Heart'n'Soul

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I - ME - MYSELF


I am a consultant...with a dancer's soul trapped inside me. True happiness for me is defined in that one moment when the performance defined and designed by me ends, the spotlight freezes and the audience forgets to applaud...yes you read it right!!! Audience forgets to clap in the awe. I wish for the reward of silent admiration generated from the spell of creativity that’s en caged in the confines of my mind.

I am struggling to trap it further and get on with my life, but the dancer fights back. It raises its head once in a while and I succumb to the temptation.

And then the realities of life dawn on me. Every time I open my eyes I see myself stuck in a world where I don’t belong.

So where do I belong then? I don’t know... but I do know what it would be like. I know what I want!

I want to be myself.
I want to setup a performing arts academy...that teaches various dance forms, both Indian and International...cuz I did not have access to it when I wanted to learn
I want to have the courage to fall in love again and share my life with someone.
I want to trust in friendship again, I want to believe that the goodness of human heart still exists
I don’t want to feel empty anymore... I feel lonely but I don’t want to be with anyone either. Ugh! I sound strange now, but I don’t mind
I want to blow bubbles and chase after them again, just like I did when I was a little girl
I want to dance in the rain, splash in a puddle
I want a small house on a beach in Goa...so that I can’t retire there.
I want a cafe of my own...D's Corner...just like central perk...where you will get to listen to retro music and get to watch popular and classy series like FRIENDS

My patience is running out, I don’t want to chase after anything or anyone but my own dreams. I want to save my patience. I want things and people to chase after me... lol
I want a life partner who’s a friend, someone who listens, someone I can grow old with.
I want to adopt a daughter and I want to call her Trusha
I want a golden retriever and I want to call it either Joey or Phoebe
I no more want to feel bad about showing you the mirror and tell you that you have disappointed me. I don’t want to feel bad about hurting the ones who have hurt me. I don’t want revenge, but want to be strong enough to let go and tell them that they are not what they portray and I know… I just tend to give them the benefit of doubt. I don’t want to anymore.
And for all the real "Friends" I have, I want them all right besides me, present right here right now... I don’t like distances...It feels like a black screen and I don’t know what’s happening on the other end.
I want to learn to lie and deceive... not cuz I want to, but cuz sometimes it’s necessary to deceive others and lie to them in order to shield myself from them, to not be perpetually vulnerable to all and sundry.
I want to see the whole world...all nooks and corner. That ways I get to meet you all as well. Would be so much fun!!!
I care, I understand... but now I want to be understood as well. I want to stop caring, cuz too much of it doesn’t seem worth it anymore.
I am a happy person, but with time it’s becoming harder and harder to stay this ways... I don like being unhappy, makes me sick inside... and its got nothing to do with things like job, love, money, friends, myself - nothing. I know how to smile in the worst of the situations and I want to stay that ways. I don want to lose it`.
I want to laugh again, direct dil se and not just on the surface. Haven’t REALLY laughed in a long time. I miss it. My friends used to call me crazy and used to ask me to stop it. They said it was infectious... but not anymore. I want to laugh again just like that
Genuine, Genuine, and Genuine - I am tired of hearing that word, over and over and over again... I don’t want to be called that anymore. Cuz people first say they admire it and then they use it against me to hurt me instead!
I want to have more time to read, to sleep, to be with myself and to explore what interests me, not what others expect me to.
I want to blog more often... not once a week, but once a day.
I want to live, just like I want, just the way I am meant to and not lose myself somewhere in the daily grind.
I want to die the way I am, smiling and with the stone on my grave saying – “A Human SMILES in peace here”

Is it too much to ask for? I don’t want everything, just my peace of mind... and well it will come on its own if I have all this...Just this much!!! ;D

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posted by Heart'n'Soul at 7:09 PM

52 Comments:

Just be the way you are and be happy.

Dance school.. Interesting facts girl.

September 3, 2008 at 7:32 PM  

Hy D!

Dmn cute gal...
wsh u'll gt evrythn u wnt

n evn i wsh2 c tht smle on alwaz.

Atsi

September 3, 2008 at 7:33 PM  

@Priya - yeah i know... just penned down wts in ma head... being myself...lol
and dance school... well really wish i have enough money to strt atlst one venture some day

@Attaboy - awwwwww...tht ws so sweet.. shows u still readin though..LOL :P

September 3, 2008 at 7:34 PM  

Ooh!! You want a lot :)
Well, dream for moon, then only we can reach at least the top of a hill, right?

***Is it too much to ask for?
Nah, it is too much to expect :)

Keep dreaming, who knows? one day, one by one, everything will be OKay :)

September 3, 2008 at 8:28 PM  

wow mate... amazing post...

there are many interesting and similar dreams you got there...

you are right.. peace of mind is more important to us...

Go for it...

Cheers...

September 3, 2008 at 9:35 PM  

hmmm.. well dats a long list...

It'll take some time, but it'll happen for SURE :)

Keep having Fun till 'it' happens to U!!!

September 3, 2008 at 9:47 PM  

That was so touching dear!I know it's not much to ask for.You just want simple joys.But life tests us so much at times,that these little things seem out of reach.

May all your wishes come true sweetie.God Bless!

*HUGS*

September 3, 2008 at 10:54 PM  

@Aneesh - u always make me smile, without fail... with ur leg pulling.

I forgott to mention it, but i miss tht too...so thnks a lot...seriously :P

@Arv- so wt all u shr haan> and wish the same for all ur dreams :)

@Deb - yeah..till it happpens...aur nahin hua to??? lol...just kiddin... thnks buddy

@Sameeeraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - i m missin gtalk...tlkin 2 u n mishra....its nt allowed in office n i am still workin :(

and yeah :little does matter" lol...u know i got a small bubble blowin pack at my home...whnvr i feel low...i try cheer myself up by tht :)

luv u n miss u sam :)

September 3, 2008 at 11:01 PM  

Nce pics Div
i spclly d1s in hat, cff cup, wndw wali...d micky mous 1 is sooooo u.. :P

I alwz knew bout u n dancing, bt nvr realzd u miss it so mch

totly agrr wid u... its smll thngs tht brng happns in lng run... hr r my fav picks frm ur lst
- blowin bubbls
- dancin in d rain
- see d whol wrld

and d winnr is - MORE TIME TO SLEEP :D

Luv
Simi

September 4, 2008 at 12:04 AM  

i loved how u ended it!!
dont all of us want "just this much" ?
:)

September 4, 2008 at 2:03 AM  

Heyyy,

This post is spiced up with so many “woooowww,’ “oh-cool,” “ah-haa” feel.

To make a comment, I’m feeling, "i dont know, I am confused”

Only one thing: I’d quote a song by Martina McBride:

Just being myself
that's all that i can be
Happy being me
don't really wanna be nobody else
I know who i am
and the one thing i do, well..
Is just being myself, yeah yeah

I can be the drama queen, where my emotions on my sleeve
Sometimes, I know, I’m a little hard to handle
Other days I rather stay at home and have the leave me alone
I just need some space, just a little space

Don’t really wanna be nobody else
I know who I am and the one thing I do well,
Is just being myself


By the way:
If HE says “I’m God’s gift.”

Reply him: “Sure you’re God’s creation. But then God always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece. I’m the masterpiece.” :-p

Cheers.

Originality .... is a by-product of sincerity.

September 4, 2008 at 11:16 AM  

Hey girl...those were some very serious thoughts, and very prety ones at that !

And yep, like Sammy said, it isnt to much to ask for. Loved your idea of D's corner with FRIENDS reruns n retro music !! Wow !!!!

But well, I think, in this vast expanse of a complicated cosmos called life, general physics has renedered the renditions of life's happenings toa particular. And I believe we hafta wait until then, and till then keep doing our home work.

I wanna have my own lifestyle store and designer boutique one day. I would love it if it were happening right now, but guess now isnt the time.

So what do we do ? We wait. Cz sometimes thats all that one can do. I dont wanna preach, but its just sumthing I have been telling myself. So thought sharing with you would do no harm, will it ?

A very honest post dear. Loved it.
*hugs*

September 4, 2008 at 11:50 AM  

OMG! well well,i too feel the same..."Genuine, Genuine, and Genuine "...yes they use it to hurt us...:( i hate humans!!! and ya at the moment i hate them even more!! I feel lonely ...i have always been lonely...i want to get out of all this studying business and do things because i love them...i want to learn cause i want to do it...not because it will get me marks...i want to earn money,because money has value,when i earn it...i want someone to love me,for what i am and that i deserve their love...i want to die at the moment...so that i know i lived by my way and not others...

September 4, 2008 at 4:57 PM  

the girl in 2nd row 3rd column is hot

:D

September 4, 2008 at 6:01 PM  

Oh you are a dancer, great..!!
Am an avid fan of dancers. Two of friends who are very talented classical dancers had almost given up their dancing due to the professional life. I succeeded in motivating atleast one of them to rejuvenate her passion. You too, don’t let that go!

~~I want a cafe of my own...D's Corner...just like central perk...where you will get to listen to retro music and get to watch popular and classy series like FRIENDS~~ nice idea..develop it in mind..who knows, someday the entrepreneur inside you will evolve and become dominant.

After reading all your ‘I Wants’ and ‘I Don’t Wants’, I was thinking about mine. Gosh..We all will definitely have lots of such lists.

Wtever, hop u get the peace of mind you want..!!oh, that means everything u mentioned..Gud luck..!! (ur 'just this much' wishes will be granted..!!)

:)

September 5, 2008 at 8:44 AM  

I've jus 1 thing....live the way u wan ur life to be...do only things u enjoi...peace n happiness will follow

P.S: too philosophical??? lolllzzz

September 5, 2008 at 11:57 AM  

Divi di.........feels so nice reading this....I'm so much like u!!!! Literally!! I can relate to almost everythng written ter except the dancing (SInging and dancing arent my cuppa tea!!)

And u look so cuttteeeeeeeeeee......Just liek one of my sissy!! LOL!

BTW, my email id is
ksp4123@gmail.com

September 5, 2008 at 2:49 PM  

@Simi - thnkya girl... i don like too many pics out here but if u say so!!!
and more time to sleep as always hah!!!

@gunj - my god u read all my previous blogs too... m feelin honoured!!!
***just this much - lol

@Roy - now readin ur comments i gotta say - WOHA!!!
and bout the god's gift - loved it, still ROFL!!!

@Cindy - my god, such profound words... thanku for sharing dear, no harm at all - infact sharing is good, now i know wt u wan so sumday if sum1 asks me for a refernce, i will give urs!!! I have another frns who wnts to do it, maybe u can be partners :D

September 5, 2008 at 2:58 PM  

@Vishesh - like they say, sailin in the same ship!! doncha worry man, we both will make it someday and thn look back an say, ah we had the rite dreams :)

@Burf- thnk u :) ... hope its me :P

@Vinu - yeah, i was... tryin to do sumthn bout it again :)
for my cafe, my B Plan is ready... no one to invest...lol
and peace of mind - yeah will come with time :)

@Rajesh - nah not too philosophical... u see the philosophy or cliches are cliches for a reason... cuz they are largely applicable... so are your words :D

September 5, 2008 at 3:00 PM  

@Meghna - i look cute...LOL...thnks

and sent u ur book too :)
glad u liked it

September 5, 2008 at 3:00 PM  

O Chillo Rani!!Chill maar...

thats the best I can come up with...I am not too good at this...:P

Scribblers Inc.

P.S.-I did the quotes tag too and sach tagged me(the circumstances I would rather not say).You gotta read it!!:)

September 5, 2008 at 3:38 PM  

@Scrbbler - lol
your best is really the best yaar... i am all chilled really...lol

shll drop in aftr i hit the post comment button

September 5, 2008 at 3:48 PM  

very well expressed! sme thing tht most of us feel very often, yet are constantly in search of words to express them!

September 5, 2008 at 6:07 PM  

well I wish u get wat u desire ...and plzz when u open that dance academy enroll me I need those dancing lessons badly ...(but hey I am better than PAPPU I bet)

may all ur wishes come true

AMEN :D

September 5, 2008 at 7:23 PM  

and one more thng ...ur pics are cool ...u seem all fun :P

September 5, 2008 at 7:24 PM  

there are times like these where you really wonder where your life is heading to. we all have just joined our new jobs..life's tough but things will get better.
i keep telling myself that!

September 5, 2008 at 8:56 PM  

"just this much"

:)

wish u all the luck n love...

September 5, 2008 at 9:36 PM  

u really want a lot and some of them i find as very genuine oops sory again that word ha ha
but dear u deserve tat word.
the best 1 i liked is tat u wanna adopt a gal child
clap clap for u dear,



BTW hav u read mu other blog called that's awful.

September 5, 2008 at 11:16 PM  

:)

hehe..u got the plan..great..!!
i can bring investors then..!!

:)

September 6, 2008 at 12:29 AM  

dance school?? what did u want to learn that was not available ????

d corner pe blogger ko free khane ko hai kya ????


the tombstone message was really great eh maam...

wish u all the luck... (lol not for the tomstone )

:-)

September 6, 2008 at 1:23 AM  

A great post...it is indeed true that we wish to do so many things wich are impOrtnt to us,they wil give us immense satisfaction wich lacks otherwise in the hectic schedule of our daily chores..

I too hve sch a list just like you..
N i hope we manage to do maximum frm that list..
Gr8 job done..
Cheers...

September 6, 2008 at 2:01 AM  

Awww love ya too sweetie :)

Forgot to say,loved the collage!You look different in all,different moods,different angles,looks from cute to sweet to hot to pretty to kiddo to girl next door :P

Your features are so beautiful dear,shows in the pic second from left in the second row.Hugs!

September 6, 2008 at 4:12 AM  

chooo chweet :)))))

September 6, 2008 at 8:34 AM  

BTW I love the 4th pic of the 1st row,
2nd pic of the 2nd row,
and 1st n 2nd pix of the 3rd row !!!!

You look gorgeous !!

September 6, 2008 at 1:02 PM  

@ CINDI... minne mouse beats then all...heeeeheee

September 6, 2008 at 1:38 PM  

@Vinu - ok man lets do it :)

@Samby - haan ... free food n free coffee for u netime ... KHUSH?
and u like mini mouse kiddo??? LOL

@Charu - thnks girl, yes we shall - hum honge kaamyaad ek din

@Sam - thnku darlin ... for all the compliments... muah

@Trina - thnks. i love the feel of those wrds...CHOOOO CHWEEET...lol

@Cindy - thnkya girl... the rare gorgeous me says thnk ya

September 6, 2008 at 4:15 PM  

@Matangi - thnks for droppin by
welcome :)
n m glad u liked it

September 6, 2008 at 4:22 PM  

Divz..that was...really cute!!

liked it a lot!!

September 6, 2008 at 5:02 PM  

thnk u aaaayushi
but whr u ... missin ya

September 6, 2008 at 5:04 PM  

ye blog pehley padha hua lag raha hai
why is that?

September 6, 2008 at 8:44 PM  

God bless!

September 7, 2008 at 12:33 AM  

Such a super cute mosaic! omg its so beautiful! Shows so many moods of ya..now I wanna do that too lol!

I like #9, #10 and #12 the best! U look soooooo pretty in them, than ur usual prettyness :)


hey everyone is busy in their own ways..some hv jobs that allow em to bloe more ;-) like mine, but others like u travel etc. So its not easy. Blogging always comes AFTER work. So that it becomes supa special.:)

So just be they way u r, cos ur FANTASTIC just the way u r!


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

September 7, 2008 at 4:33 AM  

mujhe thankuu bhi nahi boola?
hmmm?

September 7, 2008 at 6:57 AM  

haha,
I guess, I'm good in leg pulling :)

September 7, 2008 at 11:38 AM  

@Fali - cuz i call u n crib bout the same things over n over again...LOL...u know almost all of these dont ya :P

@Priya --- babes, i am using cell phone to do all this...office mein all blocked...sowwwyyyy...looks like i missed ur earlier comment....shll make it up to u ok? now tell me how?

@Ani - thnks man... whr u been?

@Keshi - u back :)
thnku thnk thnku... will stick to ur words girl
Muah

@Aneesh - u r also good at wt u do
lol

September 8, 2008 at 1:57 AM  

ha ha cum visit my blog
http://icanttakethat.blogspot.com

September 8, 2008 at 6:18 AM  

wot really tuk my attention s dat u wanna adopt a daughter , so do i ...mayb many daughters & sons too.:)
& hey gud pics , u seem 2 hv lost a lotta weight.

September 8, 2008 at 1:57 PM  

I have been busy re.. Won't have any time until this semester ends and that is going to be December. :|

I miss you guys!!

September 8, 2008 at 8:07 PM  

@priya - doin it rite now

@Ani - DECEMBEr...ok no probs, we can celebrate our b'days atlst thn

@Enchanted - how do u know if i have lost ne wt or not??? lol

September 9, 2008 at 12:43 AM  

he he..yeah, gud qst!

September 9, 2008 at 11:30 AM  

At the end of it,you said " I dont want anything"- paradoxical,isn't it ?

September 12, 2008 at 8:08 AM  

i m jst 21..bt i wnt it all too..already! jst d way u phrased it :O

December 8, 2010 at 11:14 PM  

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