Thursday, October 14, 2010
Stranger in the making - II
And still, when some thing new came along, we were more than eager to explore it and try, even though our parents insisted AGAIN that it can be harmful. Ignorance being our excuse, we would still go ahead with it.
But I believe there was a bigger factor there. This was our unadulterated trust in the hands that cradled us to sleep and wrapped them around us every time something went wrong. We knew no matter what happens, they will be there to hold us and make things fine. Fear was not a consideration.
I was born in December and apparently it was a good cold year. Luxury was not a consideration in my house then. One room is all we had and that was certainly more than enough for all three of us. And later on when my sis was born, even for all four of us. But despite that, I had the finest and the most luxurious sleep all the time. My dad would put me on his arm and then wrap his arm on his chest. I would sleep just fine, actually perfect, all night long... while my dad probably was uncomfortable being in that position. And the next day he would do the same again.
I was obviously never bothered about cold and how I would sleep. I was so loved that I wasn’t even allowed to feel the cold. And that's why I trusted completely.
BUT THEN I GREW UP
My world now comprises of not just my mom and dad but many more.
Not so long back, or at least that’s how it seems. I used to be this open, friendly, trusting person who would let in people in her life easily. Make friends and let them be. I am still friendly, open and trusting. But the fact that there is even that little space to fit in the doubt, the fear - takes away from the joy and happiness that life and people can give us. Because my ability to trust people completely, with anything and everything, has gone to hibernation... maybe I have even lost it.
Unlike the childhood, the fear has set in because my world has grown from just the two beautiful people and their loving hearts to a huge word of randomness filled with too much of deceit, lies and hatred. I am not unaffected either. I have learnt to lie, to fear, to lock people out and to dislike and even hate them.
And so, now when I have an opportunity to meet someone new or do something new. More often than not - I won’t. I am too scared of the unknown. In any case; life is unpredictable and no one knows the answer to what next so why add another dimension of "NOT KNOWING" to it. It’s just that place I fear. "New" scares me because it doesn’t come with an assurance of being good.
The winter is setting in again. This time on who I am. The cozy feeling which I get from the love and care of family and friends around is just enough to keep me going and yet not enough to keep me comfortably warm. I wonder sometimes if it ever will be.
The stranger doesn’t say anything, just quietly stays next to me. Like a shadow that never leaves me and yet is the most discomforting factor of life right now.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Stranger in the making - I
Like all parents, I was advised to steer clear of strangers, especially in my parent's absence. But they were worried that some day some stranger might fool me and kidnap me - not on context of buying me a chocolate - but simply by just being nice to me, since I was always a friendly child - trusting with my heart and not the head.
The head never really got a chance. The heart always ruled. Love always flowed. Everyone cared, everyone was loving, everyone was nice. Mom and dad scolded me at times, I threw tantrums too. But life was still beautiful - everything and everyone I needed was just across the corner.
BUT THEN I GREW UP...
I have the best people in my life still - my family and friends. I probably even have more in life than I did when I was a child. And yet everything feels incomplete.
There is still the same love, care, concern I get from these people and yet its not enough. I am still friendly, open and honest but its not the same.
The head has started to show prominence. And for some reason it never seems to agree with the heart. And it is not a comfortable change, because its not who I am. I feel suffocated by this wall this head is slowly building around me. I do not see any windows, nor do I see any doors.
Just enough space for my head to breathe and just a tad bit less than what my heart needs to survive.
That is certainly not what I was born as and designed to be. There is a Stranger in the making. And with who I have become, a stranger hanging around me all the time is surely not a comforting thought.
PS: This is my attempt at starting a new series on how and what life changes as we grow up, trying to recollect and put in words some beautiful childhood memories and some life changing experiences. Hoping that soon the stranger would become a friend too!
Friday, October 1, 2010
For Now and Forever - VIII
Josh lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. The ruins of his world that had crashed long ago had now been reduced to dust.
He opened the drawer of his bed side table and took out a letter -old, opened and folded a multiple times but yet not torn.
He unfolded it once again and began reading…
You are just another name and just another person for some… but for me – the best and the worst part of my life.
You gave me the four most beautiful years of my life filled with joy of our love, and happiness that knew no bounds. And now the most traumatic time of my life… parting with you and it just doesn’t seem to end…
I don know where we lost it or was it just me? Suddenly everything looks like a farce… everything, everyone, every moment. Did you never understand me, did you never trust me or did you simply never love me?
But then what about all those special moments we spent together… our first kiss, our first dance, our first valentine day, our short trips, those long drives, the way you held my hand, the way you would cry every time I left, our silly fights, how you were always there when I got my honors, how your eyes sparkled when it rained… I remember everything as clearly as if it was just yesterday… every single thing. How you would always wear a T Shirt inside your shirt cuz u thought u were too thin, Your silly dance on the new joinee party, your ankle sprain during your only basket basketball match, your stories bout your nephew, how you ran away from the hospital when your sister was in labor, how your denims looked like they were about to fall, how your spectacles were never straight… the way you would look at me every time I was sad, how you would never drive above 50 miles/hr...And so much more...
And after all this… while I was still regretting having fought with you and wondering how to make things work and make them better... you told ME that you wish you were never with me and that you wish you were always with him. Did I never mean anything to you?
As much as I want to, I can’t even cry. The imprints of your face have been carved in my eyes forever. I fear it will wash away if I cry. But it’s only so hard not to cry, cuz it’s you I am talking about. Cuz it’s you I miss. It’s you that I have lost... irreplaceable forever. Cuz when you walked out on me, you didn’t just take a part of my life and a part of my heart with you but you also took a part of me with you.
And since that day, that place is just empty. Not even a single day has gone by when I do not wish to be with you. I still remember the day you left and every time I think about it, I wish I could ask for just a few more moments, few more days, few more years... a lifetime.
Only if I could have my way, just once. Or maybe it’s just too much to ask for.
Still loving you forever
He folded the letter neatly and held it in his hands while a lone tear trickled down from the corner of his eye, sinking to the floor silently. Josh stared at the tear drop resting on the floor unperturbed, yet futile and ineffective. He got up and walked to the fire place and placed the letter in the middle of the flames.
He stood there watching the letter burn, just like his dreams, his wishes – some went up in the flames, some reduced to ashes.
The life had come full circle, just like their song... the Josh and Grace Song.
Desperate for changing...
Starving for truth ...
I'm closer to where I started...
Chasing after you...
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle