Heart'n'Soul

It can be something as small as losing your favorite material thing and something as big as losing someone close to your heart. And amidst all of this, you and me often forget to acknowledge what we already have - things and people - that are such a coherent part of our life, just like our own skin - so perfectly blended with our own existence that it all seems like a part of us and not as some external entity.

And hence, more often that not, we tend to overlook, all that we really need to breathe. We may or may not take it all for granted, but we surely do not realize how important they are for us... until one day, when we lose something or someone.

Its then that we realize what we have lost... and that sometimes there is no looking back... cuz you will never be able to make them realize what they meant, no words you say will be heard, nothing you do can undo the events, worst still, you may never be able to say things that you wanted to.

Its been seven years now since I lost my best friend and its never been the same. I know some of the best people around and my closest buddies are my friends in the real sense of the word. But no one can ever fill the gap that’s been created. And so, I tend to hold on to my close friends with all my dear life - call it fear of losing them to the uncertain, call it ideology, call it anything - but I follow it like a strict rule. Friendship happens to be one of my most cherished values in life.

However, these very close friends of mine do not agree with it all the time. A very close friend of mine, recently complained about me not having enough self respect and letting another friend use me. I was advised to steer clear of that friend. But all I asked was, if you have some work, wont you ask your closest friend first to help you or depend on them to care for you??? So how is it that I was so called "USED"??? And all I said to her was that a friend is a friend, even with all his/her shortcomings... and I can’t let go of a friend just cuz they did something they should not have. She said it’s all ideal and sounds good to hear, but should be implemented only to a limit and only when the same is being reciprocated by the other person. She said that all relations are a give and take, and I am being Mother Teresa by acting foolish and hurting myself.

Maybe she is right. I know she cares, I know she is reading, I know she is one of the very few people who would actually say things as they are without putting any make up on top of it. And that’s why I’d rather talk to her than anyone else, cuz I like things black and white... doesn’t matter if most of them are black and if it hurts like crazy... but grey is not for me... it makes me sick both mentally n physically... so black is also good cuz its not grey.

But at the same time it is in direct conflict with my ideology of friendship. I do not discount the fact that I can’t be wrong or the fact that not everyone is alike and this particular person may not really be a great friend to have. However, the dilemma is - how do I decide what’s rite in this case? Do I follow my heart and be a friend despite all logic pointing in a totally opposite direction? Or do I follow my mind, which asks me to completely shun this person out of my life and don give a damn... cuz seems like this person clearly does not either.

We become friends with someone only when we know that we think we can trust that person and then we do exactly that - we trust them. And so did I. And then, it was broken under the pretext of friendship... now that also is in direct conflict of my idea of friendship!

In today's world where everything seems like a sham, trust has become a rare commodity... its very difficult to find someone to trust and its equally difficult to find someone who trusts you. So its obviously not just rare but valuable too. Or maybe not. Especially when its broken and assaulted by the very few people who you consider close to your heart.

Now all this jazzy shit aside, I wonder how one person starts believing or trusting the other. What is it that makes you trust someone? What is it that makes you accept that person without questioning their intentions?

Its like an extreme adventure sport, you don’t know what you are getting in to till you come out all fine, or otherwise for that matter. You expose the most vulnerable feelings, emotions, secrets and all that stuff - with full confidence in that person that it wont come back to haunt you. Unknowingly and unintentionally, you are gearing other people to take advantage of you... while you expect and believe that it wont happen.

Now why do we humans do that?? Like why do we believe that someone is good enough to be "THAT" person who will keep your trust safe and will not break it at the drop of a hat??

Neat - ain't it... like a vicious circle - unless u fall, u will not know if the person you "TRUST" will save you. But unless you trust someone, you wont try falling... and if that trust is broken, you will fall n hurt pretty effectively.

So when do you know that someone is not being a friend or depending on you as a friend, but is instead manipulating your trust in them? Where do you draw that line and say - till u don cross that line, I will not let my ego rise but beyond this line, its my self respect that I must save? Is there really something like a selfless friendship or is it just a myth... cuz then we all should stick only to people who care and love us back equally. NO???

AH!!! - I’ve hit another grey... n not liking it for sure!!!

This new year, I just wish to have enough strength to survive the fall and to never be the "puppy dog" that my other friend called me. (Although I love puppy dogs, only not everyone does).

God - if you exist - remind me not to trust just about anyone, cuz the risk is not worth it at all.