Heart'n'Soul
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Over and Out
NOTE: This is a long one, so all I want to say is read on ONLY if you care.
Just about a year back, a really really close friend of mine tried hard to make me understand that my happiness depends totally on my frame of mind. And as much as it may be regulated by external factors, the strength to overcome it lies inside me. The strength that comes from realizing and accepting the fact that as much as we may believe that we have our life under control, we don’t; that we are not responsible for everything that happens in our life - both good and bad; that there are things beyond your capability, control or obligations.
But the stubborn ass that I am, I just refused to agree and continuously kept hurting myself by blaming myself for everything that went wrong, running after the whys and the hows. I kept running after finding proof for something that I already knew by logic but my heart wouldn’t believe. In the end, when I had ample proof to justify my logic, it was already too late to get back everything I had lost in that process.
And so, I learnt that the best we can do under these conditions is to Let Go.
It’s not an easy task. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things to do. But it’s surely the most liberating. It took me the worst 2 years of my life till date to realize it but it’s also been the most enriching experience. It’s made me more humane than ever. Its made me more forgiving and non-judgmental than ever before since I now understand that just like me, everyone else is equally powerless and has no control over the ever changing situations and the people amidst those situations.
Why am I suddenly talking about this? cuz I am standing at yet another personal crossroad in my life where I must let go of someone, someone really close to my heart, someone I love a lot, someone I genuinely care about, someone who means the world to me, someone I'd do anything for. Someone who I have tried letting go of but just like Phoebe said to Monica, that person clawed the way back.
But it’s also someone who doesn’t care, someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t even try to see the other side, someone to whom I mean nothing. Someone who’s never been there for me. Someone who’s all talk and no cock. And hence it’s in my best interest to let go.
And so, I must practice myself - what I have learnt and what I preach.
I don’t think that person will be reading it ever, but all I want to tell that person is that am not even sorry anymore... I can’t go on like this; I don not want to suffer anymore. I don’t blame you cuz you are who you are and there are so many things that are not under your control either. Cuz I know that you are not heartless and its not that you are a bad person, it’s just that it’s not in your heart for me. And unfortunately I am not the “Waiting” and the “Chasing” kind.
I don want to waste my energy on blaming you or myself or the situation, I just want to make the most of myself and my life. And so, I NEED to let go, I MUST let go. I can not have all I want, custom made to my desire, so I'd rather enjoy what I have and who I am.
Its not that I don’t cherish you, I really do. It’s just that I'd rather cherish myself too. Its not that I don’t have it in me to give my all to you. It’s just that I've already given too much and now I'd rather save the rest of it for myself than go bankrupt. Its not about how much I love you, it’s just about how I love myself too.
Cuz letting go is not about denying, but about accepting things as they are. And so I must.
At the same time my heart pulls me in a totally opposite direction. Cuz it’s like throwing away a piece of my heart, and probably the most treasured and the most important one. It asks me to stick on and stay and so I know its not going to be simple. It’s certainly going to be painful and demanding. Cuz it’s not going to be me. Cuz the affection I feel still pulls me to you. Cuz I am just too fond of you to not care anymore. And the way I am - Friendship is something I don’t let go of easily, just like that.
But like I expressed once earlier as well in a post - sometimes in order to be yourself, you have to stop being yourself. So as much as I don’t want to, I must say - OVER AND OUT - and my heart shall say it soon too.
The song that my heart’s humming currently is Almost by Mark Wills and here is how it goes:
Just about a year back, a really really close friend of mine tried hard to make me understand that my happiness depends totally on my frame of mind. And as much as it may be regulated by external factors, the strength to overcome it lies inside me. The strength that comes from realizing and accepting the fact that as much as we may believe that we have our life under control, we don’t; that we are not responsible for everything that happens in our life - both good and bad; that there are things beyond your capability, control or obligations.
But the stubborn ass that I am, I just refused to agree and continuously kept hurting myself by blaming myself for everything that went wrong, running after the whys and the hows. I kept running after finding proof for something that I already knew by logic but my heart wouldn’t believe. In the end, when I had ample proof to justify my logic, it was already too late to get back everything I had lost in that process.
And so, I learnt that the best we can do under these conditions is to Let Go.
It’s not an easy task. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things to do. But it’s surely the most liberating. It took me the worst 2 years of my life till date to realize it but it’s also been the most enriching experience. It’s made me more humane than ever. Its made me more forgiving and non-judgmental than ever before since I now understand that just like me, everyone else is equally powerless and has no control over the ever changing situations and the people amidst those situations.Why am I suddenly talking about this? cuz I am standing at yet another personal crossroad in my life where I must let go of someone, someone really close to my heart, someone I love a lot, someone I genuinely care about, someone who means the world to me, someone I'd do anything for. Someone who I have tried letting go of but just like Phoebe said to Monica, that person clawed the way back.
But it’s also someone who doesn’t care, someone who doesn’t understand and doesn’t even try to see the other side, someone to whom I mean nothing. Someone who’s never been there for me. Someone who’s all talk and no cock. And hence it’s in my best interest to let go.
And so, I must practice myself - what I have learnt and what I preach.
I don’t think that person will be reading it ever, but all I want to tell that person is that am not even sorry anymore... I can’t go on like this; I don not want to suffer anymore. I don’t blame you cuz you are who you are and there are so many things that are not under your control either. Cuz I know that you are not heartless and its not that you are a bad person, it’s just that it’s not in your heart for me. And unfortunately I am not the “Waiting” and the “Chasing” kind.
I don want to waste my energy on blaming you or myself or the situation, I just want to make the most of myself and my life. And so, I NEED to let go, I MUST let go. I can not have all I want, custom made to my desire, so I'd rather enjoy what I have and who I am.
Its not that I don’t cherish you, I really do. It’s just that I'd rather cherish myself too. Its not that I don’t have it in me to give my all to you. It’s just that I've already given too much and now I'd rather save the rest of it for myself than go bankrupt. Its not about how much I love you, it’s just about how I love myself too.
Cuz letting go is not about denying, but about accepting things as they are. And so I must.
At the same time my heart pulls me in a totally opposite direction. Cuz it’s like throwing away a piece of my heart, and probably the most treasured and the most important one. It asks me to stick on and stay and so I know its not going to be simple. It’s certainly going to be painful and demanding. Cuz it’s not going to be me. Cuz the affection I feel still pulls me to you. Cuz I am just too fond of you to not care anymore. And the way I am - Friendship is something I don’t let go of easily, just like that.
But like I expressed once earlier as well in a post - sometimes in order to be yourself, you have to stop being yourself. So as much as I don’t want to, I must say - OVER AND OUT - and my heart shall say it soon too.
The song that my heart’s humming currently is Almost by Mark Wills and here is how it goes:
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I, didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
I can't keep lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for
Gotta find somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no-doubt to be-there kind
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya 'round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count
Labels: desire, friends, friendship, Heart break, introspect, Letting go, Life, Love, Self, song, think
54 Comments:
Ah! my poor baby
but m gld u've rlizd ths, m sur u cn geton wth life as alwaz... aftr all u r ma strng D
YAY i am the 1st one to comment ..
hmm so true watever u said ...I Say u can change evrythng but u can't change ur way of thinking ...or rather someone Else's mentality!!
It surely is the toughest job wid a very tiny possibility of self satisfaction !
ahh someone commented b4 me
grrr :X
@Simi - look u made peter feel bad... so next time onwards wait till he comments ... n thnks for all the faith in me tht u hav..muah
@Peter - ah u just missed haan!! but so true, self setisfaction is a vr vry tiny possibility here but guess wt, the sooner u outta such situation higher the possibility of you being happy n free is... rite?
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
i was here to see mehndi hands, but yeah, i see something way better :)
a happy woman who's amde the right choice, who's finally letting go, n loving n respecting herself just as much as she should...
I give the gist of what Carry Bradshaw of sex n the city had to say :'He's not the one, cos he's meek n mild, all along, i though I was the one wrong for him, but alas, he's the one wrong for me :) i need some wid n untamed like me, n until then ,i shall cherish myself n wait' :)
loved the poemmmmm.. :)
mwuahhhhh :*
Ok.This might not help but I must tell you one thing- you have grown (which is another way of saying that you were kiddish earlier).
All the best for everything that waits for you ahead.
BTW is that delhi inviation still open for me ? :)
My dearesht...I completely agree with you for the policy of "LET GO"..yes,you need to do that..so often..no?
The poem was super good..and lady,if the person frm who you want to detach yourself from..is not really concerned about you..you just don't need to care a damn in dumping him,and moving on!
And you knw..as they say.."Life goes on"..so yeah,it does! :)
Muah!
n take care
@Jane - ah yeah, I am Carry Bradshaw now...LOL
OK just to clarify it isnt exactly someone i am going out with... I M VERY SINGLE foe tht matter..LOL... but sumtimes even ur frnds can put u in a difficult condition n thst wts its all about
@Mishra - thnk u for callin me a kiddie... i don mind... n yes u can come visit delhi netime, invitationis all open
@Aayushi - i know gal, read ur post on singledom so much more motivated, LOL
a heartfelt post....an honest one too!
Good Good !!
By the way, its a New Day tomorrow...see the point?
@Prakhar - thnks for droppin by, glad u liked it
@Mishra - yeah man New Day :P
I just love this post. It also reminds the one I wrote sometime back.
http://prsrblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/nothing-lasts-forever.html
@Priya - thnks girl, glad u like it :) shall read urs soon
I just dun undrstnd y u need to do ths 2 yrslf all d time.
No commnts!!!
babe I luv ur new profile pic! Abso-frikkin-loutely HOT!
Loved this post alot. Cos I can relate to it. So many friends or so-called friends hv done this to me. They dun care abt my FEELINGS, yet they claim they like me etc. And me being the sensitive one, hv always tried to patch up...said Sorry when I shouldnt etc etc. Just cos i cudnt LET GO of ppl that easily. But lately I realised its really no point..its a waste of time to go after ppl who dun CARE a rat's arse abt me. Now I hv quite honestly learnt to LET GO...and I feel FREE.
*HUGZ* n ty for this lovely post!
Keshi.
Straight from the heart da... All I can say is, just walk on... the future always brings the best for us..
talk to you soon da.. take care... cheers...
to let go is easier said than done...esp when it comes to matters of the heart...but am glad you have steeled yourself away !!!
and good that you blogged it too...
am glad i read this today...i need a piece of this advice too.
cheers
First visit here... At the outset, I admire your honesty in saying what you want to. It is a big plus. It shows a lot of confidence in you7r character.
Let go, in the positive sense, a very positive way of solving a problem by exercising a difficult option. But, before that stage reaches there are always times for retrospection. By my experience, one has to learn to accept the other as he or she is. Don' expect him to get into the type you have imagined. In short, two people sharing a life are like two circles you draw with a small section of overlap inbetween. If you expect the circle to come to your side by pulling it, it won't happen.
Life is fantastic: Don't expect miracles from relationships. That make them heavy. Just live life with someone, and it can be fun. See other's point of view. It can be even better fun. Phew! I guess, I have already said a lot. Perhaps may not be for your situation... But still, think about it.
Hi DivKiran..
One of my teachers once told me: “Roy, the most difficult thing in life isn’t when no one understands you. It’s when you don’t understand yourself.”
Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the ocean, and missing? That’s the way our mind operates.
Congrats that YOU’VE UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.
You hv understand: “Giving up doesn't always mean I’m weak; sometimes it means that I’m strong enough to let go.”
Lord I fell for his smile
And he loved me for a while
Then he said good-bye gotta go
Left me standing on the side of the road
Now he's gone and I'm a memory in his past
And the long and short of it some things never last
Oh because summers come, summers go
I'll keep walking down this road
It's alright and it's okay
I'll live to love another day
I'll live to love another day
I'll live to love another day
If I fall down
I'm not ashamed
I always get back up again
I'll live to love another day
I'll live to love another day
I'll live to love another day
~Keith Urban (Edited)
Take care!
Well u are more than just almost there with this poem and post. Good decisions are always hard to make and live with. You just gotto kp goin dear.M sure concern will stay and so will the cherished memories but soon u will also have happiness and calm for what u hv tried doin here....
You know girl, it will not be this once that you have fallen in to a situation of needing to let go, for the sake of your own sanity - afterall you own your life most to yourself. Life throws us at thresholds and all we can do is crawl out.
Like Samantha said, the reltionship you have with yourself is the one you need to work out now.
Goodluck to you. Take care.
Samantha from SnTC btw !
A touching post, friend... Must have taken a lot to write it. I can quite relate to it, I guess... This is wht I mean-
http://kartzonline.blogspot.com/2008/05/magma-forge-ramifications-of-rage.html
And yes, as you stated in the beginning, happiness is a frame of mind... And however much care you take, sometimes things will not go how you wish. Everything does happen for a reason... There is this thing called - Fate, too. I dunno if the clichéd saying should now be stated as- Man proposes, Fate disposes.
http://kartzonline.blogspot.com/2008/09/fate-and-fall.html
Peace. Be well... Have a nice day.
Hello, Very 1st I m very sorry that , I have not given my comment since last 1 month because I were ion some personal probelm...
now ur this poem ... U r gr8 atriculator lady.....
I dont know articulator is existing word or not but just got this in my mind to descibe u as poet... Ur thought is awesome ....
a very touching post...
letting go is something i have opted for too... i do wish you be happy soon... that someone comes your way and make you happy right from the depths of your heart. hard to let go yeah Girl... but there's always someone for you... and the one ur leaving, he wasn't the one!
... "dun worry about the people in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future"...
i'll keep visiting your page...
once again... be happy Girl! you have someone awesome waiting for ya :)
Yah,what you said is absolutely right. Sometimes, we value someone more than ourself where they don't have the same thing to us. And it is better to let somethings go that to holding on to it.
It's better to stop singing when the sound is good.
"N certainly somethings are supposed to be and will be, no matter what, we all are just characters in a story, we have to act our part perfectly, but the story has already been told. we can't change anything.
shaadi.com..
that was so heartwarming!! tc ji...n kudos to u 4 takin d right decision :)
lessons that life teaches us.. good one...
check my page for some light fun
you know i guess everyone of us has this someone who we care about, love a lot and cherish but dont get anything in return being taken for granted.
It is indeed good to fight for those we love but then i believe someone should sometimes fight for you too.. And if they dont, it hurts like hell but thats also a sign that we should let go of them. Not easy of course but we are not left much choice.
We should learn to accept life as it comes and be happy with whatever we get.
what an honest post girl... i don blog but this is one place i wud wanna visit often just to read.
and am glad to find a Mark Willis, n guessin u hv hrd Help Me Fall as well... his lines sum up a lot
I've been holding conversations
When I haven't said a word
I've been speaking with my silence
And praying that you heard
I'm a walking contradiction
I'd hate to be my heart
It keeps trying not to love you
But it don't know where to start
I've been trying not to love you
I've been putting up a fight
I've been barely holding on
Letting go with all my might
you are more important than anyone else..
tc.
:( Hats off to a girl who is evolving in the best spirits! Sometimes you hold on way too much to something just to realize that you should have let go off far before...
And anyways aapa punjabi waise bhi bade jyada hi senti hunde ne...boli to kadak te dil de saukhe!
Why you comin' online so less? :X
Glad you realised it!!
Better late than never!
ummm....divi di...I think i'm too young to say anything....I BELIEVE IN YOU.....but the question is that does my elder sissy...DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF???
Loads of love and strength.....and I'll offer my prayers to Lord for u...and god listns to kids...so u knw who to thank when u r outta trouble :P
it ll be too hard , luks almst impossible , but wit time evrythn ll b fine. huggs!
& hey lovly pic!!
@Attaboy - i know, thnks n stop fitin again...LOL
@Keshi - thnks girl,
and bout feelin free... i am gettin thr :)
hugz 2u2
@Arv - thnks man, been gettin all ur good wishes :)
@Gazal - oh thn all good, maybe we can inspre each othr n DO IT like nike says :)
@Kulpreet - thnks for droppin by... bt just FYO - this is not bout a bf... but thnks newyz
@Roy - wt nice words, thnks as usual, one of my close frnds loves ur comments n ur blog, he dosn blog though... keep goin :)
@Chaggoholic - Almost doesnt count... so m almost thr but not thr still... hah! Such is life... sigh!
@Cindy - you, I know samantha... my gawd - we girld love SnTC don we?
@Kartz - thnks a ton, shll frop in soon to read ur views
@Dj - thnks Dj, glad u liked it... but its actully a song my Mark Wills :)
@warmsunshine - hay thnks a lot, me hopes so too but guess o ne gets tired of waitin too sometimes...rite ?
@Aneesh - OH MY GAWD!!! this is a miracle - u not pullin ma leg for a change...lol
Thks dear, appreciate ur words
@Venky - thnks for ur monkey advice :P
@Trinaa - hope the results r rite as well.. :)
@Chriz - hey thnks for visitin, shall drop in soon
@Lena - hey i missed u gal, so nice to see u here :)
Acceptance, yes thts the word - my best frnd ever used to teach me tht all the time but i guess i never lrnt it till life gave me a rude shock... n i had no othr option... sooner we make peace with life, easier it gets
Muah n hugs 4u
@Pooja m - thnks for likin it girl, and yes i have hrd this song. Infact i was about to put the song up instead of almost but well thn i thought this one suites the post better... but i love this song... Help me fall... I WISH...LOL
Been livin on his songs these days and Colbi Caliiat as well
@Visheh - thks vishes, makes me feel much better comin from all u ppl... thnks again
@Sachi - yes meri punjabi kudiye... sada dil vadda.... thts y all the prob, shudnt accomodate everyone rite?
Muah n thnks
@Aayushi - stuck with work gal, shall come online soon
@Shrav - hey thnks for visitin, yup - jab utho tabhi savera.... funny but true
@Meghz - Well, i do bel in myself, but we r humans rite, we need to bel in other as well, n whn tht belief is mercilessly beatedn out of u... thn wt does one do
N thts y thnks a lot cuz i do need the strength to be myself and carry on.... cuz thts life.... n if i don move with it, it will leave me far behind.
Luv ya gal, muahz n hugz
@Enchanted - yeah, time heals... but how much time...URGH!!! Thks a lot for ur words :)
hey im visiting ur blog for the first time..i truly lovd it..very true we overlook ourself in order to make othrz happy..but are left empty handed..
When u jus sit back..at let things paas, accept them the way they are... and assume that not everything is in your hands....
Things actually bcum lot simpler..And as u said..we stop looking for proofs to support logic.
Thanks fr reminding...dat we need to love ourselves too!
:)
as u said ...the let go attitude is very difficult to practice..but gives us a lot of peace if we do practice it.
I agree to it cumpletely re
:)
sumtymes the situations and sumtymes we ourselves stop us frm letting things go..we care a li'l more that needed
:)
we all need to learn this lesson of letting it go..!!
and more than learning we need to implement it..!! Good that you have done that... then life moves on..!!
PS:was tied up totally so couldnt visit your blog earlier..hope u are doing fine and back to your self 'energetic mouse mode'
:)
Oh u depressed me man...
may b cuz it was something from ur heart... i hope ppl get to understand wt others are feeling for them... i wonder why its always that... we r running for somebody and that somebody is running after somebody else and somebody else to some other one... n so on...
but yes there is ONLY one way out "to let go"...
u did the right thing... if the person is supposed to come back or be with u... he/she WILL come... its all written yar whether good or bad.. we r just puppets...
http://muddleheaded.wordpress.com
n hey i have finally added u in my blogroll...
hope the same from u if u find mine good enough :)
http://muddleheaded.wordpress.com
*smiles* Hello Heart n Soul,
I came across your link through Prakhar. And i was glad you shared your heart in this post. It makes so much sense to myself as i read every expression for your heart.
I juz wanna say thanks and hats off to you for writing so beautifully and honestly with your heart.
Cheerios!:)
Made a mistake there..
I meant *from your heart.
@Swati - tnks for droppin by
so rite... letting go is good for us but thn we sure r left empty handed :(
@Debashish - glad u liked it Debu, guess thts wt frnds r for.... remindin each other bout wt our onw value is
@Priya Joyce - yeah, n i wish tht we cud give tht extra care to ourselves instead... wt say?
@Vinu - ita all ok man... not been able to blog myyself cuz of work.... life does move on, n its said how sumtimes to catch up with it - we must let go of wts holdin us back
@Muddlehead - hey srry i depressed u, but really it is bout a healthier new beginin :)
n thnks for addin me, shall visit u soon :)
@Sweetstickychewy - welcome n glad u liked it :-
)
Could feel the pain this post conveys through its every word.I think I know who this person is and you have so done the right thing sweetie.And please never ever go back on this decision.
Love you.Hugssssssssssssssssss
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