Heart'n'Soul

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Stranger in the making - II

When we were all babies, our parents would tell us all the time to not touch the hot bottle, or electric plugs, or not to eat and chew on our toys as it’s harmful. And yet, the first thing we did when they were not looking is do exactly what they asked us not to do. We burnt our hand and cried. We got an electric shock and cried. We swallowed funny things and cried bloody murder.

And still, when some thing new came along, we were more than eager to explore it and try, even though our parents insisted AGAIN that it can be harmful. Ignorance being our excuse, we would still go ahead with it.

But I believe there was a bigger factor there. This was our unadulterated trust in the hands that cradled us to sleep and wrapped them around us every time something went wrong. We knew no matter what happens, they will be there to hold us and make things fine. Fear was not a consideration.

I was born in December and apparently it was a good cold year. Luxury was not a consideration in my house then. One room is all we had and that was certainly more than enough for all three of us. And later on when my sis was born, even for all four of us. But despite that, I had the finest and the most luxurious sleep all the time. My dad would put me on his arm and then wrap his arm on his chest. I would sleep just fine, actually perfect, all night long... while my dad probably was uncomfortable being in that position. And the next day he would do the same again.



I was obviously never bothered about cold and how I would sleep. I was so loved that I wasn’t even allowed to feel the cold. And that's why I trusted completely.

BUT THEN I GREW UP

My world now comprises of not just my mom and dad but many more.

Not so long back, or at least that’s how it seems. I used to be this open, friendly, trusting person who would let in people in her life easily. Make friends and let them be. I am still friendly, open and trusting. But the fact that there is even that little space to fit in the doubt, the fear - takes away from the joy and happiness that life and people can give us. Because my ability to trust people completely, with anything and everything, has gone to hibernation... maybe I have even lost it.

Unlike the childhood, the fear has set in because my world has grown from just the two beautiful people and their loving hearts to a huge word of randomness filled with too much of deceit, lies and hatred. I am not unaffected either. I have learnt to lie, to fear, to lock people out and to dislike and even hate them.

And so, now when I have an opportunity to meet someone new or do something new. More often than not - I won’t. I am too scared of the unknown. In any case; life is unpredictable and no one knows the answer to what next so why add another dimension of "NOT KNOWING" to it. It’s just that place I fear. "New" scares me because it doesn’t come with an assurance of being good.

The winter is setting in again. This time on who I am. The cozy feeling which I get from the love and care of family and friends around is just enough to keep me going and yet not enough to keep me comfortably warm. I wonder sometimes if it ever will be.


The stranger doesn’t say anything, just quietly stays next to me. Like a shadow that never leaves me and yet is the most discomforting factor of life right now.

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posted by Heart'n'Soul at 1:10 PM

6 Comments:

Sometimes Bird in bush is more interesting than one in your hand..

But just SOMETIMES .. It's on us to decide whether it is worth a risk or not. For me ans is still yes. :)

October 18, 2010 at 11:24 AM  

I'm de polar opposite--> i just trust nethyn n ne1. like cd above, i think it's worth the risk :)

October 18, 2010 at 7:06 PM  

Best wishes for Diwali and Gurpurab... :) :)

Samby.

November 6, 2010 at 8:03 PM  

When you are cold, you breathe in the cold air, smile, rub your palms and wrap your arms around yourself and feel content. You have YOU. Who else do we really need?

December 14, 2010 at 8:05 AM  

mr.alive

trust is such a big word, tough to use it in present tense. rather its better suits associacions/acquaintances of past or future, in both cases, only in negative fashion. inshort, its better if not talked about, even better if its not directly realized to someone who can misuse it.

just imagine a warrior in a battlefield. he will certainly have his weapon in his right hand, which can win him the greatest of wars with enemies fearing its potential and its knowledge of great importance to them, and his shield in his left, which might not be able to win a war but assures safety from the strongest of strokes and is of great importance to him. courage is the weapon and trust is the shield when div faces this wild wild world.

we aware of div's weapon's potential, hope her shield never breaks.

January 18, 2011 at 4:47 PM  

I could feel the depth of the warmth, the bond and the love of your family towards you. Such a meticulous touch and expression here. I enjoy reading this.

The mystery of life is always hidden from us. When we wriggle our way out from the cocoon into this wild wide world, everything appears new. Not all whom we perceive as bad are bad, and not all whom we perceive to be good, are good. The world goes around creating polarities in everything we come across. As our experience in life widens, the pleasantness of life and pain of sorrow too deepens. More often, the painful memories remain ever strongly etched within us, which gradually spurs the element of suspicion from within and TRUST become obscured, and the vicious insecure feelings set in. This process is an ongoing process, and it creates the 'stranger' within us at every station of life. The fear should not be allowed to lurk long, beat it and march on. Things happen in cyclic process, we may repeat our experiences again and again. Take the best, for the TRUST must dawn to avoid constricted emotions.Kick the fear the soonest you can. The longer it dwells, the longer the stranger remains.

February 24, 2011 at 9:40 PM  

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