart for me. And unfortunately I am not the “Waiting” and the “Chasing” kind.
I don want to waste my energy on blaming you or myself or the situation, I just want to make the most of myself and my life. And so, I NEED to let go, I MUST let go. I can not have all I want, custom made to my desire, so I'd rather enjoy what I have and who I am.
Its not that I don’t cherish you, I really do. It’s just that I'd rather cherish myself too. Its not that I don’t have it in me to give my all to you. It’s just that I've already given too much and now I'd rather save the rest of it for myself than go bankrupt. Its not about how much I love you, it’s just about how I love myself too.
Cuz letting go is not about denying, but about accepting things as they are. And so I must.
At the same time my heart pulls me in a totally opposite direction. Cuz it’s like throwing away a piece of my heart, and probably the most treasured and the most important one. It asks me to stick on and stay and so I know its not going to be simple. It’s certainly going to be painful and demanding. Cuz it’s not going to be me. Cuz the affection I feel still pulls me to you. Cuz I am just too fond of you to not care anymore. And the way I am - Friendship is something I don’t let go of easily, just like that.
But like I expressed once earlier as well in a post - sometimes in order to be yourself, you have to stop being yourself. So as much as I don’t want to, I must say - OVER AND OUT - and my heart shall say it soon too.
The song that my heart’s humming currently is Almost by Mark Wills and here is how it goes:
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I, didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
Almost doesn't count
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Almost doesn't count
I can't keep lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for
Gotta find somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no-doubt to be-there kind
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya 'round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
For Now And Forever - II
Josh strolled silently towards the river. He could hear the water flow.... dancing to its own rhythm, flowing like an elegant performer, reflecting turbulence and tranquility in tandem.
He spread a sheet right next to THE tree, alongside the river shore and cozied it up with a warm blanket. He lay there staring blankly at the sky, seeking something, without blinking. He closed his eyes for a while, trying to recall what he was searching for, trying to capture what it was that felt amiss.
He opened his eyes to a dark night sky with a thin crescent moon. It was clear and sparkling with stars, exactly what he wanted. He smiled and closed his eyes again trying to go through his plan once again.
She looked at him mystified and asked him "And why are we here?”
They used to come there often but NEVER in the middle of the night. Unlike every weekend that they spent together catching up on movies, talking, driving, backpacking, trekking, cooking, kissing, cuddling and making love... this time he chose to drive her to the place where they had met for the first time. This was exactly where Tanny, her 10 months old pug, was rescued from drowning in the river by a handsome stranger - now her best friend and her perfect mate too.
He smiled at her. "Come here! Sit down and wait"
She quietly sat next to him speculating why he was being so secretive. It was so unlike him.
Just then, the spark in her tangential view took her completely by surprise.
"There!" she shouted, gesturing so swiftly that her head nearly hit the tree.
A band of luminous white glow shot overhead and vanished, so ephemeral that it seemed scarcely an afterimage on his eyes.
A second meteor emerged in the sky - like a line drawn with fire, uncanny in its absolute silence. "Another!" she pointed in amazement.
That is when she realized that it was a meteor-shower night. Soon the stars were flying their magic dust across the black sky. It looked like as if golden and silver water sprays were cascading downwards from far away in the sky leaving a trail of sparks. The sky looked like a gallery of bright flash bulbs falling one by one as silver stars wriggled and swam away from the sky in a silent mesmeric dance.
He knew this was the moment and so right under the spectacular celestial light, he held her hand and said "Grace, I love you"
She looked at him as hot tears rolled down her cheeks, wetting the collar of his shirt. She knew what she wanted to say but she did not expect her dream to realize so soon. It all seemed like a reverie, an illusion... she was at loss of words. She felt like she was in a trance. A thousand thoughts ran through her head in that one second and she stood there perplexed with her tears flooding her eyes.
Standing up and gathering her sobbing body into his arms Josh said "Sugar, I just want you... right here... just like this... next to me always!" He caressed her cheeks, wiping her tears away. “I love you honey, I really do"
The warmth in his words melted all her fears away and she laid her head on his chest, pressing her head into the crook of his neck. He enveloped her in his arms without more ado and placed a soft kiss on her delicate cheek, entwining his hands into his soft brown hair. He smiled and said "Oh now look what you did to my Gracy! You smudged all her kohl... not fair"
She smiled softly up at him "Josh… I love you too!"
…and they lay their watching the cosmic down pour in its full glory.
He opened his eyes again; he had found what he was searching for. It was this moment that he wanted to relive - the most precious moment of his life – the most cherished and the most haunting. He had never felt so much love in all his life.
His vision blurred as he lay there reliving the most joyous moment of his life once more - sans Grace, sans love – but the down pour deep inside his heart.
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Thoughts galore, myriad...
No tire to stop it,
No weariness to fade...
Unstoppable is it?
Query myself I...
Unnerving it is but,
My emotions belie...
Going through these motions,
These pangs of introspect...
Making me look back,
Etched, pictorial memories,
& those uncapturable moments at play...
Rewind / fast fwd in my head,
& dusk dawns on another day.
PS: this is Guest Post… my dear friend AJ has written this one and would like you to suggest a nice Title for this one. And well, the winner shall be posted along with my next post… This is his first blog post ever and I am already lurrrrving it!!! Send in your comments and AJ says he will reply to it :)