Friday, May 1, 2009

Its all too complicated!!!

The first quarter of this year has been a lot of things for me - Joyful, heart breaking, traumatic, gratifying, irksome, testing, adventurous, new learnings, letting go, love, hate, friendship, new people, old people, family, friends, disgusting, breath taking... etc etc etc. Just about anything and everything has changed... some for better and some for worse. So much has been thrown at me and so rapidly and so unexpectedly that most often than not, I found myself lost.... The girl who has always lived in absolute black or white was painted grey all over. Needless to say I hate it... I hate greys and I want my blacks and whites back... even if it means more of blacks.

Just a few days back when I sat down to look at the spectrum of emotions I went through, the things I did and the things I did not do... lot many questions came to my mind… a whole lot of doubts and a plethora of sensations.

I have always been this one person who always gives others a huge benefit of doubt, giving them enough chances before I give up on them, never doubting other people's intention for no good reason and sometimes even after having ample reasons (How stupid you say? I agree!!!)…. giving them the opportunity to be themselves, never judging... just letting them be.

And I guess that why all in all; I have mostly been disappointed in people. In fact - almost always.

It makes me wonder - too many people, too many lives interwoven... I don understand why people would want to make it more complicated with the fast pace and ever changing dynamics of the world, already maddening and annoying us on every step of our life. I don’t know if being simple and being black and white is queer and complicated or is it the rest of the world that is actually queer and complicated... but it just doesn’t seem right from my point of view.

Here’s why I am saying all this… some real people…

- A guy who is getting married to a girl just cuz his mother likes the girl... though he did not like the girl himself and though there is no cultural or social match between the families. Makes me wonder about the girl - I would surely not want to be in her place and get married to someone who doesn’t like me enough. And the worst of it all, the poor thing has no clue about it either.

- A mother-in-law who taunts her daughter-in-law about the medical expenses that are incurred during pregnancy... like its someone else's grandchild!!! WHY?

- A girl who is getting married to a guy just because he is rich. All they do on their dates is shopping - CK, Prada, Gucci, D&G, Sisley, Tommy.... phew. I can’t imagine getting married to a guy who’s never bought me flowers... not even a single one!!!

- A mother who runs away from home with her new lover leaving behind a 1 year old kid. I mean really!!! YOUR OWN CHILD. I am not judging her cuz she fell in love with someone else...NO... but how can you not be bothered about someone you gave birth to... How can you not care about your own child?

- A woman who is having an affair with her OWN sister's husband, putting the future of three young children at stake. The father spends all his free time with his muse while the mother of the children has a real hole in her heart. My heart really goes out to the kids and I fail to understand how a father can be so heartless. Needless to say the wife’s plight is even worse.

- A guy who makes a girl wait for him for eight long years while he is gladly indulging in adultery. And when she gets tired, and wants to get married to someone else – that too because he doesn’t want to get married, he still has the audacity to create issues in her wedding procedures.

- A guy who is madly in love with a girl for over 6 years, waiting to express himself and waiting for the right time... lets go of her cuz she is now more educated and better earning. The ego raises its ugly head.

- A husband who lies about his salary to his own wife. Doesn’t even bear the cost of child birth and rather puts it on the girl's parents. Does the child and the mother have no relation with him? It’s not the neighbor’s wife for god’s sale!!!

- A girl who is about to get married, but can’t still give up on his long list of ex-guys and current interests. She still wants to talk to them and be with them whenever possible.

- A best friend who doesn’t call anymore, cuz he got married. Mr. Dependable lets her go home alone at 2 AM in the night in a city like Delhi.

- A guy who gets drunk and calls a girl to tell her how she is the only one who understands, how no one will ever relate, shares his deepest darkest secret... but in the broad day light and somber times, he doesn’t even consider her a friend. Doesn’t give a damn about how and what she feels. Rude and Selfish are an understatement for his behavior towards her.

- A 55 year old sick man, who indulges in adult chats while his 50 year old wife dutifully goes out to earn money, come back to take care of the house - the children and also take care of her old, unwell husband. So much for gratitude... and so much for all her devotion!

- A close friend who lies for no good reason and when caught, still manages to make up excuses.

- A 45 year old divorcee, wanting to marry a 25 year old spinster, and NO it’s not a love marriage or anything, it’s an arrangement he’s looking forwards too??? Seriously... what does he think he is...? President of US or the King of England?

- A close friend who always wants you to be there, to listen to them, to take care of them... but when it’s their turn... u get just one excuse – “I am like that only”

- A guy who shoots a vulgar video of his own wife. It’s their life and they can do what they like… but that’s not where it ends. The husband shares it with his own real brother and the brother-in-law merrily distributes it further to his friends and colleagues. SICK is not the word!!!

- A guy who just got engaged... telling another girl, who he practically came on to and made out with… that he doesn’t know why but he loves her company, feels comfortable talking to her and so doesn’t want to let go... "Can't we be friends?" He says.


That’s how they make me feel. Scaring me out of my wits….

It’s just so scary to know that we can never know the true face of a person... and even if we do, the person might just change for worse… and then what?

It’s so scary to know that these kind of people exist. And that they are not too far away from me.

It’s scary to know that I may have to face them some day, and that I have faced a few already…. that I am who I am and so I may not always survive this.

Scary... cuz a second chance for these people is as trivial and as irrelevant, as the trust that others invest in them...

Scary… cuz they draw pleasure from being wide of the mark... and not just that, they are even proud of what they do... with no remorse whatsoever.

God Oh God!!! What’s becoming of this world and apparently your most beautiful creation... Or is it just me?

posted by Heart'n'Soul at 3:57 PM 34 comments