Heart'n'Soul

Ding Dong - The huge clock tower struck 7, startling Josh.

Josh leaned against his car, nervous as hell... waiting for Grace to come out of her office complex. His eyes constantly shifting between the exit gate and his watch. He felt the same anxiety every time he came to see her… Every time.

Moments later, Grace emerged from the gate. Smiling, as always. Grace, not just by name... but elegance personified. Something lit up inside him the moment he saw her walking towards him.

She came and hugged him "Hello Happiness!” planting a cheerful peck on his check.

Amused, he asked "Oh Wow! What was that for?"

Grace "Just like that!"

Josh "Oh Common, you never do that. Now out with it."

Grace looked at Josh, her grin widening "No really, for no reason."

Josh "No No No. There IS something, tell me... NOW"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes"

Grace "No"

Josh "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Grace "Well! If you really want to know..."

Josh "Yeaaaah... I really want to know..."

Grace moved closer to him and murmured softly in his ear "I just had a fortune cookie" and handed over the fortune paper to him.

Josh looked at her surprised and mystified "So?"

Puzzled, he opened up the crumpled paper to read it. It said "Stop searching, happiness is just next to you."

He looked at her with all the love in his heart and smiled with all the warmth in his soul. He gently held her hand and locked her close to his heart, in a tender embrace.

In this moment, he knew that it was either her or no one.

In this moment, he did not know why and how... but he just knew.

In this moment, he knew he wanted to hold her, just like that, next to his heart... For Now and Forever.

The day has ended and its time to sleep. She is drained and defeated in her war against herself. But, her last thoughts of the day still reach out to him. Just before she sleeps, there is a small, short prayer that she says in her head... every night...

"I hope you are fine and if you are not, then I hope you will be fine soon. May god bless you. Amen!"

And as she closes here eyes, tears welling up in them, she doesn’t forget to remind herself - "I love him, he loves me not… I love him, he loves me not … I love him… “

NOTE: This is a long one, so all I want to say is read on ONLY if you care.

Just about a year back, a really really close friend of mine tried hard to make me understand that my happiness depends totally on my frame of mind. And as much as it may be regulated by external factors, the strength to overcome it lies inside me. The strength that comes from realizing and accepting the fact that as much as we may believe that we have our life under control, we don’t; that we are not responsible for everything that happens in our life - both good and bad; that there are things beyond your capability, control or obligations.

But the stubborn ass that I am, I just refused to agree and continuously kept hurting myself by blaming myself for everything that went wrong, running after the whys and the hows. I kept running after finding proof for something that I already knew by logic but my heart wouldn’t believe. In the end, when I had ample proof to justify my logic, it was already too late to get back everything I had lost in that process.

And so, I learnt that the best we can do under these conditions is to Let Go.

It’s not an easy task. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things to do. But it’s surely the most liberating. It took me the worst 2 years of my life till date to realize it but it’s also been the most enriching experience. It’s made me more humane than ever. Its made me more forgiving and non-judgmental than ever before since I now understand that just like me, everyone else is equally powerless and has no control over the ever changing situations and the people amidst those situations.

Why am I suddenly talking about this? cuz I am standing at yet another personal crossroad in my life where I must let go of someone, someone really close to my heart, someone I love a lot, someone I genuinely care about, someone who means the world to me, someone I'd do anything for. Someone who I have tried letting go of but just like Phoebe said to Monica, that person clawed the way back.

But it’s also someone who doesn’t care, someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t even try to see the other side, someone to whom I mean nothing. Someone who’s never been there for me. Someone who’s all talk and no cock. And hence it’s in my best interest to let go.

And so, I must practice myself - what I have learnt and what I preach.

I don’t think that person will be reading it ever, but all I want to tell that person is that am not even sorry anymore... I can’t go on like this; I don not want to suffer anymore. I don’t blame you cuz you are who you are and there are so many things that are not under your control either. Cuz I know that you are not heartless and its not that you are a bad person, it’s just that it’s not in your heart for me. And unfortunately I am not the “Waiting” and the “Chasing” kind.

I don want to waste my energy on blaming you or myself or the situation, I just want to make the most of myself and my life. And so, I NEED to let go, I MUST let go. I can not have all I want, custom made to my desire, so I'd rather enjoy what I have and who I am.

Its not that I don’t cherish you, I really do. It’s just that I'd rather cherish myself too. Its not that I don’t have it in me to give my all to you. It’s just that I've already given too much and now I'd rather save the rest of it for myself than go bankrupt. Its not about how much I love you, it’s just about how I love myself too.

Cuz letting go is not about denying, but about accepting things as they are. And so I must.

At the same time my heart pulls me in a totally opposite direction. Cuz it’s like throwing away a piece of my heart, and probably the most treasured and the most important one. It asks me to stick on and stay and so I know its not going to be simple. It’s certainly going to be painful and demanding. Cuz it’s not going to be me. Cuz the affection I feel still pulls me to you. Cuz I am just too fond of you to not care anymore. And the way I am - Friendship is something I don’t let go of easily, just like that.

But like I expressed once earlier as well in a post - sometimes in order to be yourself, you have to stop being yourself. So as much as I don’t want to, I must say - OVER AND OUT - and my heart shall say it soon too.

The song that my heart’s humming currently is Almost by Mark Wills and here is how it goes:

Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I, didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Gotta find somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no-doubt to be-there kind
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya 'round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count

I am a consultant...with a dancer's soul trapped inside me. True happiness for me is defined in that one moment when the performance defined and designed by me ends, the spotlight freezes and the audience forgets to applaud...yes you read it right!!! Audience forgets to clap in the awe. I wish for the reward of silent admiration generated from the spell of creativity that’s en caged in the confines of my mind.

I am struggling to trap it further and get on with my life, but the dancer fights back. It raises its head once in a while and I succumb to the temptation.

And then the realities of life dawn on me. Every time I open my eyes I see myself stuck in a world where I don’t belong.

So where do I belong then? I don’t know... but I do know what it would be like. I know what I want!

I want to be myself.
I want to setup a performing arts academy...that teaches various dance forms, both Indian and International...cuz I did not have access to it when I wanted to learn
I want to have the courage to fall in love again and share my life with someone.
I want to trust in friendship again, I want to believe that the goodness of human heart still exists
I don’t want to feel empty anymore... I feel lonely but I don’t want to be with anyone either. Ugh! I sound strange now, but I don’t mind
I want to blow bubbles and chase after them again, just like I did when I was a little girl
I want to dance in the rain, splash in a puddle
I want a small house on a beach in Goa...so that I can’t retire there.
I want a cafe of my own...D's Corner...just like central perk...where you will get to listen to retro music and get to watch popular and classy series like FRIENDS

My patience is running out, I don’t want to chase after anything or anyone but my own dreams. I want to save my patience. I want things and people to chase after me... lol
I want a life partner who’s a friend, someone who listens, someone I can grow old with.
I want to adopt a daughter and I want to call her Trusha
I want a golden retriever and I want to call it either Joey or Phoebe
I no more want to feel bad about showing you the mirror and tell you that you have disappointed me. I don’t want to feel bad about hurting the ones who have hurt me. I don’t want revenge, but want to be strong enough to let go and tell them that they are not what they portray and I know… I just tend to give them the benefit of doubt. I don’t want to anymore.
And for all the real "Friends" I have, I want them all right besides me, present right here right now... I don’t like distances...It feels like a black screen and I don’t know what’s happening on the other end.
I want to learn to lie and deceive... not cuz I want to, but cuz sometimes it’s necessary to deceive others and lie to them in order to shield myself from them, to not be perpetually vulnerable to all and sundry.
I want to see the whole world...all nooks and corner. That ways I get to meet you all as well. Would be so much fun!!!
I care, I understand... but now I want to be understood as well. I want to stop caring, cuz too much of it doesn’t seem worth it anymore.
I am a happy person, but with time it’s becoming harder and harder to stay this ways... I don like being unhappy, makes me sick inside... and its got nothing to do with things like job, love, money, friends, myself - nothing. I know how to smile in the worst of the situations and I want to stay that ways. I don want to lose it`.
I want to laugh again, direct dil se and not just on the surface. Haven’t REALLY laughed in a long time. I miss it. My friends used to call me crazy and used to ask me to stop it. They said it was infectious... but not anymore. I want to laugh again just like that
Genuine, Genuine, and Genuine - I am tired of hearing that word, over and over and over again... I don’t want to be called that anymore. Cuz people first say they admire it and then they use it against me to hurt me instead!
I want to have more time to read, to sleep, to be with myself and to explore what interests me, not what others expect me to.
I want to blog more often... not once a week, but once a day.
I want to live, just like I want, just the way I am meant to and not lose myself somewhere in the daily grind.
I want to die the way I am, smiling and with the stone on my grave saying – “A Human SMILES in peace here”

Is it too much to ask for? I don’t want everything, just my peace of mind... and well it will come on its own if I have all this...Just this much!!! ;D