Heart'n'Soul

Monday, January 10, 2011

Stranger in the making - III

Innocence and trust have no value these days - do they?
I am questioning myself and answering at the same time
No - it surely does not!!!

But it is a little extreme when people will do things going all out of their way to make you trust them only with a plan to break it. OUCH! It hurts a lot. Especially when you have to literally pay a bomb for it, like an atom bomb worth of real money. Till today it had never been a concern for me. I have never valued money over people or over general state of being sane. I would rather spend money and not bother about it then being in a mentally disturbed or depressed state - be it myself or someone I know - money was never above people. And hold on - I am not talking about the usual shopping and chocolate indulgence women use for mood lift! I am talking about travelling with friends, catching up with an old friend even if thy are in a different city, Making loooooong calls, joining a class, going for a drive - cuz they need it or cuz i need it- things which are decently expensive to not so expensive but keep my or my friend's general happiness in day to day life intact and hence help us being sane.

This time around though, even that hasn’t help, even though I am totally bankrupt now.... I don’t know what to believe - that money is important, cuz I suddenly have none or that mental sanity is still more important, which doesn’t prevail right now since I don’t seem to comprehend till date what happened and why and of course how even with all my money gone, I am actually more distressed! Yeah I am worried about my bank balance for a change!!!!

And it’s not just that – it’s also about people. What do I do? Do I stop believing and trusting in people? To not believe anyone who I meet and question even people who I think as good friends? Cuz people who did what they did were also supposedly good friends!!! SO if I am duh and naive enough to not being able to judge people well, then how do I know that the people I trust are actually trustworthy? So do I just suddenly start disbelieving and doubting everyone, cuz people change and will obviously never tell you what they really have in mind!!!

At the same time there are people who have been there for me pretty much... Abhi, Sud, Nicks, Mads, Surs, Fali, Arjun.... and they are not acquaintances; they are not someone I happened to know... they are people I can rely on... But weren’t they also acquaintances once... its because I thot of them as potential good friends that I talked to them and then as great people that is why they became close friends. So if I stop believing, I won’t meet more people like these and will completely cut myself from any potential goodness left in the world!

I don’t know, this is all so confusing. I don’t have it in myself to look forward to meeting new people anymore. I am done with that nonsense. I think I am too old to meet new people and get stuck in some more bullshit just cuz even at this age I tend to trust people. I should not. I WILL NOT I RESOLVE!

SO yeah trust is overrated and I seemed to have discoverd it the hard way. There is no value to it. We can trust someone as much as we want and they will still screw it from all sides possible. Sometimes even if they have proven other wise... So just like each day is new, the equation that we have with other people is also renewed. Today they maybe extremely trustworthy and tomorrow the bang opposite. We will never see the other side of a person, the ugly one more often than not, till they chose us the lucky winner. And in my case I seem to be winning that a lot these days.

What to do such is the breed called Homo sapiens! And I am too black and white to deal with it, so as usual I shall deem it all black and I am outta it...

And for that thing called trust, here are my last words to you:-

Dear Trust

Well I shall hope to see you sometime, it was good to know you but extinction is quite a hazard. I know I have used you too much and have completely spent you on silliest of people and I know I run the risk of not trusting someone worthy anymore, but oh what the hell!!! Being proven wrong this time around would actually be a super delight as compared to the other way round as a practice and being let down by everyone. Goodbye trust.

Will try dealing with your half sister called expectations the same way and hopefully say the same to her soon

Till then.. Whatever!
Div

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posted by Heart'n'Soul at 4:07 PM 5 comments

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Uncle Sam - Here I am!

Well Well Well - US - the land of dreams. Here I come... with no specific dream and still dreaming of a something to change in my life... in a good way. I don know if this land of dreams can really fulfill my dreams cuz they r not about wealth, car, lifestyle or freedom. Nah. But then, I still got a month here and people who call this country the land of dreams must have a reason to do so. So till I am supposed to go back home, lets leave that question unanswered!

Anyway, till now all I have done is worry bout how n what I will do here to survive. Why? Cuz it’s totally opposite what we are. The electric switch goes the opposite way and so does the traffic. The language per say is not an issue but usage is. For example, thank you is a very important word... u reserve it for something huge... but you appreciate it if someone does something for you, even if it’s their job. Which is nice! Very nice I say. It’s nice to get acknowledged isn’t it? Also, problem means something huge. Rest are all issues. And I like that approach too. Cuz issues are really not big. And so, if the small problems in our day to day life become just mere issue... well then all good cuz thrs no PROBLEM...rite...LOL

Here, I have a nice room all to myself.... although its not home and it does get lonely but its a great place still...


The sky from this place is amazing and the moon is so close that it looks like I cud just grab it and hold it in my hands and then keep it all to myself...



It is just SIMPLEY SUPERB to look at it every night, so huge n so beautiful. I can see the craters clearly forming the shadows on its bright white surface. Hmmmmmm.... how pretty...sigh!!!

I am working at the client site here and I have a nice small cubicle, all to myself... I would love to call it my office - only its not...LOL...

- Thats my small lil cozy cube




- And this is the cafe view, I prefer working out of here as its so calm and peaceful. Just a gr8 view while sippin a cup of coffee!


The work culture also is pretty nice here... very different from the way we funtion. Everyone says hello to you. People don’t just walk past you like you are invisible or transparent. My existence is being acknowledged. Now it may seem a superficial thing, but really its not. It’s just the way of life here. It’s respecting the other person’s presence in the room, next to you, in the lift or in the cafe area. But I guess if we start doing that in India, we would die of sayin hello - considering the sheer number of people we would see everyday... NO?

But behold... alls not well here as well. Like some parts of India, the public transport sucks here too. And unlike our cheap autos and rickshaws, the cab here costs a bomb. And I mean a BOMB. LOL. So does food. Imagine having an all Indian, no frills meal for $6, which is like 300 dollars... I mean it’s a lil like - woho--hullo--wts on man!... when u have had that in just Rs. 20 which is like a quarter dollar. A bottle of parachute coconut oil... the small little one... costs a 150 bucks here... OMG!!! The other day I tried to take a bus cuz I can’t yet drive here and I wanted to go shop a little, and no not for stuff but for groceries... I waited for 20 minutes and no bus came. So I walked 2 miles and back. Everyone looked at me like I was a crazy lady either lost or just crazy to be walking in the sun like this... hehehehe...

This weekend... I din do much. Or shud I say that there wasn’t much to do. Except for Saturday evening 4 hours at Sea world. But those four hours, I became a lil kid. Running from one spot to other, trying to catch up with so many things to see and admire - killer sharks, dolphins, white whales, underwater aquarium, penguins, polar bear, flamingos, seals, ghost fish(amazin stuff).

And of all, one thing that gave me a major kick was the fact that I SAW A POLAR BEAR. The cutest thing in the world. Huge and so so so so so so so so sweet n pretty. OK now I sound like a girl in pink frock to myself so m not gonna say pretty again. But really, it was damn cute.




If ppl who are reading this get some time. Go look up Shamu the killer whale on google. Its show was unbelievable and maybe thts y they call it believe. Dolphins were also extremely adorable.





And guess wt... For both these shows I was in the soak zone and these huge creatures splashed water all over. Drenched would be an understatement. But when did a kid ever bother... so nor did I... I was so excited, and it was all worth it. And I have the pass to go back anytime I want for the rest of the year. I don know if I will but it’s just enough thrill to know that I can. Yipeeeeeeeee!!!

Enjoy the pics and the videos... not gr8 quality but well, my memories nevertheless!!!

But I miss home. I miss my family, my friends, my car, my room, everything... and I will be back cuz except work, there is nothing to keep me here. And what is that people don’t want to leave this place is another question that I will leave unanswered....

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posted by Heart'n'Soul at 3:50 AM 12 comments

Thursday, October 30, 2008

THAT THING CALLED LOVE


Love is when you are the one and all for each other - a parent when the other half needs the selfless caring, a teacher when the other half needs guidance, a friend when the other half needs assurance, a critique when the other half needs to be corrected - a mirror for all your emotions.
Love is about reaching out and putting a smile on others face.
Love is the unconditional emotional investment that we make in our other halves.
Love is when you smile for no reason.
Love is the fondness, the attachment that you feel - the one that tells you that you will never let go.
Love is the reassurance that someone is always there - JUST FOR YOU.
Love is when you know that there are better people out there but your other half is the best for you.
Love is when you feel like two hands, fitting perfectly in to each other cuz they fill the gaps in each other's fingers perfectly.
Love is what stretches your soul to new horizons.
Love is when you are not just comfortable but in love with yourself - cuz your other half loves you.
Love is when you FEEL beautiful.
Love is when nothing is complete without that one person - that special someone
Love is when every kiss feels like the first kiss.

But all that glitters is not gold... Rite?

Love is like a coin - heads u win, tales you lose - you decide if you wanna toss or just keep it in your pocket and play it safe.
And god forbid if its Tales - well then the whole world seems to fall apart.
Your heart n your head declare the third world war against each other.
You don't just feel like trash but your minds stinks like it too.
You feel lonely even if you are standing in the middle of the Dalal Street
It feels like someone has sucked life out of you and you live like a programmed robotic creature - feels like the purpose of your life is over.
Life becomes a puzzle - where some pieces don't fit and the other's just go missing
When your tears run dry, but the pain does not.
Days are longer and time starts to crawl.
And all you feel is NUMB.

Sometimes, FOREVER also means Goodbye!

SO what do you think love is like.... whats your experience and whats your definition. You think its worth all the pain? You think it over rated? Have you been there done that and would you still wanna jump in to it? Would you like to know how it feels to be loved at the risk of knowing how it feels to be hurt AGAIN?
Lets see what you gotta say!!!

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posted by Heart'n'Soul at 1:40 AM 49 comments

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Matter of Faith

Today, I was driving back from work... late at night and there was hardly any other vehicle on the road. It was scary and yet I did not feel like going home. I just wanted to drive and go along with the road instead. There was nothing on my mind. I felt numb, lifeless and drained of all my emotions and energy. Nothing happened to make me feel this ways. Except for the fact that I had a long hard day, it was good. In fact a little better than the usual days at work. So i don't know why I felt this ways, but I did. I realised I need to visit that one place, the only place that invokes a sense of inner peace in me and so I did. And it worked too, it really did!

Its Bangla Sahib Gurudwara in Delhi. No no no, I am not a religious person at all. My concept of religion is very different and I shall leave that topic for some post some day. But I do owe it to my religious background and my family to have introduced me to this place. The vast expanse of sparkling white marble, the golden dome and detailed carvings, the small silent pond and the calm and quiet fishes in it... Siiiiiiggggghhhhh!!!! All kinds of people come here... all sects, all status, all religions.. just about everyone.

What struck me today especially was a lady rite in front of me who couldn't walk properly. She was very very old and couldn't bend her knees. So to do something as simple as sitting down - she had to first bend from her waist, place her hands on the floor, lie down on her stomach, turn to her side while bending her legs inwards from the waist and then sitting up. She still took the pain to come all the way, without any one's help and all alone at 11:30 PM in the night. There must be something about this place, or the religion, that her faith in it is so strong. I have seen too many people doing 'Seva' (service) there. The richest of women clad in the designer clothes and diamond jewellery swipe the floor while the men who drive Mercedes and BMW's serve by taking the visitor's shoes and keeping them in stands. I have seen people getting their new borns here directly from the hospital, even before he/she is taken home, when doctors strictly advice them to keep the infant away from public places. People standing in hot sun and serving water to other visitors, people cleaning the left overs and the "Langar" plates with their own hands and people drinking water from the pool meant for washing the visitor's feet.

I admit, I have never done anything there, I just visit once in a while. I don't have the reason I guess.
What is it about this place or the religion that they need to do all this? I believe its their faith - blind or otherwise. It made me think how I have faith in nothing anymore. How my belief system is not that strong anymore. And that there is nothing and no one that I truly truly have faith in and believe in. Yes I do have faith in certain people and certain ideals, but I don't have COMPLETE FAITH even in myself anymore. Some faith and belief, here and there...but nothing more nothing less. I don't COMPLETELY believe in Love, Friendship, Life, Family, Religion, Hard Work....nothing at all. Everything seems to have exceptions attached to it! Maybe I am too skeptical, Maybe I have seen only exceptions, Maybe I myself am an exception. But whatever it is, there is really nothing that I have complete faith in - no person, no relation, no concept, no ideal - Nothing.
SO you tell me now....
What is it that you have COMPLETE faith in?
Why do you have so much faith in it?
Are there really no exceptions that have challenged your faith?
And if not have you never thought about these exceptions?
And if yes, how do you stick to your faith without faltering?

Lemme know - Lemme know what you think, and I will try picking up the answers that make me rethink about my belief system and put it up in my next post :)

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posted by Heart'n'Soul at 2:05 AM 46 comments