Heart'n'Soul
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thunder From Down Under - II
Hellos again... still from Colombo - And I cant help but mention that its still the thunder from down under.... sorry but really cant help!!!
Anyway, it’s been 3 weeks almost here and I have made some little progress in adjusting to the day to day activities and the social life here. It obviously can’t be the same as Delhi but its better here now w.r.t the initial week.
But I still do miss Mom, Dad, Chan, Abhi, Priyanka and Shombe a lot. Especially cuz I had spent so much time with all of them just before coming here. Was pretty much with them 24 hrs or so given my health issue. And now I haven’t even seen them in 3 weeks. Doesn’t feel right AT ALL!
It feels so funnily weird... like Shombe got full marks in his test and I should be giving him chocolates. We discussed it - thanks to the mobile - but I can’t do it like rite now. I wanna give him a huge hug (which he wud run away from making a face) and tell him how happy and proud I am! And I wish you were around - I miss our "watch a kiddies movie, eat at McDs and play at amoeba" outings. I miss being a kid cuz I can do that only with you.
Then here, I have to get up real early most mornings to make myself breakfast cuz I need to take the meds. And I can’t help but think that mom used to do that for me every single day. And not just this, when I was unwell she wud make special food and feed me too. She would prepare juice, khichdi and be ready with my meds on time. I feel so useless without her. A mother's love is really precious. Sometimes I would get all irritated and over burdened by her care but now... without her, I feel so unloved and uncared for. Like no one cares enough. She calls everyday and knows stuff even before I say anything. The day I went to the doc here for general consultation on my cough, she sent me a message saying hope u r fine and don’t have fever. I was amazed... totally surprised, rather shocked to see the sms. I mean, how did SHE know???? I think there's just something special about these people we call Mother.... Miss u mom, and love u so very much, wish u cud read this.
Dad - love u equally and miss you equally... life wudnt be even half as much fun and positive if you weren’t you... I miss your pranks, leg pulling, the fights for the TV couch, and especially your optimistic attitude. I guess I get my positivity from you... actually I am sure! On most days I would find those things irritating but that’s just cuz its fun to be bullied by you like a big brother and then try snatching the remote from you or sitting in your chair when u get up and then fight about that too. Totally love you :) MUAH
From here, I can’t see and admire Priyanka's new phone - BB Curve. This comes with a wink especially for Priyanka!!! No Chinese dinners, no soups floating in front of our eyes, no shopping at GIP - NOT EVEN WINDOW SHOPPING :( - and no movies... the girl talk we still manage :) I miss her chocolate shake so much!!! And the daily dose of - "you better sleep on time" ....lolz
And Abhi... well he’s busy at the client site too - so we hardly get to talk... not like he talked much anyways, but it used to be good enough to see his face like 2-3 times a week and bug him with my leg pulling.... and him getting back at me for that not instantly but some time later.... Abhi, this is probably one of the very few times that you will catch me saying this so be happy that I am accepting publically that you are not such a bad guy - lol. You are queer but yet so lovable!
I miss Chan, Sud and Fali too... but I guess not as much as others cuz we were mostly in touch thru the phone and email, and that we still are. Only fali and me both have more work these days so when I call she’s busy and when she calls I am busy... just bad timing I guess!
Someone asked me how am I such a friendly and loving person... while typing this today, it struck me - its cuz I have so much love around me, its flowing into my life with each of these people in their unique way. Thanks and Love you all!
Anyway, it’s been 3 weeks almost here and I have made some little progress in adjusting to the day to day activities and the social life here. It obviously can’t be the same as Delhi but its better here now w.r.t the initial week.
But I still do miss Mom, Dad, Chan, Abhi, Priyanka and Shombe a lot. Especially cuz I had spent so much time with all of them just before coming here. Was pretty much with them 24 hrs or so given my health issue. And now I haven’t even seen them in 3 weeks. Doesn’t feel right AT ALL!
It feels so funnily weird... like Shombe got full marks in his test and I should be giving him chocolates. We discussed it - thanks to the mobile - but I can’t do it like rite now. I wanna give him a huge hug (which he wud run away from making a face) and tell him how happy and proud I am! And I wish you were around - I miss our "watch a kiddies movie, eat at McDs and play at amoeba" outings. I miss being a kid cuz I can do that only with you.
Then here, I have to get up real early most mornings to make myself breakfast cuz I need to take the meds. And I can’t help but think that mom used to do that for me every single day. And not just this, when I was unwell she wud make special food and feed me too. She would prepare juice, khichdi and be ready with my meds on time. I feel so useless without her. A mother's love is really precious. Sometimes I would get all irritated and over burdened by her care but now... without her, I feel so unloved and uncared for. Like no one cares enough. She calls everyday and knows stuff even before I say anything. The day I went to the doc here for general consultation on my cough, she sent me a message saying hope u r fine and don’t have fever. I was amazed... totally surprised, rather shocked to see the sms. I mean, how did SHE know???? I think there's just something special about these people we call Mother.... Miss u mom, and love u so very much, wish u cud read this.
Dad - love u equally and miss you equally... life wudnt be even half as much fun and positive if you weren’t you... I miss your pranks, leg pulling, the fights for the TV couch, and especially your optimistic attitude. I guess I get my positivity from you... actually I am sure! On most days I would find those things irritating but that’s just cuz its fun to be bullied by you like a big brother and then try snatching the remote from you or sitting in your chair when u get up and then fight about that too. Totally love you :) MUAH
From here, I can’t see and admire Priyanka's new phone - BB Curve. This comes with a wink especially for Priyanka!!! No Chinese dinners, no soups floating in front of our eyes, no shopping at GIP - NOT EVEN WINDOW SHOPPING :( - and no movies... the girl talk we still manage :) I miss her chocolate shake so much!!! And the daily dose of - "you better sleep on time" ....lolz
And Abhi... well he’s busy at the client site too - so we hardly get to talk... not like he talked much anyways, but it used to be good enough to see his face like 2-3 times a week and bug him with my leg pulling.... and him getting back at me for that not instantly but some time later.... Abhi, this is probably one of the very few times that you will catch me saying this so be happy that I am accepting publically that you are not such a bad guy - lol. You are queer but yet so lovable!
I miss Chan, Sud and Fali too... but I guess not as much as others cuz we were mostly in touch thru the phone and email, and that we still are. Only fali and me both have more work these days so when I call she’s busy and when she calls I am busy... just bad timing I guess!
Someone asked me how am I such a friendly and loving person... while typing this today, it struck me - its cuz I have so much love around me, its flowing into my life with each of these people in their unique way. Thanks and Love you all!
Labels: Colombo, friends, Life, Missing you, New place, nostalgia, think, trip, work
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Shattered
On and off in life, we seem to go through the rough patches. And sooner or later, we all do move on and are fine. Life just leaves us no option, what to do!
It can be something as small as losing your favorite material thing and something as big as losing someone close to your heart. And amidst all of this, you and me often forget to acknowledge what we already have - things and people - that are such a coherent part of our life, just like our own skin - so perfectly blended with our own existence that it all seems like a part of us and not as some external entity.
And hence, more often that not, we tend to overlook, all that we really need to breathe. We may or may not take it all for granted, but we surely do not realize how important they are for us... until one day, when we lose something or someone.
Its then that we realize what we have lost... and that sometimes there is no looking back... cuz you will never be able to make them realize what they meant, no words you say will be heard, nothing you do can undo the events, worst still, you may never be able to say things that you wanted to.
Its been seven years now since I lost my best friend and its never been the same. I know some of the best people around and my closest buddies are my friends in the real sense of the word. But no one can ever fill the gap that’s been created. And so, I tend to hold on to my close friends with all my dear life - call it fear of losing them to the uncertain, call it ideology, call it anything - but I follow it like a strict rule. Friendship happens to be one of my most cherished values in life.
However, these very close friends of mine do not agree with it all the time. A very close friend of mine, recently complained about me not having enough self respect and letting another friend use me. I was advised to steer clear of that friend. But all I asked was, if you have some work, wont you ask your closest friend first to help you or depend on them to care for you??? So how is it that I was so called "USED"??? And all I said to her was that a friend is a friend, even with all his/her shortcomings... and I can’t let go of a friend just cuz they did something they should not have. She said it’s all ideal and sounds good to hear, but should be implemented only to a limit and only when the same is being reciprocated by the other person. She said that all relations are a give and take, and I am being Mother Teresa by acting foolish and hurting myself.
Maybe she is right. I know she cares, I know she is reading, I know she is one of the very few people who would actually say things as they are without putting any make up on top of it. And that’s why I’d rather talk to her than anyone else, cuz I like things black and white... doesn’t matter if most of them are black and if it hurts like crazy... but grey is not for me... it makes me sick both mentally n physically... so black is also good cuz its not grey.
But at the same time it is in direct conflict with my ideology of friendship. I do not discount the fact that I can’t be wrong or the fact that not everyone is alike and this particular person may not really be a great friend to have. However, the dilemma is - how do I decide what’s rite in this case? Do I follow my heart and be a friend despite all logic pointing in a totally opposite direction? Or do I follow my mind, which asks me to completely shun this person out of my life and don give a damn... cuz seems like this person clearly does not either.
We become friends with someone only when we know that we think we can trust that person and then we do exactly that - we trust them. And so did I. And then, it was broken under the pretext of friendship... now that also is in direct conflict of my idea of friendship!
In today's world where everything seems like a sham, trust has become a rare commodity... its very difficult to find someone to trust and its equally difficult to find someone who trusts you. So its obviously not just rare but valuable too. Or maybe not. Especially when its broken and assaulted by the very few people who you consider close to your heart.
Now all this jazzy shit aside, I wonder how one person starts believing or trusting the other. What is it that makes you trust someone? What is it that makes you accept that person without questioning their intentions?
Its like an extreme adventure sport, you don’t know what you are getting in to till you come out all fine, or otherwise for that matter. You expose the most vulnerable feelings, emotions, secrets and all that stuff - with full confidence in that person that it wont come back to haunt you. Unknowingly and unintentionally, you are gearing other people to take advantage of you... while you expect and believe that it wont happen.
Now why do we humans do that?? Like why do we believe that someone is good enough to be "THAT" person who will keep your trust safe and will not break it at the drop of a hat??
Neat - ain't it... like a vicious circle - unless u fall, u will not know if the person you "TRUST" will save you. But unless you trust someone, you wont try falling... and if that trust is broken, you will fall n hurt pretty effectively.
So when do you know that someone is not being a friend or depending on you as a friend, but is instead manipulating your trust in them? Where do you draw that line and say - till u don cross that line, I will not let my ego rise but beyond this line, its my self respect that I must save? Is there really something like a selfless friendship or is it just a myth... cuz then we all should stick only to people who care and love us back equally. NO???
AH!!! - I’ve hit another grey... n not liking it for sure!!!
This new year, I just wish to have enough strength to survive the fall and to never be the "puppy dog" that my other friend called me. (Although I love puppy dogs, only not everyone does).
God - if you exist - remind me not to trust just about anyone, cuz the risk is not worth it at all.
It can be something as small as losing your favorite material thing and something as big as losing someone close to your heart. And amidst all of this, you and me often forget to acknowledge what we already have - things and people - that are such a coherent part of our life, just like our own skin - so perfectly blended with our own existence that it all seems like a part of us and not as some external entity.
And hence, more often that not, we tend to overlook, all that we really need to breathe. We may or may not take it all for granted, but we surely do not realize how important they are for us... until one day, when we lose something or someone.
Its then that we realize what we have lost... and that sometimes there is no looking back... cuz you will never be able to make them realize what they meant, no words you say will be heard, nothing you do can undo the events, worst still, you may never be able to say things that you wanted to.
Its been seven years now since I lost my best friend and its never been the same. I know some of the best people around and my closest buddies are my friends in the real sense of the word. But no one can ever fill the gap that’s been created. And so, I tend to hold on to my close friends with all my dear life - call it fear of losing them to the uncertain, call it ideology, call it anything - but I follow it like a strict rule. Friendship happens to be one of my most cherished values in life.
However, these very close friends of mine do not agree with it all the time. A very close friend of mine, recently complained about me not having enough self respect and letting another friend use me. I was advised to steer clear of that friend. But all I asked was, if you have some work, wont you ask your closest friend first to help you or depend on them to care for you??? So how is it that I was so called "USED"??? And all I said to her was that a friend is a friend, even with all his/her shortcomings... and I can’t let go of a friend just cuz they did something they should not have. She said it’s all ideal and sounds good to hear, but should be implemented only to a limit and only when the same is being reciprocated by the other person. She said that all relations are a give and take, and I am being Mother Teresa by acting foolish and hurting myself.
Maybe she is right. I know she cares, I know she is reading, I know she is one of the very few people who would actually say things as they are without putting any make up on top of it. And that’s why I’d rather talk to her than anyone else, cuz I like things black and white... doesn’t matter if most of them are black and if it hurts like crazy... but grey is not for me... it makes me sick both mentally n physically... so black is also good cuz its not grey.
But at the same time it is in direct conflict with my ideology of friendship. I do not discount the fact that I can’t be wrong or the fact that not everyone is alike and this particular person may not really be a great friend to have. However, the dilemma is - how do I decide what’s rite in this case? Do I follow my heart and be a friend despite all logic pointing in a totally opposite direction? Or do I follow my mind, which asks me to completely shun this person out of my life and don give a damn... cuz seems like this person clearly does not either.
We become friends with someone only when we know that we think we can trust that person and then we do exactly that - we trust them. And so did I. And then, it was broken under the pretext of friendship... now that also is in direct conflict of my idea of friendship!
In today's world where everything seems like a sham, trust has become a rare commodity... its very difficult to find someone to trust and its equally difficult to find someone who trusts you. So its obviously not just rare but valuable too. Or maybe not. Especially when its broken and assaulted by the very few people who you consider close to your heart.
Now all this jazzy shit aside, I wonder how one person starts believing or trusting the other. What is it that makes you trust someone? What is it that makes you accept that person without questioning their intentions?
Its like an extreme adventure sport, you don’t know what you are getting in to till you come out all fine, or otherwise for that matter. You expose the most vulnerable feelings, emotions, secrets and all that stuff - with full confidence in that person that it wont come back to haunt you. Unknowingly and unintentionally, you are gearing other people to take advantage of you... while you expect and believe that it wont happen.
Now why do we humans do that?? Like why do we believe that someone is good enough to be "THAT" person who will keep your trust safe and will not break it at the drop of a hat??
Neat - ain't it... like a vicious circle - unless u fall, u will not know if the person you "TRUST" will save you. But unless you trust someone, you wont try falling... and if that trust is broken, you will fall n hurt pretty effectively.
So when do you know that someone is not being a friend or depending on you as a friend, but is instead manipulating your trust in them? Where do you draw that line and say - till u don cross that line, I will not let my ego rise but beyond this line, its my self respect that I must save? Is there really something like a selfless friendship or is it just a myth... cuz then we all should stick only to people who care and love us back equally. NO???
AH!!! - I’ve hit another grey... n not liking it for sure!!!
This new year, I just wish to have enough strength to survive the fall and to never be the "puppy dog" that my other friend called me. (Although I love puppy dogs, only not everyone does).
God - if you exist - remind me not to trust just about anyone, cuz the risk is not worth it at all.
Labels: Belief, broken heart, Faith, Heart break, hurt, Life, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, think
Thursday, April 9, 2009
For Now and Forever - V
A LOT LIKE LOVE
Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh as always.
He looked at the exit gate, not nervous at all… waiting for her, as the crowd started pouring out.
In this moment, he knew she would never surface from the crowd… he knew that his heart will always long for it but he will never be able to hold her again…
In this moment… he knew.
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh.
Josh leaned against his car, nervous as hell... waiting for Grace to come out of her office complex. His eyes constantly shifting between the exit gate and his watch. He felt the same anxiety every time he came to see her… Every time.
Moments later, Grace emerged from the gate. Smiling, as always. Grace, not just by name... but elegance personified. Something lit up inside him the moment he saw her walking towards him.
She came and hugged him "Hello Happiness!” planting a cheerful peck on his check.
Amused, he asked "Oh Wow! What was that for?"
Grace "Just like that!"
Josh "Oh Common, you never do that. Now out with it."
Grace looked at Josh, her grin widening "No really, for no reason."
Josh "No No No. There IS something, tell me... NOW"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Grace "Well! If you really want to know..."
Josh "Yeaaaah... I really want to know..."
Josh leaned against his car, nervous as hell... waiting for Grace to come out of her office complex. His eyes constantly shifting between the exit gate and his watch. He felt the same anxiety every time he came to see her… Every time.
Moments later, Grace emerged from the gate. Smiling, as always. Grace, not just by name... but elegance personified. Something lit up inside him the moment he saw her walking towards him.
She came and hugged him "Hello Happiness!” planting a cheerful peck on his check.
Amused, he asked "Oh Wow! What was that for?"
Grace "Just like that!"
Josh "Oh Common, you never do that. Now out with it."
Grace looked at Josh, her grin widening "No really, for no reason."
Josh "No No No. There IS something, tell me... NOW"
Grace "No"Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes"
Grace "No"
Josh "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Grace "Well! If you really want to know..."
Josh "Yeaaaah... I really want to know..."
Grace moved closer to him and murmured softly in his ear "I just had a fortune cookie" and handed over the fortune paper to him.
Josh looked at her surprised and mystified "So?"
Puzzled, he opened up the crumpled paper to read it. It said "Stop searching, happiness is just next to you."
He looked at her with all the love in his heart and smiled with all the warmth in his soul. He gently held her hand and locked her close to his heart, in a tender embrace.
In this moment, he knew that it was either her or no one.
In this moment, he did not know why and how... but he just knew.
In this moment, he knew he wanted to hold her, just like that, next to his heart... For Now and Forever.
Josh looked at her surprised and mystified "So?"
Puzzled, he opened up the crumpled paper to read it. It said "Stop searching, happiness is just next to you."
He looked at her with all the love in his heart and smiled with all the warmth in his soul. He gently held her hand and locked her close to his heart, in a tender embrace.
In this moment, he knew that it was either her or no one.
In this moment, he did not know why and how... but he just knew.
In this moment, he knew he wanted to hold her, just like that, next to his heart... For Now and Forever.
Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh as always.
He looked at the exit gate, not nervous at all… waiting for her, as the crowd started pouring out.
In this moment, he knew she would never surface from the crowd… he knew that his heart will always long for it but he will never be able to hold her again…
In this moment… he knew.
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Labels: broken heart, desire, Heart break, hurt, Letting go, Life, Love, memories, Missing you, moving on, nostalgia, romance, soul, think, want
Saturday, February 14, 2009
For Now and Forever - IV
SHALL WE DANCE
"One more please" Josh signaled
"Sure sir" Bartender replied
Just then, from the corner of his eye, he saw a man leading his lady to the dance floor. A few moments later, another couple joined them. Before long, the dance floor was filled with couples only, holding each other close, smiling and gently moving to the sound of music.
It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss ....
Josh suddenly became aware of the occasion. It was Valentines Day.
"Sir" the bartender interrupted "your drink"
Josh looked at his glass and smiled.
The world around him began to dissolve, melting into images from another time, another place as his eyes stared blankly in the thin air.
He turned around to face the dance floor.
She stood there in a vibrant pink blouse, a high cut black trousers and the black satin wrapped around her neck, contrasting and complimenting the white of her skin. Her face shimmering in the darkness, smiling generously at him.
He put down his glass and rushed towards her, with an urgency unknown to himself.
He took her hand tenderly and drew her close to himself, sweeping her across the dance floor.
"What?" Grace said, embarrassed and startled by his actions.Josh put a finger on her lips "Shhhhh!!!"
Grace "But!"
Josh "Shhhh!!!"
Grace "Jo..!!"
Josh "Shhh!!! ...listen"
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this ...
It was her favorite song. She looked at him and her eyes lit up.
He lifted her arms softly and put them around his neck. United in form and movement, they moved effortlessly to the symphony... elegance and style... like a dream...as if she was flying on a magic carpet in his arms.
Slowly, she began to let go as Josh led her gently through a series of patterns, blending flawlessly with the rhythm of the music... filled with the warm joy of her free spirit... no bounds, no fear.
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
As the song progressed, Josh drifted in time... only to find his empty arms and an empty glass.
I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do
"One more please" Josh signaled
"Sure sir" Bartender replied
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Labels: dance, Heart break, hurt, Life, Love, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, romance, valentine
Saturday, February 7, 2009
If Only...
He drew her in a tight hug, holding her close to his heart... rocking her gently in her arms, her head buried in his chest. Her tears pouring out heavier than ever.
He looked at her tears, her pain reflecting in his eyes.
He let her cry in silence and spill it all out till she was drained.
Gradually the tears stopped flowing... the rhythm of her sobs breaking his heart and the silence enveloping them.
He cupped her face tenderly in his hands and looked in her eyes. Something tugged hard on his heart.
He kissed her on the forehead "You know you cry like a baby!"
"Hmmmmm....." another tear rolling down her cheek.
He wiped it away softly. " Tigs - there is a reason why I call you that... and you know it"
"Hmmmm..."
"You know, you are not allowed to do this to yourself."
"I know..."
"But you wont stop" his voice gentle, yet firm .
"I don’t know... I'm sorry" and she hid her face in his chest again
"Hmmmmm..." He hugged her again. "It’s ok... I'm here"
If only… you were here today
If only… I could hear you say
Those words that made it all disappear
If only… it helped to pray
Kev, this ones for you…I miss you more than ever... my bestest friend, my strongest pillar of support, my sunshine for all the gloomy days... what do I do without you now?
If only life was fair…
PS: I will be taking a break from blogging after my next post which is the part of my “Forever and For Always series”. I guess I just need to be with myself for sometime. I am scheduling the next post to be published on V-Day. And I am sorry as I won’t be around to catch up on you all for sometime. But I promise to read and catch up on everything before I take a break.
Luv
D
He looked at her tears, her pain reflecting in his eyes.
He let her cry in silence and spill it all out till she was drained.
Gradually the tears stopped flowing... the rhythm of her sobs breaking his heart and the silence enveloping them.
He cupped her face tenderly in his hands and looked in her eyes. Something tugged hard on his heart.
He kissed her on the forehead "You know you cry like a baby!"
"Hmmmmm....." another tear rolling down her cheek.
He wiped it away softly. " Tigs - there is a reason why I call you that... and you know it"
"Hmmmm..."
"You know, you are not allowed to do this to yourself."
"I know..."
"But you wont stop" his voice gentle, yet firm .
"I don’t know... I'm sorry" and she hid her face in his chest again
"Hmmmmm..." He hugged her again. "It’s ok... I'm here"
If only… you were here today
If only… I could hear you say
Those words that made it all disappear
If only… it helped to pray
Kev, this ones for you…I miss you more than ever... my bestest friend, my strongest pillar of support, my sunshine for all the gloomy days... what do I do without you now?
If only life was fair…
PS: I will be taking a break from blogging after my next post which is the part of my “Forever and For Always series”. I guess I just need to be with myself for sometime. I am scheduling the next post to be published on V-Day. And I am sorry as I won’t be around to catch up on you all for sometime. But I promise to read and catch up on everything before I take a break.
Luv
D
Labels: friends, friendship, hug, Life, memories, Missing you, nostalgia
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Days of our Lives
I strongly believe that the days that form our life, are just like our whole life is. It doesn’t always turn out to be the way it starts and neither does it turn out to be what we expect it to be.
Sometimes its not what you wanted but what you get is far better, while other times you want something so desperately that you do anything and everything to acquire it... and yet, all you get is nothing.
Like ever year, this year also my birthday began with a bang. I had actually forgotten that it’s my birthday cuz I was too tired and dazed (thanks to work).
Mom and dad acted like they had slept off and then suddenly they came to my room with a cake and my gifts - a pair of quilted look ballerinas, funky shades and well a special kind of mouth freshener. It was very more than special cuz though they forgot that I do not like cakes - and most of all a pineapple cake - they remembered everything I had checked out in various stores, things that I loved, but still did not buy them cuz I was majorly short on cash in December. You see, I had to save whatever I had for tax declarations - DUH!!!
I really wish it had been that way for the rest of the day. It wasn’t. Flee called, Sis called... and just when I had given up hope - cursing my stupid, fancy, useless, non-ringing mobile – it started blinking and it said “Tarzan Calling” (that’s a nick for one of my friends. Teeheehee)
However, both of my best, closest and oldest friends did not call. I felt sad and I was disappointed. I realized I am too used to being the princess on that day every year and that I wasn’t anymore. I realized that I loved the attention it brought and that I am not in that attention span any more.
I know I know I know – I am not a superstar, but do I really need to be that for people close to me to remember and wish me on my birthday???
It felt like I had lost a lot but never accepted it till it was right there in my face.
It just din feel the same. Well, I am not sad, cuz I know there are people who do care, just that it did not feel the same without the wishes from people who have always been there and have never forgotten, wishing me year after year without fail, following the stupid rituals that I looked forward to every year, despite the fact that I knew what it would be.
But this year, it did not happen. It was not the same. My birthday was suddenly - JUST ANOTHER DAY.
However, Flee, Venky and Tarzan ensured that it wouldn’t become exactly that for me... THANKS A ZILLION TONS ... Really, with all my heart!!!
Flee got me a pair of awesome looking brown suede leather gather look boots, a cute little Christmas hanging and flowers delivered to my house. And she kept wishing me after every 2-3 hours, all through the day... thanks girl, meant a lot.
Tarzan gave me a classy Pierre Cardin watch - now he’s crazy to do that but m not complaining. I simply love the classy thing that it is - formal yet absolutely stylish. THANK YOU :-D … Oh! And how can I forget the south cotton jacket that you sent. AWESOME :-)
Venky, thanks for the cutest and the most adorable greeting card that I have ever received in my life. I promise publicly that you WILL get your ice-cream :P … I know I was bugging you with my list and all that, but I really did not expect you to be sending it all the way here. It was a GOOOOOOOOD surprise and I simply loved it :-)
I got my birthday wishes - warm, cold, formal, fun, loving, fake - all sorts … and at the end of the day, it made me wonder how just one year can change so many things and so many people.
Funny… isn’t it??? Just One Year and Just another day in it!!!
Labels: birthday, friends, hurt, Life, memories, nostalgia, think
Friday, December 19, 2008
For Now And Forever - III
YOU'VE GOT MAIL
"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Grace looked blankly at her desktop screensaver. The day had been exceptionally dull. It was just one of those days when nothing was right.
"You've got mail!" The screensaver disappeared jolting her back to reality.
"Sigh!!!" Another forward, she thought. But just when she was about to hit the delete button, she noticed the sender's name. Joshua Mackenzie.
She smiled in surprise. Josh never sent her any forwards. So why today? It was one of those mails which said that if you forward it you'll get a surprise in 15 min. She laughed in her head and forwarded it to a few friends as well as Josh.
"You've got mail", her PC speakers sang again in a symphony, exactly after 15 minutes.
It was Josh again. "Did you get the surprise?"
She was amused. Josh sat just two bays away, on the same work floor as her!
"No" She replied
"You've got mail!" She looked at the screen and almost burst out laughing.
The mail said - "Too bad, me neither! Time to go home. Wanna drop?"
She replied - "Ok"
She was more than glad to see Josh waiting for her in the parking. Grace's pet Tanny had delivered the pups just last night. She was completely drained. He could see the shadows of a long night on her face.
They had dinner in their favorite restaurant - The Golden Dragon - and the drudgeries of the day, all seemed to have disappeared in the conversation. It always worked - the restaurant, the tête-à-tête and the company – ALWAYS!
After the dinner, Josh drove quietly to her place, marveling at the warmth radiating from her soft, glowing skin as she spoke about Tanny's new borns.
Just before she opened the car door to leave, Josh said... "So, neither of us got the surprise yet?"
"I know!" Grace smiled at him
"Its not too late you know!" Josh said shifting his glance between her lips and her eyes a couple of times.
Grace looked at him and asked what it meant.
He slowly bent forward and brushed his nose and cheek along hers. Then, he gently pulled her chin towards his lips and allowed his lips to touch hers. He parted his lips slightly and pressed them tenderly over her lips. Grace closed her eyes and savored the most sensual moment of her life- the sensation of his lips on hers. So gentle and so loving, it made her insides melt.
"You've got mail!" The screensaver disappeared jolting her back to reality.
"Sigh!!!" Another forward, she thought. But just when she was about to hit the delete button, she noticed the sender's name. Joshua Mackenzie.
She smiled in surprise. Josh never sent her any forwards. So why today? It was one of those mails which said that if you forward it you'll get a surprise in 15 min. She laughed in her head and forwarded it to a few friends as well as Josh.
"You've got mail", her PC speakers sang again in a symphony, exactly after 15 minutes.
It was Josh again. "Did you get the surprise?"
She was amused. Josh sat just two bays away, on the same work floor as her!
"No" She replied
"You've got mail!" She looked at the screen and almost burst out laughing.
The mail said - "Too bad, me neither! Time to go home. Wanna drop?"
She replied - "Ok"
She was more than glad to see Josh waiting for her in the parking. Grace's pet Tanny had delivered the pups just last night. She was completely drained. He could see the shadows of a long night on her face.
They had dinner in their favorite restaurant - The Golden Dragon - and the drudgeries of the day, all seemed to have disappeared in the conversation. It always worked - the restaurant, the tête-à-tête and the company – ALWAYS!
After the dinner, Josh drove quietly to her place, marveling at the warmth radiating from her soft, glowing skin as she spoke about Tanny's new borns.
Just before she opened the car door to leave, Josh said... "So, neither of us got the surprise yet?"
"I know!" Grace smiled at him
"Its not too late you know!" Josh said shifting his glance between her lips and her eyes a couple of times.
Grace looked at him and asked what it meant.
He slowly bent forward and brushed his nose and cheek along hers. Then, he gently pulled her chin towards his lips and allowed his lips to touch hers. He parted his lips slightly and pressed them tenderly over her lips. Grace closed her eyes and savored the most sensual moment of her life- the sensation of his lips on hers. So gentle and so loving, it made her insides melt.
It didn’t feel right... it felt perfect!
And the radio came to life with Lifehouse......
"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"
He pulled his head back and their eyes locked in a warm, affectionate gaze.
Josh looked in her eyes, "Your hair looks so soft," and lightly touched the tips of it.
The rose in her cheeks made Josh smile. Grace beamed at him, looking in to his deep black eyes, while Josh reached back over and started stroking her hair.
He leaned down and took a big sniff "Mmmmmmm... you smell good."
Lifehouse continued in the background...
"There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else, there is nothing else, there is nothing else"
"So!!! Was that a good surprise?" Josh said
"DEFINITLY!" She said with a wide grin pasted on her face and stars twinkling in her eyes.
“Just what the doctor ordered! Eh?” Josh smirked and both of them burst out laughing… laughing till their jaw hurt.
Lifehouse faded away slowly...
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you...
Josh looked in her eyes, "Your hair looks so soft," and lightly touched the tips of it.
The rose in her cheeks made Josh smile. Grace beamed at him, looking in to his deep black eyes, while Josh reached back over and started stroking her hair.
He leaned down and took a big sniff "Mmmmmmm... you smell good."
Lifehouse continued in the background...
"There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else, there is nothing else, there is nothing else"
"So!!! Was that a good surprise?" Josh said
"DEFINITLY!" She said with a wide grin pasted on her face and stars twinkling in her eyes.
“Just what the doctor ordered! Eh?” Josh smirked and both of them burst out laughing… laughing till their jaw hurt.
Lifehouse faded away slowly...
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you...
___________________________________________________________
More from the series - For Now and Forever:
For Now and Forever - I: If Only...
For Now and Forever - II: PS: I Love You
For Now and Forever - III: You've Got Mail
For Now and Forever - IV: Shall We Dance
For Now and Forever - V: A Lot Like Love
For Now and Forever - VI: As Good As It Gets
For Now and Forever - VII: Gone With The Wind
For Now and Forever - VIII: Message In A Bottle
Labels: Kiss, Life, Love, memories, Missing you, nostalgia, romance
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Hazel Eyed Boy
In grade 7th I was still the boy hating person. I hated their guts. They were useless, too hyper and were too secretive about something that I couldn’t figure out then.
So, this hazel eyed boy with an absolutely adorable mop of curly hair would often behave too shy around me. He was apparently the cutest boy in the class.
On this one exam day, he came up to with an entire gang of guys and extends his hand to me “All the best for the exam Shaifali”. I shake his hand and say “you too” with much disinterest. Suddenly the entire gang of guys roared. I was too dumb to even get that! Ok fine, I was a geeky child.
1 year later I got to know he liked me. A lot. My then best friend had scandalized him by saying that I considered him a brother. Oh cmon! Don’t roll your eyes! We have all seen this nonsense of bhai-ship when we were kids! He apparently wrote a suicide letter too.
Not once in all this one year did I come to know. I guess the bhaiship did it for him. He now liked someone else. That kind of pinched me. Why it did was not clear to me back then. I think it was the start of “not looking at guys as dumb creatures”.
Time passed by. I found a F.L.A.M.E.S sheet in his desk one day with my name and his name on it. It had his current crush and his name too. You know what FLAME is. Oh you do you do! You have done it too. Na? Anyway, this was in 9th grade. I would get all the kick in the world to do something better than him. Heh, kiddish stuff.
By 10th grade, I had started to like him. But I was too feisty to confess it. He still liked the other chick. He left school in grade 11th.
We wrote to each other for a long time. We met once that year. He wrote me his address on a tissue paper and ran off. I still liked him.
I would often remember the time we met and smile to myself. Or well talked the first time. That was 5th grade. Some etiquette class it was; telephone etiquettes. Both me and him were called and have a conversation in front of the entire class about a program we watched. That was how we talked the first time.
Mid of grade 12th, the letters stopped coming. I kept writing. But he never replied back. I was angry. But I didn’t let it out.
I got to know in a letter he sent to me in February’2000 that he is seeing someone. He loved her. A lot. Something crashed inside me then. I met him in March’2000. He had changed drastically from what I had known him to be.
He looked consumed. His teeth yellow because of smoking.
The image crashed. I didn’t like him anymore. Not that much.
I liked him for 1 more year after that.
That hazel eyed boy
PS: this is another guest post by my best buddy I fondly call Fali. I know I know I am missing but promise to be back in just one week. PROMISE!!!
So, this hazel eyed boy with an absolutely adorable mop of curly hair would often behave too shy around me. He was apparently the cutest boy in the class.
On this one exam day, he came up to with an entire gang of guys and extends his hand to me “All the best for the exam Shaifali”. I shake his hand and say “you too” with much disinterest. Suddenly the entire gang of guys roared. I was too dumb to even get that! Ok fine, I was a geeky child.
1 year later I got to know he liked me. A lot. My then best friend had scandalized him by saying that I considered him a brother. Oh cmon! Don’t roll your eyes! We have all seen this nonsense of bhai-ship when we were kids! He apparently wrote a suicide letter too.
Not once in all this one year did I come to know. I guess the bhaiship did it for him. He now liked someone else. That kind of pinched me. Why it did was not clear to me back then. I think it was the start of “not looking at guys as dumb creatures”.
Time passed by. I found a F.L.A.M.E.S sheet in his desk one day with my name and his name on it. It had his current crush and his name too. You know what FLAME is. Oh you do you do! You have done it too. Na? Anyway, this was in 9th grade. I would get all the kick in the world to do something better than him. Heh, kiddish stuff.
By 10th grade, I had started to like him. But I was too feisty to confess it. He still liked the other chick. He left school in grade 11th.
We wrote to each other for a long time. We met once that year. He wrote me his address on a tissue paper and ran off. I still liked him.
I would often remember the time we met and smile to myself. Or well talked the first time. That was 5th grade. Some etiquette class it was; telephone etiquettes. Both me and him were called and have a conversation in front of the entire class about a program we watched. That was how we talked the first time.
Mid of grade 12th, the letters stopped coming. I kept writing. But he never replied back. I was angry. But I didn’t let it out.
I got to know in a letter he sent to me in February’2000 that he is seeing someone. He loved her. A lot. Something crashed inside me then. I met him in March’2000. He had changed drastically from what I had known him to be.
He looked consumed. His teeth yellow because of smoking.
The image crashed. I didn’t like him anymore. Not that much.
I liked him for 1 more year after that.
That hazel eyed boy
PS: this is another guest post by my best buddy I fondly call Fali. I know I know I am missing but promise to be back in just one week. PROMISE!!!
Labels: crush, infatuation, Life, like, Love, memories, nostalgia
