Thursday, April 24, 2008

I do OR do I?

Marriage, they say, is for keeps - a relationship of a lifetime - this is the philosophy of life. Indeed it is and rather it should be. And to ensure it works, the biggest challenge is to find the perfect partner or else one will end up adjusting and compromising all through the life.

But then what is meant by "perfect partner"... the one we all keep looking for in all our relationships and still never find. I believe that it is because we are looking for the wrong thing... there is nothing like a "perfect" partner. It’s actually about finding the "right" partner. It is important to understand that no partner is or can be ideal. No two individuals can be alike. Therefore differences in thought, attitude, approach, communication - in every sphere, will remain. We need to ACCEPT this reality. And I believe that it comes on its own when you love someone truly. It might sound corny to some, clichéd to some and ridiculously romantic to some, but at the cost of sounding all that, I still believe in it and hence have no apprehensions in saying it. However, at the same time I also believe that love only makes it easier, but love is not the only ingredient. There is much more a relationship needs to survive.

And that’s exactly what scares me every time this topic is raised by family, friends and other self proclaimed "close" relatives who seem to have only one goal in their lives...my wedding. Why don’t they understand that it’s not that I don’t want to get married at all? I know that it’s beautiful if ones lucky enough to find someone who understands them cares for them and loves them. It’s probably the best thing in the world to have a life partner who’s your best friend too. But what if it’s not the case... what if your partners not "Right" for you and you end up being miserable for the rest of your life? How do you choose b/w being lonely or being with someone who makes your life difficult? Which ones worse?

I am not saying that love marriages are perfect. All marriages are a gamble. People change and so does the nature of the relationships they share. I know loads of couples who were great friends but their relationships did not work. Its like Hindi movies, you never know what will work. There is no sure shot formula.

Now this leads to another problem. Since everything is a gamble, and it’s probably the biggest one in life... What does one do? Keep getting in to relationships one after the other and moving on when things don go well. Or stay in a relationship that’s not working just for the sake of being in a relationship...keep dragging it and try to make it work since nothing is perfect. Or just don’t get in to any, stay single and not ready to mingle. Or date your best friend. Or try something online...blah blah blah

Even if you are extremely lucky and find someone who’s a perfect fit for you. It still doesn’t end here. Marriage is very much like a living organism: It is constantly changing. As the years pass, partners are not always going to feel close or affectionate toward one another all the time. That is actually true for almost all out relationships, be it family or friends. There are times when you will be very angry at your spouse, times when you may even question why the two of you married in the first place. But then it’s a process. Getting past those rough spots is the tough part.

Then there is the big issue about "Personal space". I wont write much about it because I really don get the concept. Nor when guys say that they need their space and don’t want to do anything they don’t like, even for their better halves. And neither do I get the concept of girls when they want to do everything for and with their life partner.

Another big word that bothers me is "EXPECTATIONS"... What if your partner doesn’t meet your expectations? Worse still if you are not able to live up to his/her expectations? After all ones happiness comes from how satisfied we are with our life. And it can be totally fucked up as a result of overblown and misguided expectations. Can one be realistic enough to let go of certain expectations? And what if you do let go but your partner doesn’t?

The job will end one day, kids will grow up and leave, parents will part and friends will move on...it’s only the companionship you share with your spouse that will be with you and take you through the "not-so-fair" life. It is about staying in love and staying together for a lifetime despite the fact that both partners are individuals who change over time. The challenge is making it work for a lifetime.

And so with so many questions on my mind, I am afraid. I am afraid of marrying the wrong one, of being the wrong one myself. I am afraid of being with someone I don’t love, of marrying someone who’s not my friend, someone I can’t talk to, someone who doesn’t let me be myself. I am afraid of being the one who screws it all up, of being the one who goes wrong, of being the one who lets the other one down. And I am afraid I won’t find the "Right" partner ever. In case you can find me one that comes with a guarantee and a warrantee, do let me know, for I shall be grateful for the rest of my life :>)
posted by Heart'n'Soul at 9:59 AM


you put into words all that i had on my mind all this while...its nice to know that there are poeple who think like the way i do...
i wud like to add something i have on mind..."willing to compromise" or "having to compromise"..which one is better...???
m sure people wud agree to willing to compromise..

April 30, 2008 at 3:15 AM  

hmmm...willing to compromise is certainly better...but i have something of an issue with the word "Compromise"... thts y i said its important to love your partner. Have u ever seen a mother compromising...No. Cuz she truly loves her child. Its accepting your loved one as they are. SOunds ridiculous? Well Maybe... but thats how i feel bout all this.

April 30, 2008 at 8:00 AM  

i think this is one 'issue' most women will read up on. there are no definite answers, and the problems are as you put them - somewhere more, somewhere less. "paape pyar karke pachtaya...shaadi karke to phas hi gaya" syndrome...:-)

April 30, 2008 at 12:12 PM  

its true that you need to accept the person you love as they are...it sometimes so happens that the person you love may have the not so nice habits along with the nice ones...and its here that you decide to accept them they way they are..and that involves a certain degree of compromise..that why i said "Willing.."..i know compromise is not the apt word to use in this context...my mind gave up on thinking for a suitable word...

May 1, 2008 at 3:15 AM  

this is something that haunts each and every one of us...cant really have a perfect solution fr it..just have to go with the flow

February 18, 2009 at 3:35 PM  

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