Thursday, October 14, 2010
Stranger in the making - II
And still, when some thing new came along, we were more than eager to explore it and try, even though our parents insisted AGAIN that it can be harmful. Ignorance being our excuse, we would still go ahead with it.
But I believe there was a bigger factor there. This was our unadulterated trust in the hands that cradled us to sleep and wrapped them around us every time something went wrong. We knew no matter what happens, they will be there to hold us and make things fine. Fear was not a consideration.
I was born in December and apparently it was a good cold year. Luxury was not a consideration in my house then. One room is all we had and that was certainly more than enough for all three of us. And later on when my sis was born, even for all four of us. But despite that, I had the finest and the most luxurious sleep all the time. My dad would put me on his arm and then wrap his arm on his chest. I would sleep just fine, actually perfect, all night long... while my dad probably was uncomfortable being in that position. And the next day he would do the same again.
I was obviously never bothered about cold and how I would sleep. I was so loved that I wasn’t even allowed to feel the cold. And that's why I trusted completely.
BUT THEN I GREW UP
My world now comprises of not just my mom and dad but many more.
Not so long back, or at least that’s how it seems. I used to be this open, friendly, trusting person who would let in people in her life easily. Make friends and let them be. I am still friendly, open and trusting. But the fact that there is even that little space to fit in the doubt, the fear - takes away from the joy and happiness that life and people can give us. Because my ability to trust people completely, with anything and everything, has gone to hibernation... maybe I have even lost it.
Unlike the childhood, the fear has set in because my world has grown from just the two beautiful people and their loving hearts to a huge word of randomness filled with too much of deceit, lies and hatred. I am not unaffected either. I have learnt to lie, to fear, to lock people out and to dislike and even hate them.
And so, now when I have an opportunity to meet someone new or do something new. More often than not - I won’t. I am too scared of the unknown. In any case; life is unpredictable and no one knows the answer to what next so why add another dimension of "NOT KNOWING" to it. It’s just that place I fear. "New" scares me because it doesn’t come with an assurance of being good.
The winter is setting in again. This time on who I am. The cozy feeling which I get from the love and care of family and friends around is just enough to keep me going and yet not enough to keep me comfortably warm. I wonder sometimes if it ever will be.
The stranger doesn’t say anything, just quietly stays next to me. Like a shadow that never leaves me and yet is the most discomforting factor of life right now.