Heart'n'Soul

Have you ever done something that’s the right thing to do at that moment... impulsive or planned? Something that was exactly what you should have done. But turns out, there is nothing in life that you would regret more.

Have you ever let go of someone who meant the most to you but just did not feel right... friend/family/love... anyone. You had the strongest, most logical reason to part ways and so you did. And when you couldn’t find that person anymore around you, you realized how much you needed them... and you just never stop missing them, thinking about them and wondering if they think about you too. Even thought the right thing to do was let go, but if given a chance, you would not do it a second time.

I will make a confession today and say, I have done that in life. I let one of my closest friends... one of the people who gave me some of my best memories in life...walk away. And I am saddened to see that a lot of people are doing that too.

Just makes me think how stupid we humans can be. We invest our emotions, our love and our feelings in someone and then... we just let that person walk away in a fit of anger, disappointment, hurt... whatever the reason maybe. We forget all those small little things that made that person so special and those moments that we would cherish for life. We let them go and then once the anger, the resentment settles down... we suffer for the longest time ever. They move on, cuz you asked them to...but you stand there forever, looking at the footsteps they left behind. I swear I tried hard to make things fine, but I guess it was too late. You had gone too far... too far to hear my voice, to far to see me.

You can’t move forward, cuz there's no way there. You can’t follow them, cuz that's not right and you would reach no where in the end. And you can’t even go back. You know you will never see them or hear from them, that they are gone forever. And you are scared that you will forget the feeling of being with them, the way they sounded, the way they looked, the way they were with you... that you would forget the best of your memories without them. You are scared they will become just a faint memory, that they will become someone you know existed but cannot recall. And you are scared that you would lose whatever is left of them with you.

I am pretty sure that even if I did not take the decision I took, the things would still be the way they are today. We would still not be friends. You would still have found another excuse to do what you did.... cuz that’s how you wanted things to be. But I still so wish that the excuse wasn’t me... that maybe if it wasn’t me, then maybe it wouldn’t have been you either... that maybe we were still friends... I wish you had been more honest and I wish I was more patient. I can’t speak for you anymore, so I don’t know about the dishonesty bit on your part, but I do know bout my impatience and I wish I had held on a bit longer... just a wee bit longer. I wish I hadn't given up.

I'm sorry for the fight we had... I truly am. I still miss you... I still love you... I still trust you so much that though I know all your lies, my heart still doesn't believe any of it. I miss the friend, who understood my passion like no one else has ever been able to understand, not my family - not my best friend. And I know no-one ever will.

There are all kinds of mistakes, good - bad, big - small, others - ours... but there are some mistakes, some decisions we take - that we can neither forget and nor forgive ourselves for. And it’s always easier to live with someone else's mistake and forgive them, but not your own...specially the ones that give you a bruise for a lifetime. Cuz it kills you from within each day, cuz it’s your own guilt and you are responsible for making yourself suffer... cuz you can’t even complain... cuz you can’t play the blame game.

So when you feel like saying goodbye - be very careful and just remember - that some goodbyes are forever...

Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh.

Josh leaned against his car, nervous as hell... waiting for Grace to come out of her office complex. His eyes constantly shifting between the exit gate and his watch. He felt the same anxiety every time he came to see her… Every time.

Moments later, Grace emerged from the gate. Smiling, as always. Grace, not just by name... but elegance personified. Something lit up inside him the moment he saw her walking towards him.

She came and hugged him "Hello Happiness!” planting a cheerful peck on his check.

Amused, he asked "Oh Wow! What was that for?"

Grace "Just like that!"

Josh "Oh Common, you never do that. Now out with it."

Grace looked at Josh, her grin widening "No really, for no reason."

Josh "No No No. There IS something, tell me... NOW"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Grace "Well! If you really want to know..."

Josh "Yeaaaah... I really want to know..."

Grace moved closer to him and murmured softly in his ear "I just had a fortune cookie" and handed over the fortune paper to him.

Josh looked at her surprised and mystified "So?"

Puzzled, he opened up the crumpled paper to read it. It said "Stop searching, happiness is just next to you."

He looked at her with all the love in his heart and smiled with all the warmth in his soul. He gently held her hand and locked her close to his heart, in a tender embrace.

In this moment, he knew that it was either her or no one.

In this moment, he did not know why and how... but he just knew.

In this moment, he knew he wanted to hold her, just like that, next to his heart... For Now and Forever.

The day has ended and its time to sleep. She is drained and defeated in her war against herself. But, her last thoughts of the day still reach out to him. Just before she sleeps, there is a small, short prayer that she says in her head... every night...

"I hope you are fine and if you are not, then I hope you will be fine soon. May god bless you. Amen!"

And as she closes here eyes, tears welling up in them, she doesn’t forget to remind herself - "I love him, he loves me not… I love him, he loves me not … I love him… “

NOTE: This is a long one, so all I want to say is read on ONLY if you care.

Just about a year back, a really really close friend of mine tried hard to make me understand that my happiness depends totally on my frame of mind. And as much as it may be regulated by external factors, the strength to overcome it lies inside me. The strength that comes from realizing and accepting the fact that as much as we may believe that we have our life under control, we don’t; that we are not responsible for everything that happens in our life - both good and bad; that there are things beyond your capability, control or obligations.

But the stubborn ass that I am, I just refused to agree and continuously kept hurting myself by blaming myself for everything that went wrong, running after the whys and the hows. I kept running after finding proof for something that I already knew by logic but my heart wouldn’t believe. In the end, when I had ample proof to justify my logic, it was already too late to get back everything I had lost in that process.

And so, I learnt that the best we can do under these conditions is to Let Go.

It’s not an easy task. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things to do. But it’s surely the most liberating. It took me the worst 2 years of my life till date to realize it but it’s also been the most enriching experience. It’s made me more humane than ever. Its made me more forgiving and non-judgmental than ever before since I now understand that just like me, everyone else is equally powerless and has no control over the ever changing situations and the people amidst those situations.

Why am I suddenly talking about this? cuz I am standing at yet another personal crossroad in my life where I must let go of someone, someone really close to my heart, someone I love a lot, someone I genuinely care about, someone who means the world to me, someone I'd do anything for. Someone who I have tried letting go of but just like Phoebe said to Monica, that person clawed the way back.

But it’s also someone who doesn’t care, someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t even try to see the other side, someone to whom I mean nothing. Someone who’s never been there for me. Someone who’s all talk and no cock. And hence it’s in my best interest to let go.

And so, I must practice myself - what I have learnt and what I preach.

I don’t think that person will be reading it ever, but all I want to tell that person is that am not even sorry anymore... I can’t go on like this; I don not want to suffer anymore. I don’t blame you cuz you are who you are and there are so many things that are not under your control either. Cuz I know that you are not heartless and its not that you are a bad person, it’s just that it’s not in your heart for me. And unfortunately I am not the “Waiting” and the “Chasing” kind.

I don want to waste my energy on blaming you or myself or the situation, I just want to make the most of myself and my life. And so, I NEED to let go, I MUST let go. I can not have all I want, custom made to my desire, so I'd rather enjoy what I have and who I am.

Its not that I don’t cherish you, I really do. It’s just that I'd rather cherish myself too. Its not that I don’t have it in me to give my all to you. It’s just that I've already given too much and now I'd rather save the rest of it for myself than go bankrupt. Its not about how much I love you, it’s just about how I love myself too.

Cuz letting go is not about denying, but about accepting things as they are. And so I must.

At the same time my heart pulls me in a totally opposite direction. Cuz it’s like throwing away a piece of my heart, and probably the most treasured and the most important one. It asks me to stick on and stay and so I know its not going to be simple. It’s certainly going to be painful and demanding. Cuz it’s not going to be me. Cuz the affection I feel still pulls me to you. Cuz I am just too fond of you to not care anymore. And the way I am - Friendship is something I don’t let go of easily, just like that.

But like I expressed once earlier as well in a post - sometimes in order to be yourself, you have to stop being yourself. So as much as I don’t want to, I must say - OVER AND OUT - and my heart shall say it soon too.

The song that my heart’s humming currently is Almost by Mark Wills and here is how it goes:

Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I, didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Gotta find somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no-doubt to be-there kind
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya 'round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count